Spider-Man, 6/9/11
Every once in a while Spider-Man feels like it needs to let us take a breather from its nonstop lazy superhero action and dabble in a little media criticism. As you can tell from the the arc here — “But your photojournalism could hurt feelings!” “Eh, probably not, and anyway, I gotta buy you stuff.” “Oh, OK!” — it’s generally as half-assed as everything else in this comic.
Crankshaft, 6/9/11
I am seething with anger over this comic’s misrepresentation of modern youth. Oh, kids today are in fact Internet-addicted drunks, I’m not denying that; but it’s also well known that children’s bus chants by their very nature scan quite well. The dialog in that first panel simply cannot be chanted in the implied sing-songy fashion, no matter how hard you try.
This entry was posted on Thursday, June 9, 2011 at 08:22 am and is filed under Crankshaft, Spider-Man. | 322 responses to “” SpeckJune 9th, 2011 at 8:27 am [Reply]
CS: “No More School… No Computers”
Yeah, kids today sure hate those computers, can’t get them anywhere near them. Like cats and water.
Effluvius ErratusJune 9th, 2011 at 8:30 am [Reply]
S-M: MJ could point out that she’s the primary bread-winner in the how and is perfectly capable of buying her own stuff, but if she points that out, mild-mannered Peter Parker transforms into the Insufferable Sulk.
Rocky StoneaxeJune 9th, 2011 at 8:38 am [Reply]
Phantom — Don’t look at his face… because he’s really the world’s ugliest WOMAN:
http://www.animationarchive.org/pics/basil2teaser-big.jpg
S. StoutJune 9th, 2011 at 8:39 am [Reply]
Funky: Fun and vodka shooters? They are mutually exclusive now? Also, I never knew that Crankshaft grew up in Beaver Cleaver’s home town, where alcohol was a foreign term altogether.
Luann: Gunther brought the trophy he received for dress-making to school and proudly displays it at the school’s library? I believe Gunther is now the most pathetic character in all of comics.
Chip WhittleJune 9th, 2011 at 8:39 am [Reply]
6 Chix: Ho ho! Someone’s finally made a jape about not reading the books for the book club! Comics are too a relevant medium!
Apartment 3-G: “And the piano Iris gave me changed my life.” “I guess you’re right, Tommie, but what about me?” “Um…uh…Aunt Iris brought you a Shorti from Wawa!” “Oh! Oh yeah, yay!”
Crankshaft: Ah, yes, prolonged exposure to Crankshaft induces alcoholism even among elementary school kids. That sounds about right.
Dick Tracy: Aaaah, here we go. Doubleup is insisting on the “Scarlet Sting” movie being made just right or he’s going to bring the power of the “Scarlet Sting” fanboy community down on the producers. It’s going to be a searing look at fanboy rage!
Gil Thorp: “Time, ump! Time! I’ve got a Cyberman head stuck on my hand! C’mon, time!”
Hi and Lois: Aw, one of her kids takes giddy childish delight in the everyday, naturally depressing Lois. She’s bound to get airlifted to Westview soon.
nescioJune 9th, 2011 at 8:39 am [Reply]
Someone reprogram the AGLU 3000 to recognize that blackface is offensive.
MT: Someone robbed the drug store. We found moccasin tracks so it may be that mountain man. And we also found evidence that he’s hiding up by the old Max Factor foundation mine.
jayjaybearJune 9th, 2011 at 8:40 am [Reply]
OBH: And so Avis has come to embrace her natural talent for creating and distributing nightmare fuel.
Phantom: Ghost Who Has Completely Inappropriate Half-Naked Interactions With Crushing Teenager In His Immediate Future.
S. StoutJune 9th, 2011 at 8:40 am [Reply]
@S. Stout (#4):
Ooops, instead of Crankshaft I said Funky. They’re pretty much the same depressing comic though, right?
MibbitmakerJune 9th, 2011 at 8:40 am [Reply]
A3G: Everyone just looks to the ground, embarrassed, shuffling one foot each in a circular motion, to very awkward silence.
BBlues: It’s more the name!
FW: Who cares?! Keep laughing at him, boys, he really does deserve it.
Luann: Not for the readers!
NekrotzarJune 9th, 2011 at 8:41 am [Reply]
C’mon, Honey, where Morbius went, he won’t be reading Jameson’s rag! Because nobody reads newspapers anymore! Which is how our authors get away with this crap!
Effluvius ErratusJune 9th, 2011 at 8:42 am [Reply]
MW: Enter the Meddler. At long fuckin’ last.
ChipJune 9th, 2011 at 8:44 am [Reply]
CS: Me thinks those children have been listening outside the teacher’s lounge!
PozzoJune 9th, 2011 at 8:46 am [Reply]
CS: If you just substitute “Nooks” for “books,” you could pretty much leave the original rhyme intact. Except for that pesky “pencils” thing.
DennisJune 9th, 2011 at 8:48 am [Reply]
When you’re drunk, chants don’t have have to make sense.
“BTU! BTU! BTU!”
“Why are we chanting about British Thermal Units?”
“British what?”
“BTU! BTU! BTU!”
June 9th, 2011 at 8:48 am [Reply]
Love Is… had some big news today. Apparently Marco has died (presumably from exhaustion).
Will he now haunt Kimmy’s future couplings, offering sex advice from beyond the grave?
Or will he just hover in the corner, grinning hornily as a blue halo eminates from his freakishly large head? Wow, just thinking about the possibilities literally turned my stomach.
June 9th, 2011 at 8:50 am [Reply]
MW: Enter the meddler. It’s about time.
Mark BJune 9th, 2011 at 8:52 am [Reply]
@Effluvius Erratus (#11): I swear I put in my ‘enter the meddler’ comment without reading yours first. GMTA …
Écureuil ÉcumantJune 9th, 2011 at 8:52 am [Reply]
Prickly City: See that glow in Stantis’ abdomen? That’s where it went, Mr. President, although how it got there is anybody’s guess.
Not Just Any DipstickJune 9th, 2011 at 8:56 am [Reply]
MW: To avoid any errors of repetition: Let the meddling begin (again). (again).
OOoooopps shades of double-up.
Mark BJune 9th, 2011 at 8:56 am [Reply]
JP: I don’t understand. What does happen to Columbo if Emma Noshoes jumps? He has a cleanup job? He has extra paperwork? Whatever it is, it kind of seems to be the wrong time to focus on his own issues.
One-Eyed WolfdogJune 9th, 2011 at 8:57 am [Reply]
No more questions… No more answers
It’s time for a major character to die of multiple cancers
June 9th, 2011 at 8:58 am [Reply]
MT: EWWWWWWW!!
MW: He knows how to talk ‘meaningless soapy glurge’ so Mare can understand
(and I can upchuck).
Phantom: You should be embarrassed, Kit! Kid should report you to the Bandar equivilent of the AMA!
Mark BJune 9th, 2011 at 8:58 am [Reply]
Apartment 3-G: The fairy godmother forgot about Lu Ann, like she always does.
Alice BluegownJune 9th, 2011 at 9:00 am [Reply]
“Morbius wouldn’t want the woman he loved to be remembered as a vampire!”
Yeah, well, Vlad Dracula probably didn’t want to be remembered as ‘That Impaler Dude’, but them’s the breaks…
June 9th, 2011 at 9:01 am [Reply]
with apologies to bats :[.
bebbeh otter haz a cranky. (it’s otter week on Daily Squee. SQWEEE!)
The Daily Puppy is a mastiff mix that looks like it includes some black Lab. (squee!)
corgsqui for Fashion Police.
corgsqui INCOMING!!! (almost hoverpup)
Mark BJune 9th, 2011 at 9:03 am [Reply]
OK, in Dick Tracy, the actress who plays the Scarlet Sting’s sidekick Ponytail is an attractive woman named … Ponytail … Ponytail. I guess that’s just a nickname … nickname. I hope she’s not worried about typecasting, about typecasting.
One-Eyed WolfdogJune 9th, 2011 at 9:03 am [Reply]
DtM: “And if your sore bottom is caused by zucchini, that’s your own business.”
queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii CommandoJune 9th, 2011 at 9:04 am [Reply]
@ArchieNemesis (#15): judging by Little Naked Girls body language, things she wanted to say included “more lube.”
Chip WhittleJune 9th, 2011 at 9:04 am [Reply]
Judge Parker: “You understand what happens to me if that woman jumps? I mean, if she dies, it’s not her they’re going to want to talk to!”
Mark Trail: I admire the complexity of these kids’ idiocy. I bet they sneak up on people standing on tippy-toes with their hands raised above their heads and saying, “Sneak, sneak, sneak, sneak, sneak”, too.
I’m wondering now if the whole town isn’t in on the Dummy Gang’s burglary and just playing along with it because it’s the only interesting thing to have happened in town since the maple syrup flood they hung them Italian anarchists for back in 1922.
The Phantom: You know, is it possible that Walker’s dad died young, so he had to teach himself all the Phantom trade while plunged deep into it, and that’s why he’s kind of half-Batman, half-Peter-Parker?
Pluggers So, as Pluggers age, and I estimate Pluggers age about seven times as fast as everyone else ages, they get into hurt/healer play? Hey, whatever makes you happy, or for Pluggers, whatever soothes the soul-crushing misery for a little while.
Rex Morgan: “That’s a great idea, Dex! It’s the least we can do! I have no idea which idea I’m talking about or what the Morgans have done exactly that deserves their getting a boat, but hey, we have a chance of actually finishing this week sometime this year, and isn’t that worth taking?”
queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii CommandoJune 9th, 2011 at 9:05 am [Reply]
@KarMann (#y266): Austria, you can read manga on my lawn whenever you want. ;-)
Ringo Beaumont IIIJune 9th, 2011 at 9:06 am [Reply]
Crankshaft: You can make it scan if you de-emphasize the word “it’s” in the second line, almost as though the line starts with “time.”
But yeah, the “it’s” is fairly superfluous and could have been eliminated with no real impact on the joke. As could the entire strip.
Dennis JimenezJune 9th, 2011 at 9:07 am [Reply]
S-M – I expect a vampire would really get into Jenna Jameson’s used tampon….
Crankshaft – Live and learn, Die and Burn – No deposit, no return….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
Mark BJune 9th, 2011 at 9:07 am [Reply]
Rex Morgan: In panel 2, we see from the bruises on his face that Dex has been keeping up with Fight Club, but he’s still not talking about it.
McManxJune 9th, 2011 at 9:09 am [Reply]
Phantom – Remote woods, boy, man concealing his face. Oh Christ. I just had a flashback to Mel Gibson’s movie “Man without a Face.”
Spiderman – Peter looks truly creepy in panel 3. Maybe Morbius’s wife bit him and he is becoming a vampire. Then he could transform every night into Spiderbiter.
Nancy – These girls just met and Nancy proclaims that she thought they could never be friends? I knew Nancy was a little bitchy, but a never took her for a xenophobe.
Dick Tracy – Since the relaunching, the new DT team has been burning through storylines at a rapid pace, killing off the characters so casually no one notices. Why, in the last old DT plot it took two weeks of rats eating the criminal before he fell to his death in the house collapse, which itself took several days. In this most recent plot, Hot Rize was smoothered to death in a flour bin in a day, and her killer granted immunity by the end of the week. Now we’ve jumped to yet another new, even more superficial character Double Up, whose gimmick is Dagwood hair and double-speak. This strip is beginning to piss the hell out of me — piss the hell out of me!
Cooler KingJune 9th, 2011 at 9:10 am [Reply]
Crankshaft – I’m not so much bothered by the stupid chant as I am afraid that this is Batiuk’s set-up for a madcap summer storyline of widespread liver cancer and drunk driving accidents. So don’t worry, Ed! The more things change, the more they stay the dreadfully miserable same.
One-Eyed WolfdogJune 9th, 2011 at 9:11 am [Reply]
MW: In a parallel universe, Jeeves extricates Drew from his unwanted affaire d’amour, and in exchange, that tie is burned and buried.
MillyQPublicJune 9th, 2011 at 9:12 am [Reply]
No more books to suffer through
Time for weed and Portal 2
June 9th, 2011 at 9:13 am [Reply]
@ArchieNemesis (#15) on “Love Is”: I’d think that since he’s dead and separated from his luv-kewpie, that blue halo’d be emanating from his freakishly swollen balls.
One-Eyed WolfdogJune 9th, 2011 at 9:15 am [Reply]
On my Chron page, the first words after 9CL are “I have total body nausea again”.
This is not inappropriate.
Scott BotJune 9th, 2011 at 9:16 am [Reply]
DT – From what I understand about Hollywood, being shaken down is considered just another operating expense. What’s the big deal?
FW – Awww…poor little Lessy Wessy got his feelings hurt.
GT – Complete indifference to anything but their own issues? Yep, this is high school, all right.
JP – ‘It means that I’ll get fired for letting some idiot talk to that lady instead of doing my job and getting someone up there that knows what they’re doing!’
MT – ‘C’mon, man, now is not the time to be messing with your makeup.
@teenchy (#Y261): Apparently not in her part of western North Carolina. I know they have a Wal-Mart, and she’s talked about other places, but the only one I remember her mentioning is Harris Teeter (mainly because I always thought that would be a great name for the drunk scion of a disgraced Southern family).
DoodJune 9th, 2011 at 9:20 am [Reply]
Crankshaft: Does Crankshaft’s “Times have changed” observation mean that he’s going to have to shut down his meth lab for lack of product demand?
Mark BJune 9th, 2011 at 9:20 am [Reply]
@McManx (#34): I agree with what you said about Dick Tracy. They’ve introduced so many new characters that there hasn’t been any chance to do anything with them. Romero showed in one or two days’ strips and was never mentioned or seen again. Tony Rockyhorror was mentioned but never actually appeared in the strip. It’s been a cavalcade of new villains which seem like they might have interesting stories but they either disappear or get killed off before you find out much about them. I realize that we aren’t dealing with Dickens here, but it all seems a bit rushed and perfunctory. I love the new artwork, but I think the writing so far has been too rushed.
Sorry, Mike Curtis. I’m hoping this is just teething pains until the new team gets acclimated. I’ll still look at it every day to see the fantastic artwork, but I’m not happy with it, because I feel it could be so much better if they would just flesh out the stories a bit more. Not Dick Locher style, but something in between the blam blam pace they’ve been going through the last couple of months and the glacial style of the previous team.
Bill ThompsonJune 9th, 2011 at 9:20 am [Reply]
Funky Wankerbean: Does Batiuk plan to reboot the strip as Les Moore? I know that would be like rebooting the Bible so Satan becomes the hero, but this flood of Les-pity inspires depraved thoughts.
The Amusing Spiderman: I hope it turns out that the picture of Martine didn’t turn out, because otherwise this droll exchange between the Parkers threatens a return of Morbius. Several years from now he’ll appear in a towering rage. After a week he’ll reveal he’s angry because that picture of Martine hurt his feelings when it spread over that intrawebbing thingy.
That could happen even if the pictures don’t turn out. This strip could win the Dick Locher Trophy for lack of continuity.
Écureuil ÉcumantJune 9th, 2011 at 9:24 am [Reply]
MT: Well, kids, technically you’re not robbing the store but burglarizing it, since the store’s closed and the employees have gone home. But if you’d rather be charged with a glamorous felony, I’m sure the prosecutor can oblige.
Écureuil ÉcumantJune 9th, 2011 at 9:28 am [Reply]
@Mark B (#42): And it’s even a bit stranger to see them bringing back long-vanished (and usually “dead”) gonifs just to give them a few days’ cameo and then consign them back to comics perdition. What’s the point of the revolving door, just to get as many different grotesque visages on the page as quickly as possible? They do spice up the art, I’ll admit.
Scott BotJune 9th, 2011 at 9:29 am [Reply]
MT – Robbing a drugstore? Seventies fashions? I’m wondering, is this Mark Trail or the Lost Forest Players dinner theater version of Drugstore Cowboy?
PozzoJune 9th, 2011 at 9:29 am [Reply]
Maybe “No more Kindles, no more Nooks, no more teachers’ dirty looks”? This is obsessing more than it actually should. (To which Batiuk replies, “Exxxx-cellent!”)
JessyJune 9th, 2011 at 9:31 am [Reply]
MW: This is sad. Poor Mary looks diminished from the long weeks without a meddle. I can almost not wait until she inhales the stalky vapors of Drew’s dilemma and becomes powered with the self-righteous steam of Knowing What’s Best for Everyone.
TaggedJune 9th, 2011 at 9:32 am [Reply]
Dustin: Not content with ‘main character is a lazy slob’ jokes, the creators have moved on to something even more offensive: http://content.comicskingdom.net/Dustin/Dustin.20110609_small.gif
And to think this strip won a ‘Reuben’ award..
[Old Man] MuffarooJune 9th, 2011 at 9:35 am [Reply]
9 – Is he just running the same strip every day now? I can’t tell.
Family – “Well I’m gonna go then! And I don’t need any of this. I don’t need this stuff, and I don’t need you. I don’t need anything. Except this. And that’s the only thing I need is this. I don’t need this or this. Just this ashtray… And this paddle game. – The ashtray and the paddle game and that’s all I need… And this remote control. – The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control, and that’s all I need… ”
Hägar – Please, oh please, tell me Kvack was supposed to be a goose.
[Old Man] MuffarooJune 9th, 2011 at 9:38 am [Reply]
Mary – Whoa! It’s HER! The Sob Sister’s back, and she’s dressed to pry in her full meddle jacket, with a quiver full of iron aphorisms and razor-sharp platitudes!
Momma – “A twit tweeting a twit.”
Sadly, she can’t use the one word that might make this almost funny. I’ll just try and enjoy the sight of her burning the shit out of her fingers.
1 – “…and she was NEVER SEEN AGAIN.”
JessyJune 9th, 2011 at 9:40 am [Reply]
@One-Eyed Wolfdog (#36): Jeeves was a meddler extraordinaire, without being all irritating and preachy about it. They don’t meddle like that any more.
[Old Man] MuffarooJune 9th, 2011 at 9:40 am [Reply]
Phantom – Kid, you’re just in time! Now for a well-placed “Accio Bullet!”, followed by a quick healing “Vulnera Sanentur” and a “Ferula” to bandage it up.
Slylock – The “Z” in the first panel is Helvetica. The “Z” in the second panel is Arial.
Zippy – It’s just as well. You shouldn’t eat something that comes out of a place decorated like a Dr. Bronner soap bottle.
ChocoJune 9th, 2011 at 9:42 am [Reply]
What the hell kind of kids rejoice to have no computers? Times really have changed.
BootsyJune 9th, 2011 at 9:42 am [Reply]
Take out that one teeny tiny comma, and Drew is shouting “I AM MARY! And I don’t know what to do about it!”
Yeah, I like that much better.
Chip WhittleJune 9th, 2011 at 9:43 am [Reply]
@[Old Man] Muffaroo (#53):
Slylock – The “Z” in the first panel is Helvetica. The “Z” in the second panel is Arial.
Plus, Arial is an abomination unto the Lord, while Helvetica is just overused.
Back in the Day: I’m grooving on the silly venetian blinds from nowhere thing, but also on the rock hatching into a little puppy dinosaur too. That and the title are some nice extras to the strip.
Big Nate: Ha, ha, silly Nate, thinking his father would make lunches he liked to eat instead of Healthy Foods, all of which we know are terrible. Although yeah, Nate’s being a ten-year-old (or whatever) about possible lunches.
Birdbrains: Looks like somebody forgot that birds don’t taste capsaicin so will eat peppers without noticing. Mark Trail would never be caught by this.
Compu-Toon: Samuel was the only person who noticed you could use a “5″ for an “S” and fool everybody except people who actually read the sign.
Dark Side Of The Horse is now proud to bring you Every 9 Chickweed Lane Ever in two panels.
Diamond Lil: You know, a little swap with the cast of Mary Worth could solve everybody’s problems.
[Old Man] MuffarooJune 9th, 2011 at 9:43 am [Reply]
@KarMann (#y284): One of the fairly unique things about me is that I’ve had my picture in the Onion, twice.
I can’t make that claim, but Cathy and I once baby-sat the guy who went on to head up the Onion A-V Club for many years when he was maybe five or six. At the time, he liked to play pretend game shows, like “Joker! Joker! Joker!”
@Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#y310): No prob.
@Écureuil Écumant (#y311): For years, I was of the school of thought that says, “Hey, dummy, the exception disproves the rule, because if there’s an exception, it wasn’t a rule!” Then I flirted with the likelihood that “proves” meant “tests” (as you mention). Lately, though, I subscribe to “the existence of the rule is implied from the exception.” This means that if you see a sign that says “NO PARKING 7AM – 5PM WEEKDAYS” then it means you can park there at other times, like evenings and weekends. I understand this is something of a legal principle.
ksJune 9th, 2011 at 9:44 am [Reply]
Apparently Crankshaft lives in a district so downtrodden that the children’s only opportunity to use computers is a few precious minutes on the ancient eMacs in the school basement.
Esther BlodgettJune 9th, 2011 at 9:48 am [Reply]
FW: Oh Lord, I’m so sick of the smirks and limp punchlines…oh, wait, this was actually funny today. Like, really and truly funny. I laughed. Dammit, Batiuk has discovered the principle of random reinforcement to keep us reading! Curse you, WRITER.
[Old Man] MuffarooJune 9th, 2011 at 9:48 am [Reply]
@ArchieNemesis (#15): Apparently Marco has died…
I’ll break it to you: he died in 1976 (after five years of marriage), and she died in 1997 (after 26 years of marriage). It’s all gruesomely heartwarming: an undying love story between consenting necrophiliacs.
@Scott Bot (#40): …the only one I remember her mentioning is Harris Teeter…
The Harris Teeter near our old house in Virginia was the best store in town. A great sushi bar, cookies for the kid, and as often as not, tapenade samples! Best of all, after Hurricane Isabel, they reopened (in a strange generator-powered twilight) and started giving out free ice and spring water. In the eleven days we had no power, we really came to rely on them, and I let them know that we were their customers for as long as we lived there because of it.
June 9th, 2011 at 9:49 am [Reply]
9CL: How many months have been watching Seth look annoyed while Fernanda slinks around the stage? I can’t remember that far back. I keep trying to develop a back story for the dance they’re doing. All I can imagine is that Fernanda’s character’s friends bet her that she wouldn’t be able to seduce the pissy-looking gay guy at the table across the room.
Professor FateJune 9th, 2011 at 9:56 am [Reply]
9CL: again I find myself missing the germans. GET ON WITH IT!
Luan: I’m not sure what medication Luann is on but it kicked in big time in the last pannel today.
FW: “My wife died of cancer you know. ” ” and that makes this all even funnier!”
MW: it would have more impressive if Mary had appeared in a puff of smoke brandishing a pitch fork but well you take what you can get.
Effluvius ErratusJune 9th, 2011 at 9:58 am [Reply]
@Mark B (#17): Did you also envision Bruce Lee in the role of Mary?
Esther BlodgettJune 9th, 2011 at 10:00 am [Reply]
A3G:
Lu Ann: “I guess you’re right, Tommie, but what about me?”
Tommie: “Uh, well, you’re pretty and blonde, Lu Ann.”
Lu Ann: “Really? (claps hands and squeals) Yayz for Aunt Iris!”
MW: Drew is so upset it bleached all the color out of his black jacket.
9CL: The tango has turned into a CPR demonstration. Step 1: Check the victim’s airway for obstructions. Step 2: Listen for the sound of breathing. Step 3: Get the victim in a prone position to administer mouth-to-mouth. Don’t miss tomorrow’s installment: How to Conduct a Pap Smear.
Écureuil ÉcumantJune 9th, 2011 at 10:02 am [Reply]
@[Old Man] Muffaroo (#53): “Zippy – It’s just as well. You shouldn’t eat something that comes out of a place decorated like a Dr. Bronner soap bottle.”
He missed the opportunity to request “Make me one with everything!”
Mark BJune 9th, 2011 at 10:04 am [Reply]
@Effluvius Erratus (#63): No, I envisioned Mary as something more like Johnny Depp as Edward Meddlehands.
Chip WhittleJune 9th, 2011 at 10:04 am [Reply]
Dinette Set: I am not going to try to “find-it: a bra” from the characters in OH GAH I SAW IT.
Frazz: I like it when the teacher, like this week, shows she’s slyly trolling when she says something apparently dumb. I feel kinship.
The Lefty Bosco Picture Show: I know these panels aren’t necessarily supposed to make sense, but, huh?
Luann: See, readers? Don’t you love Gunther now? Just stop complaining and love Gunther! He’s so Gunther! GUNTHER! DON’T MAKE HIM GROW A CANADIAN MUSTACHE! HE WILL IF THAT’S WHAT IT TAKES TO MAKE YOU LOVE HIM! GUNTHER!
PC and Pixel: Well, looks like one of the heavenly host also accidentally said something faintly disparaging about Wawa.
Reply All: “Laura, please. I’m trying to be deep. And for me, yes, that’s pouting over wearing sensible shoes.”
Ripley’s Believe It Or Not: When syndicated comic feature Ripley’s Believe It Or Not is short on copy for the day they just drop in any old blather about the Spruce Goose…Believe it…or not!
Pseudo3DJune 9th, 2011 at 10:05 am [Reply]
Phantom – But why? Is he afraid that people will think he’s a normal human being that doesn’t run around in purple tights and striped underwear?
Dick Tracy – It’s much better if Doubleup uses exclamation points instead of periods or question marks: “…without paying me off. Paying me off!”
Funky Winkerbean – And people return to their normal expressions in the third panel.
MT – Having a small, closed-in-the-evening drugstore is rare but plausible. Downtown, there really is a Brookshire Brothers Pharmacy that’s basically a storefront.
Chip WhittleJune 9th, 2011 at 10:22 am [Reply]
Shoe: Putting aside the lame joke, why does she mention Philip is her third cousin? The joke runs just as well if he’s just her “cousin”, unless she’s trying to establish an alibi of non-consanguinity, covering up that (1) Philip married her and (2) she rapidly killed him. Just observing.
Sylvia: While I don’t want a “bevy of comely damsels” I do like a person who can mention such a longing in casual conversation. It sounds charming even if the fellow might be caddish.
Thatababy: I thought this was how babies worked. Also, Cul de Sac is how I figure kids work. Now is there a strip that notices how teenagers work?
Old School Allie CatJune 9th, 2011 at 10:29 am [Reply]
MW:
Mary Worth is back, and you’re gonna be in trouble/
Hey na, hey na Mary’s back!
You’re upsetting Drew, so skedaddle on the double/
Hey na, hey na Mary’s back!
You’re about as welcome as a plate of salmon squares/
Hey na, hey na Mary’s back!
You’re in love with Drew and you’re the only one who cares/
Hey na, hey na Mary’s back!
Hey! You know she loves to meddle!
Now! This is no time to backpedal!
You’ve been planning parties and buying him cake/
Hey na, hey na Mary’s back!
But Drew is fed up and he wants to take a break/
Hey na! Hey na! Mary’s back!
Hey! Drew Cory thinks you’re psycho!
And! It’s time to take a hike-o!
Hey na! Hey na! Mary’s back!
Uncle LumpyJune 9th, 2011 at 10:35 am [Reply]
That rhyme is typical Crankshaft — not just overwrought, but pointlessly overwrought.
“No more school … no computers:
“Time for fun and vodka shooters!”
Seriously, how hard is that? Step away from the pencil, sir!
Rocky StoneaxeJune 9th, 2011 at 10:35 am [Reply]
@Mark B (#26):
OK, in Dick Tracy, the actress who plays the Scarlet Sting’s sidekick Ponytail is an attractive woman named… Ponytail… Ponytail. I guess that’s just a nickname… nickname. I hope she’s not worried about typecasting, about typecasting.
I remember when Ponytail starred in her own comic… in her own comic:
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_GgX4S7W-eI8/Sqh_ytFYOlI/AAAAAAAABew/-LP8xK0SSfs/s400/Ponytail_Lee-Holley_Comic_Book_cover.jpg
I also wonder if Lee Holley’s art style on Ponytail influenced the creator of Arlo & Janis:
http://www.gocomics.com/arloandjanis
Maggie the CatJune 9th, 2011 at 10:47 am [Reply]
@Mark B (#33): Rex Morgan: In panel 2, we see from the bruises on his face that Dex has been keeping up with Fight Club, but he’s still not talking about it.
So Dex has learned the gentle art of shutting the fuck up when told, eh? It’s about time!
Effluvius ErratusJune 9th, 2011 at 10:50 am [Reply]
@Scott Bot (#46): “Pancakes. Okay? Pancakes. If I ever see a stack of pancakes on a bed in this cabin, man, like you’ll never see me again. I’m gone.”
Écureuil ÉcumantJune 9th, 2011 at 10:55 am [Reply]
@Chip Whittle (#67) on “Lobster Hair”: “Laura, please. I’m trying to be deep. And for me, yes, that’s pouting over wearing sensible shoes.”
Yeah, that’s the phrase, isn’t it? “Sensible” shoes? I’ve been wondering off and on all morning why she says “suitable” shoes. Then I took one last look to verify I hadn’t misread it, and became mesmerized by the chimp feet sticking out of her sleeves. Such cuuuute widdle chimpie feet! I wanna tickle ‘um — with a taser.
TheDivaJune 9th, 2011 at 10:56 am [Reply]
C’shaft: The Kids These Days grow up so fast, unlike the wiser older generations who remain hung up on their nostalgia-filtered childhood years well into the twilight of their lives.
SM: Let me guess: the pictures don’t come out because vampires don’t photograph, Jameson rages, Peter doesn’t get paid once more proving himself incapable of succeeding at anything ever, and hilarity, or something vaguely resembling it, will ensue. Next!
DT: That is the world’s easiest crossword on Ponytail’s magazine right there.
FW: Add “inability to take a ribbing without throwing a hissy-fit like an eight-year-old” to the long line of Les’ unappealing qualities. No wonder Funky and Crazy find the concept of women being attracted to him laughable.
On a related tangent, I’ve started reading Ann Radcliffe’s The Mysteries of Udolpho (mainly because I wanted to see just what the Northanger Abbey ladies were getting so worked up over) and have noticed (or recalled) with some amusement that the villain of the book is named Count Montoni. Does Batiuk know the original proprietor of Funkytown’s only functional business shares his name with a Gothic horror antagonist? Both Montonis are associated with properties where angst, misery, and despair run rampant, so if it is a coincidence it’s an extraordinary one.
Lio: The hospital where I had my last obstetrics appointment has valet parking now, so frankly this wouldn’t surprise me.
Luann: …No, it’s not.
MT: I’ve seen more plausible plots in Scooby-Doo episodes!
MW: Going by the height ratio here, either Mary is roughly the same height as Danny DeVito or Dr. Drew has gigantism.
JesseBakerJune 9th, 2011 at 10:57 am [Reply]
@nescio (#6): Problem is that Mustache Guy’s fall-guy just spent the the day with Mark Trail, who will give him an alibi for the last two robberies.
Also, why the hell isn’t Mustache Guy and his gang wearing gloves? Hello fingerprints! Or is the local sheriff’s department so fucking broke that they can not afford fingerprint equipment! You’d think that Mustache Guy would be wearing gloves when he’s trying to actively frame another guy…
pugfugglyJune 9th, 2011 at 10:58 am [Reply]
“Times have changed. Back in my day, kids wouldn’t wait until the end of school to have their vodka, they’d just pay the janitor a nickel at lunch to have a belt or two. And how come the cafeteria doesn’t sell cigarettes anymore?…./sigh/”
Rana the Pedantic Wet BlanketJune 9th, 2011 at 11:00 am [Reply]
9CL Look on the bright side. If they’re busy making smouldering glances at each other, they are not talking. And if the comic is focused only on the dancers, we don’t have to see Edda and Amos being goopy at each other. With the exception of the cat-focused strips, this is about as good at it gets.
Rocky StoneaxeJune 9th, 2011 at 11:01 am [Reply]
@Rocky Stoneaxe (#3):
Phantom — Or did Kit turn into Marvel’s Dr. Doom?
http://www.hembeck.com/Images/FredSez/FF10DoomUnmasked250.jpg
Little Old MeJune 9th, 2011 at 11:01 am [Reply]
MW: This morning, when I saw Mary make her appearance, I had the mental impression of ‘mudgeons all shouting, “MARY!”, like they did on Cheers when Norm walked in. It made me smile.
Écureuil ÉcumantJune 9th, 2011 at 11:02 am [Reply]
@TheDiva (#76): “Lio: The hospital where I had my last obstetrics appointment has valet parking now, so frankly this wouldn’t surprise me.”
I love the thought of valet OB service. In the OB/Peds hospital where I spent half my career, at least once a month the drill woulda been: “Here, ma’am, let me take that for you…”
Not Just Any DipstickJune 9th, 2011 at 11:06 am [Reply]
@Écureuil Écumant (#44): English grammar, please. The store DOES NOT own the ‘closed’.
pugfugglyJune 9th, 2011 at 11:11 am [Reply]
@Not Just Any Dipstick (#83):
Err, I think in this case “store’s closed” is a contraction of “store is closed” and thus grammatically correct.
June 9th, 2011 at 11:12 am [Reply]
@Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#79): I don’t know; even without saying anything the characters still manage to be annoying and pretentious. It’s like watching a particularly condescending interpretive dance.
Écureuil ÉcumantJune 9th, 2011 at 11:15 am [Reply]
@pugfuggly (#84): Domo arigato gosparkmesomathatshita‘
Esther BlodgettJune 9th, 2011 at 11:16 am [Reply]
@Chip Whittle (#69): re: Shoe. I think Roz wanted to make it clear that a third cousin is not a close enough relative that his death could alter her usual expression of ennui and self-loathing.
Mark BJune 9th, 2011 at 11:17 am [Reply]
@Not Just Any Dipstick (#83): Actually, EE used correct grammar. The phrase “the store’s closed” means “the store is closed.” The apostrophe is there for the contraction. If this was an abstruse form of grammar snarking, I apologize in advance for my pedantry.
nescioJune 9th, 2011 at 11:18 am [Reply]
Today’s Crock is funny because a flood seems so unlikely. Not because they’re in a desert but because the artist can’t draw one.
Écureuil ÉcumantJune 9th, 2011 at 11:18 am [Reply]
@TheDiva (#85): Or a [*]
Steve the PocketJune 9th, 2011 at 11:19 am [Reply]
At first I thought the kids in Crankshaft were singing a revised version of Alice Cooper’s “School’s Out for Summer.” Actually my first thought was that they were singing the real thing, which I admit I don’t know the lyrics to, but then I realized it wouldn’t have had a line about computers.
Anyway, as an attempt to represent modern youth, I think 1960s TV shows’ attempts at depicting hippies and beatniks were actually more realistic. Not only is the aversion to computers laughable, the only kind of “shooters” high school kids would be looking forward to at the end of the school year involve an Xbox or a PlayStation.
Lockhorns: OK, that was… actually pretty funny. Never expected this strip would be the first one to make a good Twitter joke.
Mark BJune 9th, 2011 at 11:19 am [Reply]
What pugfuggly said.
You don’t know how I’ve waited to use that line!
Not Just Any DipstickJune 9th, 2011 at 11:20 am [Reply]
@pugfuggly (#84): Sadly, the fact that an excuse can be found for making a hash of English grammar, does not mean we have to accept it. I feel like puking every time is see or hear ‘e-mail’ with an ’s’ on the end. Mail and e-mail are both singular and plural. My mailsbox is not filled by a mailsman with mails. My inbox is not filled with emails, by the mails daemon.
Rant complete.
bats :[June 9th, 2011 at 11:21 am [Reply]
Yeah, “Li’l Mike” Watson still isn’t doing it for me. Fortunately, you-know-who hasn’t been too busy recently, other than picking up his toys.
Mark BJune 9th, 2011 at 11:23 am [Reply]
So contractions aren’t proper grammar? Thank you, Mattie Ross.
Écureuil ÉcumantJune 9th, 2011 at 11:23 am [Reply]
@Mark B (#88): “The apostrophe is there for the contraction.”
Whereas the obstetrician is often on the golf course, hence the ongoing need for the apostrophe; not to mention the OB valet service heretofore mentioned.
Grandstanding OddballJune 9th, 2011 at 11:25 am [Reply]
CS: Perhaps the kids are singing the song so much as hardcore rapping it? Getting crunk? I am obviously even more out of touch with the youth than Crankshaft, and I like it that way.
Mark BJune 9th, 2011 at 11:26 am [Reply]
@Écureuil Écumant (#96): I kind of thought of expanding the comment to involve childbirth, but I thought that might be stretching things a bit. Thanks for tying things up into a tight little knot.
bats :[June 9th, 2011 at 11:31 am [Reply]
@ArchieNemesis (#15): oh, heck, I think we get a dead husband panel at least once every two months or so (grieving over a photo, going to the cemetery, etc., etc.). Marco dies on a regular basis–kind of like my soul every time I see a Love is… comic.
@Not Just Any Dipstick (#19): Here comes the Meddler
One two three
It’s all part of Liza’s fantaseee….
June 9th, 2011 at 11:32 am [Reply]
@Écureuil Écumant (#Y311) & @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#57): Those are both different than my understanding, which is that the exception ends up confirming the larger hypothesis.
Here’s an example I scrounged up from the good folks at the Economist magazine (who may have been using the concept to be oh-so-drily-witty instead of precise, but I’ve seen similar examples elsewhere). The article addressed whether fishing limits in one area would restore populations of migratory fish. An accidental experiment occurred in World War II, when British fishing boats abandoned the North Sea but kept fishing in the northeast Atlantic:
As they reveal in Naturwissenschaften, Dr Beare and his colleagues found that populations of all age groups of all three species declined steadily between 1928 and 1939. There was a particularly steep fall—over 80%—in the number of two-year-old haddock. During the war, though, most of the populations rebounded, with older fish showing the biggest increase. The number of ten-year-old haddock, for example, went up nearly twelvefold during the six years the conflict lasted, though year-old haddock actually declined by 50%. The team propose the theory that such yearlings are truly, in this case, the exception that proves the rule. Such small fry are prey, and as the number of older, predatory fish increased, yearling haddock suffered disproportionately.
Sorry for the wall of text. Also, when is the swimsuit edition of Naturwissenschaften coming out?
commodorejohnJune 9th, 2011 at 11:34 am [Reply]
@TheDiva (#76): C’shaft: The Kids These Days grow up so fast, unlike the wiser older generations who remain hung up on their nostalgia-filtered childhood years well into the twilight of their lives.
And yet if the young folks do the same, well, they just need to grow up, by God. Stupid man-children!
6Chix – “Also, I’m a time-traveler from 1987.”
A3G – “What about you, Luann? Well, um, look! A shiny thing!” “Ooh!”
A&J – Well now they’ve got me curious. I mean, I can think of a few embarassing places to have a tick, but none that you’d need to be able to see to remove it.
Curtis – One Lockhorns was plenty, thanks.
FC – “Now stand like that. Forever.”
FW – Hahahahaha! Sulk, Les, sulk! Pout like you’ve never pouted in your life! Maybe your thin skin and standoffish attitude can finally alienate the few people who haven’t already been alienated by your planet-sized ego and smug prick-ness!
JP – La la la la life goes on?
Love Is… – wishing you’d told him off before capping him.
Luann – Sorry, Gunther, everybody still hates you! Maybe your next excuse will convince them!
MT – “Nobody will question why the mountain man took the time to apply face powder to his moccasins! Our plan is foolproof!”
MW – What does Liza want that Drew can’t give her? Is he secretly actually a mildly mannish woman?
Phantom – Uh, did we suddenly just stumble into an entirely different genre of story? I though this was Rex Morgan’s territory.
JH PantsJune 9th, 2011 at 11:35 am [Reply]
“I’m a decent guy … at least I think I am.” Oh, Drew. You thought wrong. And that’s why Mary’s here to meddle you back to Vietnam.
greghousesgfJune 9th, 2011 at 11:36 am [Reply]
Sylvia recognizes “comely damsels” as hopelessly outdated but she doesn’t react to “bevy”?! No one really says “bevy”!!!
Crankshafts funky smelling corpseJune 9th, 2011 at 11:37 am [Reply]
Cranky: Why is this man still driving a bus? He’s supposed to be a WWII veteran. And not a young one, since he was playing minor-league baseball before WWII.
pugfugglyJune 9th, 2011 at 11:42 am [Reply]
@Not Just Any Dipstick (#93):
Well, I wouldn’t say that using a contraction for “is” is lingual hashmaking of the same order as your e-mail(s) example, just a more informal style of writing suited for, say, a blog about poking fun at the funnies?
ok evry1, bak 2 teh snarkking!!!1111!!!!! :) :) <3
@Mark B (#92):
I encourage you to say that as often as you like!
Chip WhittleJune 9th, 2011 at 11:43 am [Reply]
@Écureuil Écumant (#75):
Yeah, that’s the phrase, isn’t it? “Sensible” shoes? I’ve been wondering off and on all morning why she says “suitable” shoes. Then I took one last look to verify I hadn’t misread it, and became mesmerized by the chimp feet sticking out of her sleeves. Such cuuuute widdle chimpie feet! I wanna tickle ‘um — with a taser.
…
You’re right. It’s “sensible” shoes in the way actual people speak. I never even saw the text as saying “suitable” shoes until you pointed it out.
June 9th, 2011 at 11:46 am [Reply]
@One-Eyed Wolfdog (#21): Hee hee! Well done. :)
It’s been almost a week since I’ve been able to reliably read the comics/snark, so I’m sloooooowly getting back into the swing…
Doctor HandsomeJune 9th, 2011 at 11:54 am [Reply]
“Vodka shooters? What the hell are those? Jesus, doesn’t anyone use mason jars anymore?”
TheDivaJune 9th, 2011 at 11:59 am [Reply]
@commodorejohn (#101): Good point. Kids in the Funkyverse are pretty much screwed either way–if they mess around and generally act like kids they’re irresponsible brats; if they’re too worldly they’re emblems of the society’s increasing callousness. Clearly their only option is to emerge from the womb forty-five years old, sullen, and pining for a kinder, simpler time.
commodorejohnJune 9th, 2011 at 12:02 pm [Reply]
@TheDiva (#109): Where’s Al Scaduto when you need him? *sigh* RIP, man…
CanuckDownSouthJune 9th, 2011 at 12:03 pm [Reply]
@Walker of Dog (#100): @Écureuil Écumant (#311): @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#57):
It’s a 17th-century British legal term, Exceptio probat regulam in casibus non exceptis, which means Exception confirms the rule in the cases not excepted. snopes, British phrase site.
My dad the lawyer explained the etymology to me way back. To me it sounds like learning the general French rules of plurals and word gender by studying the exception lists (and they *all* have exception lists…); you accept that everything except the defined exceptions goes by the main rule.
BTW, to those guessing that Spidey’s picture won’t have come out – good grief, even Mark Trail uses a digital camera (although he doesn’t know how to download and empty the memory). Has Parker been too lazy to buy a camera for over a decade?
CanuckDownSouthJune 9th, 2011 at 12:04 pm [Reply]
@pugfuggly (#105): @Not Just Any Dipstick (#93): Considering how often we mock MT for being unable to use contractions, I hope this is just obscure snark :-)
Esther BlodgettJune 9th, 2011 at 12:10 pm [Reply]
@Not Just Any Dipstick (#93): I think what has happened to e-mail/e-mails is sort of what happened to datum/data, in reverse. The word “data” is, of course, the plural of “datum,” which means “a piece of information.” So data literally means “pieces of information,” but most people use it as a singular noun that is equivalent to “information.”
In the same way (only backwards), “e-mail” refers to a method of electronic written communication, which is composed of “e-mail messages.” But many people think of e-mail as both the means of communication and the individual messages, hence “I have 50 e-mails in my inbox.”
The misuse of “data” bothers me in the same way the misuse of “e-mails” bothers you. But words have a way of signifying the way the majority decides they should signify. Eventually the singular-data people will beat me down, and given the relative importance of the issue to the world at large, I’ll go down pretty quietly.
[Old Man] MuffarooJune 9th, 2011 at 12:11 pm [Reply]
Crankshaft – He’s been outdone by SCTV, in that beloved Bulgarian children’s classic movie, PEPI LONGSOCKS:
“No more school!
No more books!
No more angry looks from the schoolmaster!”
Mark – Dummy! The cosmetic powder is for determining the outline of an invisible intruder!
@CanuckDownSouth (#111): Thanks! I yam vindicated.
Scott BotJune 9th, 2011 at 12:12 pm [Reply]
@Crankshafts funky smelling corpse (#104): Ya know, I’ve often wondered about that. I think it’s because most legacy comic strip writers started in the seventies, when WWII vets were considered old, but not retirement age. Nowadays, we have Vietnam vets that are at retirement. If Cranky was 20 during the war, that would have him born 1924 or so, which would put him in his upper eighties. And I wouldn’t want someone that old carting my kids around.
It’s like when commercials indicate someone is old by playing swing music…hell, there are people that saw Hendrix in concert that are nearing retirement.
MooncattieJune 9th, 2011 at 12:13 pm [Reply]
MT – “So Dad, any new clues on that Mountain Man who is robbing all the stores?”
“Well, Son, from the evidence left behind at the drug store, he has at least two accomplices. And YOUR fingerprints.”
MW – Lordy, I was really about to write “Enter…the Meddler. And it’s about time!” and I’m glad I read through the comments first! We’re all so well-trained here. I’m delighted to see Mary returned, looking young and fab with her boxy handbag and almost-a-mini-skirt. I’m also delighted to see that the hospital thoughtfully provides an Upset Bench for its staff. Next: Mary confronts Liza/Lisa with the six most frightening words in comicdom: “Let me tell you a story…”
FW – If this strip featured more People Laughing At Les, it wouldn’t be nearly so irritating. It would be a nice touch for him to now discover his two admirers clinking glasses and laughing it up at a nearby patio bar, except that I can’t really imagine this town actually having a patio bar.
MaryAnnTheRestJune 9th, 2011 at 12:22 pm [Reply]
@S. Stout (#4): Ha ha ha, I didn’t even get the implication that Gunther brought the trophy to the library for public display until you pointed it out. That is now the absolute funniest thing about today’s comics.
Effluvius ErratusJune 9th, 2011 at 12:23 pm [Reply]
@Mooncattie (#116):
Next: Mary confronts Liza/Lisa with the six most frightening words in comicdom: “Let me tell you a story…”
I hope it’s a story about how Jack Worth rejected her, so she beat him to death with a platter of salmon squares during a boating trip, buried him in the Hudson river, and forged a marriage certificate and final will and testament and moved to sunny Santa Royale.
MaryAnnTheRestJune 9th, 2011 at 12:29 pm [Reply]
@One-Eyed Wolfdog (#36): And also, the dialogue can be read without choking on glurge. I’d like to add something funnier, but there’s really no way to improve on your comment.
KatyJune 9th, 2011 at 12:36 pm [Reply]
@Chip Whittle (#29): “I bet they sneak up on people standing on tippy-toes with their hands raised above their heads and saying, “Sneak, sneak, sneak, sneak, sneak”, too. ”
I laughed out loud for a very long time, thus alerting everyone around me that I’m not working.
The RidgerJune 9th, 2011 at 12:42 pm [Reply]
MT: Wait. They’re taking the “expensive merchandise that’s popular with the kids” … from the shelves in the drugstore? So when he said “the kids” he meant … 8-yr-olds? And “expensive” meant those big boxes of overpriced candy bars?
MaryAnnTheRestJune 9th, 2011 at 12:43 pm [Reply]
Mark T: Sooo, none of his accomplices are questioning how Main Man Burglar knows all about the uses and location of face powder? Okay then. Let’s just hope tomorrow’s panel starts with, “We’ll use Maybellline’s Beach Kissed. It’s the most natural shade for the rugged woodsman, I’m sure you’ll agree.”
T. ChicanaJune 9th, 2011 at 12:44 pm [Reply]
MW: One, two–Mary’s comin’ for you…
Three, four–don’t bother Drew anymore…
Five, six–Mary don’t put up with tricks (like you, Liza)…
Seven, eight–this is not a date!
Nine, ten–better not text Drew again!
Nightmare on Charterstone!
Walker of DogJune 9th, 2011 at 12:45 pm [Reply]
FC: You’d think Jeffy is being a smartass, but no, he’s just that dumb.
FW: Oh noes, Les is sporting his Vengeful Tilde Eyebrow of Wrath! Let’s repent, y’all!
Jumb: The towel boys stormed out before halftime, and the court will require some major refinishing. The game between the flamingos and the geese was a disaster because of these: |T|H|E| |S|H|I|T| |P|I|L|E|S|.
A3G: Careful, Tommie. Don’t reply, “What about you?”, or Lu Ann will stab you and Margo will kick you into the fire and your ashes will get carted all over the Island. Seriously. I’ve seen it before.
MarcJune 9th, 2011 at 12:47 pm [Reply]
Funky- Well apparently Les is the only one who is allowed to be a dick. Everyone else must care as much about Les as he does about himself or a shitstorm of pouting and feet stamping will follow.
Luann- Uh oh, Gunther is still awkward around human females. Guess that means plastic face Hispanic chick isn’t putting out. Which is pretty much par for the course in Greg Evans world.
Baka GaijinJune 9th, 2011 at 12:51 pm [Reply]
Nancy: What single dad wouldn’t want to get with Aunt Fritzi, what with her big stripper boots, big stripper hair, and big stripper bazumbas.
Mary Worth: Yeah, Mare, when you’re off-panel, please do not weave a jacket from old salmon squares.
Dennis the Menace: Based on Dennis’ pissed off expression, that doctor is going to end up with a handful of tongue depressors in a very personal space.
JesseBakerJune 9th, 2011 at 12:52 pm [Reply]
@commodorejohn (#101): I think Liz got mindfucked by her last boyfriend, who dumped her and then brainwashed her into thinking it was her fault, because she had a career and didn’t spend every waking moment obsessing over her ex when they were dating. So she’s stalking Drew, because in her messed up head, her last boyfriend left her because she wasn’t a smothering stalker with issues involving boundaries.
@JH Pants (#102): Drew’s handling of Liz does show that he’s a decent man deep down; most guys would have gone postal on Liz as far as being sadistic in telling her that he will never love her or cruelly exploited Liz for every penny she had, while mocking her behind her back.
@Effluvius Erratus (#118): I’d rather see her fulfill the prophecy laid out by the Simpsons writers ages ago and convince Liz to take her own life.
forgotJune 9th, 2011 at 12:53 pm [Reply]
what if mary falls madly in love with drew an obsessively begins to sext him hagars wiping himself on helgas curtains i wish there were a 4th panel thats not kvak is it
Baka GaijinJune 9th, 2011 at 12:55 pm [Reply]
Pluggers: According to Wikipedia, “Paris, Texas declared itself to be a ‘geriatric’ retirement community in the last year promoting itself to be a place for the elderly to come to pass away.” Icy-Hot would be an improvement over smelling of decomposition.
On a related note, while I was trying to figure out a deathly smell, I Googled “crypt odor.” OMG! I’m going straight to hell without a handbasket for laughing.
Luann: Oh for goodness sake! Let the guy get to second base already. He’ll make it home on his own.
One Big Happy: Tonight’s nightmare, right on time!
Apartment 3-G: No wonder Tommie has problems keeping a man. She won’t open her mouth. To speak. TO SPEAK! What were you thinking?
spikeJune 9th, 2011 at 12:56 pm [Reply]
@Old School Allie Cat (#70): *Applause!!!* Great beat and ya can dance to it!!!
@Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#79): So true. Bolero is slower than tango.
Walker of DogJune 9th, 2011 at 12:59 pm [Reply]
GT: Do players wear padding on the back of their gloves now? Also in the second panel:
Hand of the Week!
JP: “Ten more minutes”?! Great, that works out to six more weeks of wimper.
Phan: For fun in the sun, the Phantom blouse can be accessorized with a daring bikini top.
Say goodbye to sunscreen and hello to an alarming new subculture!
Crank: Times have changed, Josh. Those young people aren’t singing or chanting; they are busting a rhyme, or “doing the rap”, as it is called. My good friend Jean-Ralphio would be happy to demonstrate, if one of you fine gentleMudges would be so kind as to put forward a beat.
GregJune 9th, 2011 at 1:02 pm [Reply]
I see Peter Parker is adding the Funky-smirk to his repertoire. Makes up for a lack of other abilities, I suppose…
dull_old_manJune 9th, 2011 at 1:04 pm [Reply]
To Josh re: the chant in Crankshaft
Do you think it is possible that the children on the bus have just studied G.M. Hopkins and are now chanting in sprung rhythm? You should get over your bourgeois grade-school notion of what scans well. It’s writing, Mister.
Baka GaijinJune 9th, 2011 at 1:12 pm [Reply]
I beat bats [: to it! They’re all thinking of that dreamy Mary Worth.
trey le parcJune 9th, 2011 at 1:14 pm [Reply]
9CL: Less strip, more comic, please.
S-M: Even trying to look slightly lecherous, Peter Parker appears ready for a quick nap.
Crankshaft: No More Crankshaft/ No more asshole/ That’s just how we’re/ Gonna ro-oll…yeah, it sucks, but Batiuk sucks like a Dyson compared to that.
Marthas Rolling PinJune 9th, 2011 at 1:18 pm [Reply]
@Pseudo3D (#68):
Dick Tracy – It’s much better if Doubleup uses exclamation points instead of periods or question marks: “…without paying me off. Paying me off!”
…or if you hear him channeling Foghorn Leghorn: “…without paying me off. I say, paying me off!”
Tom the Sailor ManJune 9th, 2011 at 1:26 pm [Reply]
@Esther Blodgett (#113):
All these e-mails with data about grammar. Its overwhelming.
Edgy DCJune 9th, 2011 at 1:30 pm [Reply]
“I’ve gotta make money for my gorgeous wi… GOOD GOD, WHAT’S HAPPENING TO YOUR SHOULDER?!”
AustriaJune 9th, 2011 at 1:33 pm [Reply]
@queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#30): oh laudy. I’m trying to get rid of that. x_x I actually boxed up a lot of my old mangas. I don’t have the heart to throw them away, but at the same time I didn’t want them clogging up my bookshelves.
Curtis: Library what now? I think I heard somewhere that glue used to actually taste good way back when (I never ate any myself, just Play-Doh) but…
FW: I couldn’t decide on which bit of snark to post, so I decided to go with all of them.
1) lolololololololololololol
2) U MAD? CRY MOORE.
3) What are you, a 3-year-old with a beard?
MW: Everybiddy, yeah… Rock your biddy right… Mary’s back, all right!
PBS: Ohhhh — this makes more sense. They screwed it up in my deadtree. Filled in all the holes. I could sort of tell it looked different and figured out Guard Duck shot his hat, but…once again, the coloring gnomes screwed things up.
Zits: I think that’s how I used to imagine God looked.
BiggsJune 9th, 2011 at 1:35 pm [Reply]
Hello fellow Curmudgeons,
Do any of you know of an Iphone app that would enable a user to read our favorite daily comics easily?
Fashion PoliceJune 9th, 2011 at 1:38 pm [Reply]
We confess to disappointment that Mrs. Worth appeared today. We had suspected that the romantic misadventures of Dr. Cory the Younger were the opportunity for his father to hone his meddling skills: a sort of senior thesis in meddling, if you will. Not unlike Miss Weston successfully meddling her father’s romantic frolic with young Kurt. We had hopes that each of Mrs. Worth’s stable of apprentices would get their turn at graduating to journeyman status, and that Mrs. Cameron would be next.
It appears that with Mrs. Worth herself stepping in, Dr. Cory’s attempt failed. He will no doubt suffer excruciating chastisement for his miserable effort.
We are not, however, entirely displeased with Mrs. Worth’s ensemble today. It is not unlike what we might wear if we were a “sixtyish” woman of independent means and a talent for sticking our nose in others’ business. Well, we would hardly set foot outdoors in that particular shade of jacket, but fuchsia seems to be the hue du jour around Santa Royale these days, sad as it is.
We are quite curious about Mrs. Worth’s unseen footwear: mid-heel pump, or sensible shoes? The mid-heel pump is a classic, of course. However, a good pair of old-lady lace-up oxfords with a peep toe and a chunky heel would provide a nice retro kick.
Finally, we are both amused and appalled that Dr. Cory’s tie exactly matches Mrs. Worth’s color scheme. One suspects that the iron-willed clothing buyers as Maisie’s only stock one color scheme per season, and that poor Santa Royale shoppers simply grit their teeth and make do.
Fashion PoliceJune 9th, 2011 at 1:40 pm [Reply]
We sincerely doubt Miss St. John can hang on to that railing for another ten minutes while Mr. Driver attempt vainly to contact the Judge.
Scott BotJune 9th, 2011 at 1:51 pm [Reply]
FW – You know, with most people, losing two women like that, and getting burned by your friends might give a person pause. It might make them think about how they act and how they treat others, and maybe even cause them to rethink their behavior and change for the better.
But then I forget this is Les. He’ll probably just whine to Dead Lisa about how put upon he is. And she’ll agree with him.
Écureuil ÉcumantJune 9th, 2011 at 1:55 pm [Reply]
@Mooncattie (#116): Next: Mary confronts Liza/Lisa with the six most frightening words in comicdom: “Let me tell you a story…”
Or the five most frightening, “A wise person once said…”
pepperjackcandyJune 9th, 2011 at 1:59 pm [Reply]
If I rolled my eyes any harder, they’d fall out, because underage drinking was invented in 2000.
My mom (class of 1951) sang this in her own high school days:
Beer, Beer for ____ High
You bring the whiskey, I’ll bring the rye
Send the freshmen out for gin
Don’t let a sober sophomore in
We never stagger, we never fall
We sober up on * alcohol.
*The word in this line on the page I stole this from is “pure,” but I don’t think that’s the word my mom used. “Wood,” maybe? Dunno.
Gyro CaptainJune 9th, 2011 at 2:03 pm [Reply]
I went with a pause between the first two lines in CShaft, just a syllable’s worth, to make it scan. Of course, that also made it fit better with the tune to Another Brick in the Wall Part II.
That being said, “No computers”?!interrobang?!
seismic-2June 9th, 2011 at 2:08 pm [Reply]
@Doctor Handsome (#108):
“Vodka shooters? What the hell are those? Jesus, doesn’t anyone use mason jars anymore?”
Actually, that was exactly my reaction when I read this strip, which probably indicates that I have more in common with Crankshaft (in terms of age) and Snuffy Smith (in terms of upbringing) than I would care to admit. When I was in school, vodka hadn’t even been invented yet, for all practical purposes, and “shooters” were the 95% of the population that always had a 12-gauge and a 20-gauge shotgun easily accessible in the Easy Rider rifle racks in the back of their Pluggermobile pickup trucks. I’m quite sure I never even saw a bottle of vodka in all the time I was growing up, since owning such a Satanic brew from overseas would immediately peg you as a Commie. Instead, school kids knew where to get the domestic stuff – the father of a classmate of mine was the biggest moonshiner in the county.
However, among schoolkids it was usually considered too much a mark of our parents’ generation to go that route, when you could show what a trendy sophisticate you were by swigging a store-bought bottle of actual bourbon, which is of course what our classmate’s Dad’s corn squeezings would eventually have become if they had ever been aged in a barrel and if they hadn’t been fortified with antifreeze drained from a rusty radiator. I recall that the two most readily available brands of bourbon among the kids were Old Grandad and Old Crow. Actually, that sounds like a Crankshaft / Momma mash-up, an image that even a solid jug of white lightening could not adequately bleach from my brain.
The Spectacular Spider-BrickJune 9th, 2011 at 2:17 pm [Reply]
9CL: I’ve decided to stop wondering how she can be shorter than him, yet still have a pelvis at the height of his belly button, and go back to wondering how she can press her shoulder against his neck and still get her head behind his. Keeps me from wondering what Brooke draws in his spare time. Oh, yeah. This.
A3G: “What about me?” “Who are you again?”
DtM: “Your sore rectum, on the other hand…”
EC: They must live in Wisconsin.
thorps. “Time, ump! I got a… you know… boi-oi-oinnng!”
MW: Well, if Drew keeps sliding his face around on his head like that, eventually she’ll get creeped out and leave on her own.
Uncle LumpyJune 9th, 2011 at 2:20 pm [Reply]
@Écureuil Écumant (#144):
the six most frightening words in comicdom: “Let me tell you a story…” Or the five most frightening, “A wise person once said…”
The four most frightening: “I think you should …”
The three: “Why don’t you …”
The two: “Mary Worth.”
And ladies and gentlemen the single most frightening word in comicdom:
“Drewwwwwwwwwwwww … !!!”
The Spectacular Spider-BrickJune 9th, 2011 at 2:23 pm [Reply]
SPAM at @coachusa outlet (#300) yesterthread.
gnome de blogJune 9th, 2011 at 2:25 pm [Reply]
@pepperjackcandy (#145):
It was “wood” when I was in high school in the 1960s.
June 9th, 2011 at 2:38 pm [Reply]
This is true: I just got an e-mail from “Cancer.” I was afraid to open it, lest it be a) tumor porn or b) a mash note from Les Moore.
britbikeJune 9th, 2011 at 2:41 pm [Reply]
@pepperjackcandy (#145):
We sang that at Central High, Bridgeport CT, in the 70’s. We sang “wood alcohol”. There actually wasn’t all that much drinking. Our school was known for drugs – the Catholic high school was known for drinking. Ah, good times.
britbikeJune 9th, 2011 at 2:45 pm [Reply]
Just remembered the rest of it. Our version was slightly different.
Give three cheers for our Central High
You bring the whisky, I’ll bring the rye,
Send those Freshmen out for gin and
don’t let a sober Sophmore in
Juniors never stagger! Seniors never fall!
We’ll sober up on wood alcohol,
while the loyal faculty
lies drunk on the bar room floor!
June 9th, 2011 at 2:49 pm [Reply]
@britbike (#153):
Lincoln, Lincoln, I’ve been thinkin’
What the heck have you been Drinkin’
Is it whiskey?
Is it wine?
Oh, my god it’s turpentine….
A jump-rope rhyme from my yoot….
Phred22June 9th, 2011 at 2:53 pm [Reply]
DT: So the latest villain, Doubleup, has a girlfriend (moll) named Ponytail. Is our artist going beyond bringing back old DT characters and started raiding other strips?
http://www.toonopedia.com/ponytail.html
Or is this what crossover has come to? Nice thought that a wholesome teen of yesteryear might have graduated to a more adult role.
mojoJune 9th, 2011 at 3:00 pm [Reply]
MW: “Fer chrissakes, Drew! You’ve been watching me string your idiotic father along for YEARS, now! Are you telling me you haven’t learned a damned thing from my example? SHEESH!“
Peanut GalleryJune 9th, 2011 at 3:06 pm [Reply]
@Chip Whittle (#69):
Shoe: Putting aside the lame joke, why does she mention Philip is her third cousin?
After I read the strip and thought, “That’s awfully callous of Shoe to joke about what’s-her-name’s dead relative”, I went back and re-read the first panel. I think the “third cousin” bit was supposed to excuse Shoe’s behavior by emphasizing that it’s a very distant relative. Didn’t work.
bats :[June 9th, 2011 at 3:08 pm [Reply]
@Baka Gaijin (#134): GAHHHHHHHHHH!
Baka GaijinJune 9th, 2011 at 3:09 pm [Reply]
@bats :[ (#159): Oh come now. It wasn’t that much of a stretch to come up with that caption, was it?
bats :[June 9th, 2011 at 3:12 pm [Reply]
No, but I think it’s because you went there… :)
Baka GaijinJune 9th, 2011 at 3:19 pm [Reply]
@bats :[ (#161): Did this have anything to do with the Kum & Go yesterthread?
Rocky StoneaxeJune 9th, 2011 at 3:20 pm [Reply]
@Phred22 (#156): I couldn’t get your link to work, but my link — #72 — still works at this writing. We are both talking about Lee Holley’s Ponytail, right?
(BTW, Holley was once Hank Ketcham’s assistant on Dennis the Menace!)
AlisonJune 9th, 2011 at 3:22 pm [Reply]
LuAnn is a really ungrateful snoot. Sure, Gunther’s dress was ugly, but she did win second place in it. You’d think when he sighs about how it didn’t turn out right she would remind him of that, rather than go the “Yeah, your dress sucked, but I wore it anyway cause I’m so great, yay me” route.
Shouldn’t Cranky-shaft be retired by now? He looks/acts about 85 years old. Why does he still drive a bus?
ArchieNemesisJune 9th, 2011 at 3:36 pm [Reply]
@bats :[ (#99): Old Man Muffaroo raised an amazing point. The husband Roberto (not Marco, sorry about that) died young. The artist Kim continued to draw the strip, which now became the fantasy of a love that once was, with an occasional sad yearning for the man she married. She had to put it on paper to get it out of her head. So wasn’t just a cutesy daily strip reminding couples to have nookie, it was the art of a tortured soul. And now it’s the son’s reflection on his widowed mother’s passion for his deceased father. Shame on you queek for making me LOL.
yaoi huntress earthJune 9th, 2011 at 3:36 pm [Reply]
Crackshaft: I know Batiuk likes to put up alarmist stuff about today’s youth, but those songs are no worse the naughty ditties kids during my days (the 80’s and early 90’s) use to sing.
queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii CommandoJune 9th, 2011 at 3:43 pm [Reply]
@Walker of Dog (#100): I remember that article.
srsly. I do.
Esther BlodgettJune 9th, 2011 at 3:47 pm [Reply]
@yaoi huntress earth (#166): On the wrong side of town where I grew up, we would sing this in grade school:
(To the tune of “Frere Jacques”)
Marijuana, marijuana
LSD, LSD
Scientists make it
Teachers take it
…and I can’t remember the last line.
For the record, I really had no idea what these things were, except that they were “cool.” The first-hand research came later.
Effluvius ErratusJune 9th, 2011 at 3:47 pm [Reply]
FW: I try my damndest to not comment on the abyssmal excuse for a “comic” strip (no offense to abysses), but Les stalking off in a “Make fun of me, will you! I’ll show you! I’ll show you all!” huff is really just too much. Les, you’re a best-selling author whose book has been optioned by Hollywood (which means you get a payday whether they make it or not); two women, one of whom is way out of your league, have professed their love for you; and your two best friends are joking around because YOU HAVE SHOWN THEM. YOU’VE SHOWN THEM ALL. You are the walking embodiment of every beat-up, beat-down, pushed-around nerd’s wettest of revenge wet dreams! It’s over. It’s time to lose the chip on your shoulder and win graciously, fer chrissakes!
Rocky StoneaxeJune 9th, 2011 at 3:50 pm [Reply]
John Lennon blows his top at cartoonist Al Capp:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iYxFO8o-t2E
(Montreal, 1969)
queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii CommandoJune 9th, 2011 at 3:51 pm [Reply]
@ArchieNemesis (#165): *bows*
glad to be of service.
queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii CommandoJune 9th, 2011 at 3:54 pm [Reply]
@Walker of Dog (#124): re Jumble. that got me thinking for a brief second. . . .
and since I don’t want to spoiler, I’ll just say this to LUBJEM FEJF: [*]
queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii CommandoJune 9th, 2011 at 3:56 pm [Reply]
ahhh, non-previewed buggeration.
[*]
queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii CommandoJune 9th, 2011 at 3:59 pm [Reply]
@Austria (#139): oh well, there’s always mangafox. [*]
ArchieNemesisJune 9th, 2011 at 3:59 pm [Reply]
@Esther Blodgett (#168): The last line was “Why can’t we?” I remember singing the same thing on a Catholic grade school bus. We had no idea what we were singing about either.
LiamJune 9th, 2011 at 4:00 pm [Reply]
MT-Doesn’t this guy know if you are going to leave foot prints you use foot powder not face powder.
What sort of gang is this? There is only three members and they don’t like the ethnic types that break out into song and dances.
June 9th, 2011 at 4:05 pm [Reply]
@[Old Man] Muffaroo (#60): Sushi and tapenade in Virginia? When did they become legalized?
TheDivaJune 9th, 2011 at 4:11 pm [Reply]
@Esther Blodgett (#168): Sounds rather similar to a little ditty my fellow grade schoolers would sing to “Camp Granada” (or “Dance of the Hours,” if you’re one of those hoity-toity cultural types):
Hello mother, hello father,
I am smoking marijuana
Crack is good,
Cocaine’s better,
I’m so fucked up
I can’t even write this letter
Then there was this one to “Battle Hymn of the Republic,” which nowadays would probably earn you a trip to the principal’s office and a very long talk with a child therapist:
Glory, glory Hallelujah,
Teacher hit me with a ruler
I met her in the attic
With a semi-automatic
She ain’t my teacher no more
A more innocent time, indeed.
gnome de blogJune 9th, 2011 at 4:16 pm [Reply]
@queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#173):
Second the motion. You missed a great chance there, FEJF!
June 9th, 2011 at 4:18 pm [Reply]
@TheDiva (#178): re the latter ditty:
versions that I heard as a kid included “gate/ loaded .38″ and “door/loaded .44″ and ended with “she aint gonna teach no more.”
yeah, that would get the cops called these days, and probably a trip to the Alternative High School.
gnome de blogJune 9th, 2011 at 4:19 pm [Reply]
@TheDiva (#178):
In our version we merely “conked her on the bean/With a rotten tangerine…” Student-teacher relations clearly escalated after I left school.
June 9th, 2011 at 4:20 pm [Reply]
@ArchieNemesis (#175): That’s it! And now it will be in my head all day.
@TheDiva (#178): We sang it thus:
Glory, glory Hallelujah,
Teacher hit me with a ruler
So I hid behind the door
With a loaded .44
Now she ain’t no teacher any more
Yikes, we were rotten kids!
Alan's AddictionJune 9th, 2011 at 4:29 pm [Reply]
I love today’s “Spider-Man.” Specifically, I love the casual sexism. Remember, women, it’s your job in the marriage to be beautiful. Men, it’s your job to provide money for them to buy crap. Also, I love the casual assumption that an idiot man-child like Peter Parker has a job that pays real money, especially since we’ve never actually seen him doing anything that looks like something a photographer would do. I suspect that Aunt May and Mary Jane have some bizarre and illicit arrangement with J. Jonah Jameson to send Peter around town taking photographs and paying him with Monopoly money to maintain this delicate illusion that’s so important for Peter’s self-esteem.
Huh. Continuing with Old Man Batuik’s self-pity and obsession with age, we get a dose of “Kids these days!” before the strip rapidly segues into an angry “Hey! You kids! Get off my lawn!” However, a few things. First, if I were trapped in the hellscape of the Funkiverse, I’d drink heavily, too, regardless of my age. Secondly, I think that Crankshaft’s puzzlement is about how those kids brought alcohol on board the bus, when he’s told them that’s only permissible if they share it with him; or he’s puzzled because if there’s heavy drinking to be done, he’ll do it, dammit.
June 9th, 2011 at 4:41 pm [Reply]
concering Kids songs I remember one that used the theme from the 8th Man cartoon from the early 60’s
“There a prehistoric monster
that came from outer space
Her/his name is (fill in name)
and she/he has an ugly face
the FBI is helpless
it’s twenty stories tall
what can we do who can we call?
Call Rotor-rooter that’s the name
and away go troubles down the drain”
it’s interesting how these things just on on and on and on. I remember hearing my Niece in grade school reciting “Miss Mary Mack” and what got me was that it was exactly the same word for word when I heard it when I was 9 years old (a gap of some 30 years or so). I’m sure someone has done studies on this.
KatyJune 9th, 2011 at 4:45 pm [Reply]
@Esther Blodgett (#168): Last line:
So do we. So do we.
At least, that was the last line on my playground, around the time someone ran up to me and said “Didja know Paul in the Beatles died?”
KatyJune 9th, 2011 at 4:48 pm [Reply]
@Professor Fate (#184): You mean Miss Mary Mack, Mack, Mack, all dressed in black, black, black? With silver buttons, buttons, buttons, all down her back, back, back? Who paid the circus, circus, circus, fifty cents, cents, cents, to see the elephant, elephant, elephant, jump over the fence, fence, fence?
PS He jumped so high, high, high, he reached the sky, sky, sky, and didn’t come down, down, down, till the fourth of July, -ly, -ly. At least that’s the way I heard it.
KatyJune 9th, 2011 at 4:49 pm [Reply]
@Esther Blodgett (#182):
Glory, glory, hallelujah,
Teacher hit me with a ruler,
I hit her in the butt
with a rotten coconut
and she ain’t my teacher no more.
June 9th, 2011 at 4:56 pm [Reply]
@Effluvius Erratus (#169): then again, I’m a firm believer that if a scapegoat wants to be raked over the coals (or whatever you do to a scapegoat), he/she/Les really ought to be obliged. :D
SF_ReaderJune 9th, 2011 at 4:57 pm [Reply]
@Katy (#187): …the ruler turned red
And the teacher dropped dead!
And that was the end of school!
Miss Lucy had a steamboat…
…ask me no more questions,
I’ll tell you no more lies,
A man was hit with a bag of shit,
right between the eyes!
June 9th, 2011 at 5:00 pm [Reply]
@Katy (#186): Are you sure that wasn’t Doubleup from Dick Tracy?
VioletJune 9th, 2011 at 5:01 pm [Reply]
You can hardly blame Crankshaft for being a little exasperated with today’s coddled youth. Vodka shooters, indeed. In his day they got bathtub gin and liked it, and quite a number of his schoolmates didn’t even go blind.
This GuyJune 9th, 2011 at 5:02 pm [Reply]
@Professor Fate (#184): Reminds me a bit of this one:
Miss Susie had a steamboat
The steamboat had a bell
Miss Susie went to heaven
The steamboat went to
Hello operator
Please give me number nine
And if you disconnect me
I’ll kick your fat
Behind the ‘frigerator
There was a piece of glass
Miss Susie sat upon it
And broke her little
Ask me no more questions
I’ll tell you no more lies
But if you tell my mother
I’ll give you two black eyes
Most other versions of this song are apparently a good deal longer, because kids love songs that go on and on, my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was…
This GuyJune 9th, 2011 at 5:06 pm [Reply]
Oh, and there’s a book titled Greasy Grimy Gopher Guts that’s about exactly all these songs and their myriad variations. Great reading.
Scott BotJune 9th, 2011 at 5:09 pm [Reply]
@This Guy (#192): And that reminds me of this:
A baby fell out of a window
You think that his head would be spilt
But good luck was with him that morning
He fell in a barrel of
Shaving cream
Be nice and clean
Shave every day and you’ll always look keen.
June 9th, 2011 at 5:14 pm [Reply]
@bats :[ (#188): I think you drive a scapegoat over a bridge into the woods, and it takes the bad luck of the community with it. I think it’s an actual goat, too.
Wouldn’t it be awesome if we could drive Les over a bridge into the woods? And then like dynamite the bridge or something? Maybe even before Les actually steps off it? That would be so great.
SequiturJune 9th, 2011 at 5:21 pm [Reply]
@Scott Bot (#194): Someone has been listening to Dr. Demento.
Fish heads, fish heads, roly poly fish heads...
Walker of DogJune 9th, 2011 at 5:22 pm [Reply]
@queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#167): I think we all remember where we were when we first read about the effect of regional catch restrictions on migratory fish populations. A generational milestone.
@Liam (#176):
When you’re a Dork
You’re a Dork all the way
From your first stolen fork
Til you use Mary Kay.
June 9th, 2011 at 5:23 pm [Reply]
@This Guy (#192): Ah, Miss Susie–one of my favorites going up. The trick was to shout the near-curses as loud as possible.
The version we did ended like so:
Ask me no more questions,
I’ll tell you no more lies,
The boys are in the bathroom
Zipping up their
Flies are in the meadow
The bees are in the hive
Miss Susie and her boyfriend
Are kissing in the D-A-R-K,
D-A-R-K, D-A-R-K,
Dark dark dark!
June 9th, 2011 at 5:25 pm [Reply]
@Scott Bot (#194):
I think I’ll break off with my girlfriend
Her antics are queer, I’ll admit
Each time I say “Darling, I love you”
She tells me that I’m full of
Shaving cream
Be nice and clean
Shave every day and you’ll always look keen.
June 9th, 2011 at 5:25 pm [Reply]
@Katy (#195): “The Scapegoat” is a painting by W.H. Hunt, showing the classic scapegoat of the Jews, which was burdened with a village’s sins and woes and sent into the desert wilderness to die (forests not being in great abundance in the Middle East).
Still, tying some red yarn to Les’ head and casting him out into the forest (not Lost Forest, where Cherry and Rusty would probably try to rescue him) / desert / Mars sounds like a good idea to me!
June 9th, 2011 at 5:26 pm [Reply]
@Old School Allie Cat (#70):
Bravo!
AustriaJune 9th, 2011 at 5:30 pm [Reply]
We had…let me see if I can remember this…
I love you, you love me
Let’s gang up and kill Barney
With a 42 magnum shoot ‘im in the head
Aren’t you glad that Barney’s dead?
I learned that one from some random “big kid” at the amusement park one year. I don’t remember ever having any chants about drugs. I’m sure we did, but I’m willing to bet people got in heaps of trouble for them. I mean…they banned Pokemon.
Oh, and my dad’s high school sang this against their rivals, something like…
Ay-ay-ay
Rapasonia High
Ring bologna, sauerkraut
Ay-ay-ay
That’s Pennsylvania for you.
SequiturJune 9th, 2011 at 5:31 pm [Reply]
@bats :[ (#200): I’m late to the party today. Does all this scapegoat talk have anything to do with the fact that “The Scapegoat” is Westview’s mascot? Is Les the new mascot?
Rocky StoneaxeJune 9th, 2011 at 5:35 pm [Reply]
@ArchieNemesis (#15):
Love Is… had some big news today. Apparently Marco has died
What was the cause of death?
http://i320.photobucket.com/albums/nn328/SF-superdude/marco-polo-firearms.jpg
Alfred E. NeumanJune 9th, 2011 at 5:39 pm [Reply]
Crankshaft— Reminds me of my childhood trip to the mountains for Sixth Grade Camp. It was the only time I ever rode in a school bus. Naturally, we sang 99 Bottles of Vodka Shooters the entire way. By the time we got there, we had learned how to create a Crankshaftian bus driver.
Joe, the Upper-Evergreen GuyJune 9th, 2011 at 5:45 pm [Reply]
Crank: In my day:
On top of old smokey,
All covered with blood
I shot my poor teacher,
With a forty-four slug.
I went to her funeral,
I went to her grave
Everybody threw flowers,
But I threw grenades!
June 9th, 2011 at 5:47 pm [Reply]
@bats :[ (#200): Oh, God, now I feel really sorry for the scapegoat. Poor thing, poor thing.
W.H. Hunt is seriously the art verson of Whoopie Pies. It’s addictive.
Rocky StoneaxeJune 9th, 2011 at 5:48 pm [Reply]
@Sequitur (#196):
Fish heads, fish heads, roly poly fish heads…
And here’s the video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cTpUVAcvWfU
(One of the “Barnes” is Bill Mumy of “Twilight Zone” and “Lost in Space” fame!)
gnome de blogJune 9th, 2011 at 5:52 pm [Reply]
@bats :[ (#200):
If you tied red yarn to Les’s head and cast him out into Lost Forest he’d fall into John Thrasher’s pit trap and die before Cherry and Rusty could get hold of him.
Besides, can you imagine being “rescued” by Rusty and Cherry?
Mad Pedant, TheJune 9th, 2011 at 6:09 pm [Reply]
@Professor Fate (#184):
Iona and Peter Opie have for decades studied the origins, transmission, and change over time of nursery rhymes, playground chants, etc. Their Oxford Dictionary of Nursery Rhymes contains hundreds of rhymes, with variant versions, histories of when they first appeared in print, and information either confirming or debunking possible political and social metaphors in some of them. They gathered information both from research in print sources and by eavesdropping on modern-day kids.
They’ve also published a non-scholarly book, aimed at children, I Saw Esau, illustrated by Maurice Sendak, from which kids can learn chants and riddles and insults galore. But as their research has shown, much of the transmission of this stuff seems to go from kid to slightly younger kid, not involving books or adults at all.
gnome de blogJune 9th, 2011 at 6:15 pm [Reply]
@Mad Pedant, The (#210):
But as their research has shown, much of the transmission of this stuff seems to go from kid to slightly younger kid, not involving books or adults at all.
Which may be all that’s left of the oral tradition in literature, if that isn’t a contradiction in terms. Interesting.
commodorejohnJune 9th, 2011 at 6:22 pm [Reply]
@gnome de blog (#211): That’s just what I was thinking – it’s interesting that the oldest form of storytelling is now largely the province of children :)
Mad Pedant, TheJune 9th, 2011 at 6:24 pm [Reply]
@gnome de blog (#211):
One of the interesting things they discovered was a playground chant in England that contained a line something like “If the Bone Man comes….” It turned out that it dated from just after 1800 and referred to a possible invasion of England by Napoleon Bonaparte. It was still being repeated in the mid-20th century, by kids who apparently had no idea who “Bone Man” was supposed to refer to. (I suppose that part survived because it’s easy enough to imagine that it refers to a skeleton-monster instead.)
queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii CommandoJune 9th, 2011 at 6:30 pm [Reply]
Just a spoonful of sugar
helps the meddling go down
the meddling go down.
In the most delightful way.
(you’re welcome.)
gnome de blogJune 9th, 2011 at 6:51 pm [Reply]
@Mad Pedant, The (#213):
I’ve read that “ring around the rosey” refers to the Black Death, although I don’t know if scholars accept this or not. It would have had to survive the Great Vowel Shift.
June 9th, 2011 at 7:09 pm [Reply]
Mary Wrath> “I’m a decent guy who only double dips in the dating pool when it’s convenient to the storyline, Mary!”
Pseudo3DJune 9th, 2011 at 7:11 pm [Reply]
@Esther Blodgett (#182): One I remember was to the tune of “Ode to Joy”
Joy to the world / the teacher’s dead / we barbecued her head!
Don’t worry about the body / we flushed it down the potty…
(I don’t know the rest, but I think those are the only interesting parts)
Mad Pedant, TheJune 9th, 2011 at 7:11 pm [Reply]
@gnome de blog (#215):
That’s one the Opies debunk. The oldest known version in any language is 1790. The earliest versions didn’t even contain any of the alleged plague references “ashes, ashes,” “a-choo, a-choo,” or “all fall down.” The action at the end was
“stooping,” “squatting,” or “curtseying,” something less than falling down; in one all-girls’ version, the last person to stoop when the song stopped (sort of like musical chairs) had to “tell whom she loves best.” (Nowadays, of course, you can get that kind of information from TMZ.)
The Opies don’t mention the Vowel Shift angle, though — nice bit o’ pedantry there, gnome! I also admire the pedantic kids of 1790 who knew when to say “whom.”
LiamJune 9th, 2011 at 7:26 pm [Reply]
MW-Here is hoping that Mary will make Liza’s eventually death look like a suicide. People are still questioning why Aldo’s brake lines were cut.
KarMannJune 9th, 2011 at 7:30 pm [Reply]
@Rocky Stoneaxe (#208): One of the “Barnes” is Bill Mumy of “Twilight Zone” and “Lost in Space” fame!
. . .and Babylon 5 in latter years, of course. I was rather surprised when I learned that, well after the series was over, having grown up with Dr. Demento & that song.
Joe BlevinsJune 9th, 2011 at 7:32 pm [Reply]
They said it couldn’t be done! Zomby dares to do a joke about (hang on to your social consciences)… The Kardashians. Went there? Yes, I did.
Jamus The BartenderJune 9th, 2011 at 7:35 pm [Reply]
Family Circus: “Okay, I picked up my toys…now what?” You know, I ask myself that question every day. Sure, I pick up my stuff, do my dishes, but it doesn’t really…. mean anything. Oh, sure, it keeps the landlord off my back, as i’m sure it does your’s, by here I mean the woman you call “mommy”. But really, what else is there? My place is picked up…more or less, and I still can’t find my damn remote. Does having your stuff “picked up” really lead to happiness? It’s one of the things that lead to peace of mind, I know. I mean, Mister Miyagi did that “wax on, wax off” thing for a reason, and it wasn’t just to get free labor out of Daniel-san. I suppose discipline is one of the thousands of puzzle pieces to true happiness, but then i’m reminded of Ron Reagan’s story about the kid in the room with the horseshit and the shovel.
Now what, indeed, Jeffery. Now what, indeed.
June 9th, 2011 at 7:42 pm [Reply]
@Rocky Stoneaxe (#208): I’ve listened to the song many times but had never seen the video. Truly bizarre.
WARNING, WILL ROBINSON!
Sgt. StonedJune 9th, 2011 at 7:54 pm [Reply]
MT: Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think that “moccasin prints” made with face powder would be enough to convict anybody in any court of law. Furthermore, wouldn’t it help if they at least knew the size of Thrasher’s foot? What if the prints are too small or too big? The fact that these criminals have been able to get away with all of this stealing for so long shows that the Sheriff is at least as stupid as his son, if not more so. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, I guess.
sVybDyJune 9th, 2011 at 8:01 pm [Reply]
CS: What lazy rhyming. Obviously the intent was to rhyme something with “shooters.” So why “computers” and not “tutors?”
SequiturJune 9th, 2011 at 8:07 pm [Reply]
@sVybDy (#225): Batiuk has to impress us how cool he is by referring to one of those new fangled computer things that all the kids seem to be using today. Besides, it’s called “writing.”
Bill ThompsonJune 9th, 2011 at 8:09 pm [Reply]
9 Dickweed Lane: This is how you use dance in a story:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKQ06jtaYvk
Of course it helps if you have a story, as well as characters that people like. The only way that could happen here would be if Solange danced with . . . um, well, with a piece of string. Yeah. String has more charm than these characters.
Pseudo3DJune 9th, 2011 at 8:11 pm [Reply]
@Sgt. Stoned (#224): And why face powder? Sure, the “mountain man” may have caused a ruckus, but break open cans of face powder enough to leave footprints? Don’t they have a safety seal?
I’m confused…
Bill ThompsonJune 9th, 2011 at 8:21 pm [Reply]
@Effluvius Erratus (#169): I think Batiuk is hunting for a niche audience here. He’s looking for all those people who believe they’re Great Authors and are being held back by the jealous, untalented people around them. It’s an Ayn Rand kind of story: Atlas Smirked.
Écureuil ÉcumantJune 9th, 2011 at 8:39 pm [Reply]
@Walker of Dog (#197): Yeah, I know. We never forget our first two-year-old haddock.
The RidgerJune 9th, 2011 at 8:49 pm [Reply]
9CL: I’m sorry, but Fernanda’s legs are creeping me out. They look utterly unconnected to her body, which – like Seth – is drawn in such a different style that it just … it just doesn’t work. Ugh.
bats :[June 9th, 2011 at 8:50 pm [Reply]
@Mad Pedant, The (#210): I’ll have to look for the more-scholarly book — I already have “I Saw Esau.” Thanks!
bats :[June 9th, 2011 at 8:53 pm [Reply]
@gnome de blog (#215): meh. Crankshaft has to survive the Great Bowel Shift every morning.
Wait, what?
June 9th, 2011 at 8:57 pm [Reply]
@gnome de blog (#181): I sang that version, too.
KarMannJune 9th, 2011 at 8:57 pm [Reply]
Hey bats :[, it sounds like Bill Thompson (#227) needs a link. You know the one.
bats :[June 9th, 2011 at 9:06 pm [Reply]
@KarMann (#235): nobody needs to be overwhelmed, but here’s the first. I think there are a total of six on my site.
(I’ve been trying to work this bolero sequence into the dancing kittehs, but with the lack of text, I think everyone would be money ahead just to look at queek’s original find — that was textless, too. And more entertaining.)
June 9th, 2011 at 9:08 pm [Reply]
I understand the “No more school” part, but “No computers”? No computers to use for looking up, watching, or downloading pornography, or to write horribly-written fan fictions? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?!
tb4000June 9th, 2011 at 9:12 pm [Reply]
OBH: And the award for the creepiest comic strip ending of all time goes to…..
Effluvius ErratusJune 9th, 2011 at 9:21 pm [Reply]
@Bill Thompson (#229): Yeah, well they’ve both inspired me to write my own pseudo-philosophical Mary Sue revenge on the world that wronged me novel: Uranus Barfed.
UncleJeffJune 9th, 2011 at 9:26 pm [Reply]
@pepperjackcandy (#145): At my high school (back in the Pleistocene Era), we used the phrase “wood” alcohol (which would probably kill you) — “good” alcohol was sometimes used.
And the last line was “Then we watch the faculty go staggering down the hall” (which at my school was often the truth).
(* sung to “The Notre Dame Victory March”)
June 9th, 2011 at 9:28 pm [Reply]
@ArchieNemesis (#165): Sooooooooooo…..no more “buttsecks” jokes?
UncleJeffJune 9th, 2011 at 9:36 pm [Reply]
@UncleJeff (#240): Why. Yes. I am from Wisconsin. How did you guess?
Écureuil ÉcumantJune 9th, 2011 at 9:36 pm [Reply]
Here’s one we used to sing in Hawaii, with parenthesized translations where needed. It has a tune but I’ve never heard it used with other words.
Oh, the day that [NAME] died
He called me to his side
And willed to me his ekalau bibadees (dirty underwear – from “BVDs”)
They were ‘ala-’ala and pilau (filthy and stinky)
And full of me’eau (one of vulgar terms for excrement, “crap”)
Just crawling with ‘ukus, crabs and fleas. (lice)
June 9th, 2011 at 9:38 pm [Reply]
@UncleJeff (#241): I’ll stop making them when the strip stops making them.
Artist formerly known as BenJune 9th, 2011 at 10:08 pm [Reply]
Late to the party, but…
SM: “Come on, honey. I want to make sure we’re only morally bankrupt.” “All right, then.”
Archie: With her hair covered, I’m not sure which girl Archie is supposed to be talking to. Betty? Veronica? Amos? Andy?
A3G: You, Lu Ann? Well, the Wizard of Iris gave you a diploma, but it turned out not to be worth the paper it was printed on.
DT: Doubleup hasn’t pressured his moll into getting implants, so maybe he has some redeeming qualities after all.
Crock: I kind of laughed at this one, so chalk a win up for the sadly departed Mr Rechin.
FC: Did Jeffy…? Oh yes he did. Jeffy put his toys in his pants. There’s one kid who never has to worry if they bring the draft back.
BB: When did Austin Powers start training at Camp Swampy?
OBH: Avis! You’re peeping into the wrong room! And if you want Frank and Ellen’s bedroom, you’ll need a ladder.
commodorejohnJune 9th, 2011 at 10:09 pm [Reply]
@Psychid (#237): The fact that Batiuk apparently conceives of computers only as a drudge-work implement leads me to think that he hasn’t actually been paying any attention to computing since he took “Data Processing” as an elective in 1968 and fucked around with COBOL for four months.
Scott BotJune 9th, 2011 at 10:19 pm [Reply]
No more books and no computers
No more teacher’s great big hooters.
(I apologize if someone posted that and I missed it)
CanuckDownSouthJune 9th, 2011 at 10:29 pm [Reply]
My memory reeks, but even in the 80s we got away with ditties that would send you to a psych eval these days.
One song started Joy to the world! / The school burnt down! and, um, don’t recall, but I think the teachers died in it.
There was also
Deck the halls with gas-o-line /
fa la la la la la la la laa /
Light a match and watch it gleam /
fa la la la la la la la laa /
Watch the school burn down to a-shes /
fa la la la la la la la laa /
Aren’t you glad you played with mat-ches?
I have no idea why Christmas carols were the fave parody tune.
Just some guyJune 9th, 2011 at 10:29 pm [Reply]
Yeah kids today are into expensive liquors like vodka.
Not cheap beer or anything.
June 9th, 2011 at 10:38 pm [Reply]
@Esther Blodgett (#168): Marijuana, marijuana
LSD, LSD
Scientists make it
Teachers take it
…and I can’t remember the last line.
So do we, so do we!
(? It scans, anyway.)
[Katy @185: Ha! And I was just guessing!]
[Also to Katy, my sisters apparently believed that the Beatles clues would lead the alert solver to a time and place where a helicopter would pick up the enlightened and take them on a "magical mystery tour" to some wonderful island. This was one or two albums before the "death clues" thing broke. Great times, great times.]
@Rocky Stoneaxe (#170): Paul McCartney meets Jack Kirby (with photos and a Kirby drawing of Paul & Linda). It is good to be a Beatle. Apart from, you know, people stalking you with guns or knives.
Bill ThompsonJune 9th, 2011 at 10:38 pm [Reply]
@bats :[ (#236): and KarMan–Thank you both for that link!
[Old Man] MuffarooJune 9th, 2011 at 10:40 pm [Reply]
@SF_Reader (#177): Sushi and tapenade in Virginia? When did they become legalized?
Uh, gee, I dunno. Sushi was around before I finally learned to like (and then love) it, but how long… just dunno. I started consuming it in the 90s, anyway. [And I doubt you really were trying to get me to reminisce about it, so I stop now.]
@TheDiva (#178): Connoisseurs of verses like these would be well advised to dig up a book called Joe’s Got a Head Like a Ping-Pong Ball It’s a superb reference to these folk-type songs of 20th Century America, collected from listener submissions to “A Prairie Home Companion.” It’s a wonderful thing to behold, with exhaustive collections of variants and more. Plus at least one song that was originally from MAD that slipped past the editors. [queek @180, I'm talking to you too… and to gnome @181, and Esther Blodgett @182, and…] [ps: It's not the same book This Guy @193 mentions, either — that one appears to be more scholarly. The PHC one is mostly a big, big collection.]
@Scott Bot (#194): “Shaving Cream” by Benny Bell can be found at archive.org. If you can’t find it yourself, I’ll put up a link when I have more time. Gotta put the wee one to bed now.
[Old Man] MuffarooJune 9th, 2011 at 10:40 pm [Reply]
@Mad Pedant, The (#210): This Oxford Dictionary of Nursery Rhymes sounds like a good one to go on the shelf by The Annotated Mother Goose.
@Pseudo3D (#217): That’s “Joy to the World,” not “Ode to Joy.” Can’t fool me!
[Old Man] MuffarooJune 9th, 2011 at 10:43 pm [Reply]
@[Old Man] Muffaroo (#252): Here’s the link to Benny Bell at archive, and instead of linking to the song, here’s the whole page. Be sure and listen to “Everybody Wants My Fanny,” (which is, to me, better than “Shaving Cream”) and “Why Buy a Cow When Milk is Cheap.” After that, you can just wander. Some are better, some ain’t.
SequiturJune 9th, 2011 at 10:44 pm [Reply]
@CanuckDownSouth (#248): I think it’s because most people know Christmas songs.
We had one back in the ’60’s that actually came from MAD magazine (tune of “Hark the Herald Angels Sing”)…
Boom the cherry bombs explode blowing potholes in the road
Tiny bits of dynamite sure can give a guy a fright
One went off by Irving’s momma, poor thing almost had a trauma
Gad, what simple minded jerks we let loose with fireworks
Boom the cherry bombs explode blowing potholes in the road.
June 9th, 2011 at 10:50 pm [Reply]
@CanuckDownSouth (#248): I went to a parochial school in the Sixties, so only half the stuff we sang would have got us committed. The other things would have got us sent to hell, or at least purgatory. My best musical memory of school happened the day that an anal-retentive nun marched a group of boys across the schoolyard. No lyrics were involved; they started whistling the Colonel Bogey March.
But I can see why Crankshat feels old. In his day they didn’t have schoolbuses. Or schools. Or music. Life was bleak before the Romans conquered and civilized Crankshaft’s province.
This GuyJune 9th, 2011 at 11:02 pm [Reply]
@[Old Man] Muffaroo (#254): “Everybody Wants My Fanny.” An American song, from the sound of it–it’d be a whole new story in the UK.
And you know, I remember a big collection of APHC folk songs, but it didn’t have the title of a song–it was just called A Prairie Home Companion Folk Song Book. Big gray hardcover.
Old School Allie CatJune 9th, 2011 at 11:07 pm [Reply]
@Mad Pedant, The (#210): I have “I Saw Esau” on my bookshelf, and I owned the Opie book at one point… and of course I have Bettleheim’s “Uses of Enchantment”. I got into that whole line of study in high school after I commented about Seuss’ political leanings in “The Sneetches” and a teacher gave me some recommended reading.
I’m sure it’s obvious, I was an insanely popular high schooler.
Old School Allie CatJune 9th, 2011 at 11:14 pm [Reply]
Oh, and here’s one from my childhood – to the tune of “Bye, Bye Blackbird”
I have lost my underwear/
I don’t care/
I’ll go bare/
Bye, bye longjohns.
They were very dear to me/
Tickled me/
Tee hee hee/
Bye, bye longjohns
How I’ll miss that little trapdoor behind me/
If you see them, you’ll know where to find me.
I have lost my underwear/
I don’t care/
I’ll go bare…
Longjohns, bye bye!
Walker of DogJune 9th, 2011 at 11:16 pm [Reply]
@Sgt. Stoned (#224): Flashforward to the trial: If the moccasin doesn’t fit, you must acquit!
SequiturJune 9th, 2011 at 11:17 pm [Reply]
This is a song that never ends…
Maggie the CatJune 9th, 2011 at 11:19 pm [Reply]
@sexy adult costume (#259): <—-The most-relevant-to-actual-post-spam I've ever seen!
AustriaJune 9th, 2011 at 11:19 pm [Reply]
@Pseudo3D (#217): I’ve heard both “and round and round it goes” and “and listen to her scream” for the end.
I read this one in some book–
We three kings of Orient are
Trying to smoke a rubber cigar
It was loaded, it exploded–
*pause*
Siiiiiiiilent night……
June 9th, 2011 at 11:23 pm [Reply]
@sexy adult costume (#259): Unacceptable hormonal//education-based fetish detected. Directive: File transfer @ Reprogramming unit for error corruption restore and ++Stealth3.0.4 upgrade.
Skynet homicide subcategory rage = 0.015
This GuyJune 9th, 2011 at 11:29 pm [Reply]
@Austria (#263): I originally heard the “rubber cigar” song end with “It blew us very far.” I’ve also heard it go on with “We two kings of Orient are…” and “I one king of Orient am…”
Red GreenbackJune 9th, 2011 at 11:31 pm [Reply]
I am having funny.
zerowolfJune 9th, 2011 at 11:35 pm [Reply]
A3G: Well, two out of three ain’t bad.
zerowolfJune 9th, 2011 at 11:40 pm [Reply]
RMMD: What’s up with the smudges on Dex in panel 2? Is this all happening on Ash Wednesday and their parish has a really nearsighted priest?
zerowolfJune 9th, 2011 at 11:42 pm [Reply]
GT: Emo Phillips guest staring in panel two does have a point.
zerowolfJune 9th, 2011 at 11:45 pm [Reply]
MT: Considering all the “good stuff” in a drug store is locked up, are they planning on making a fortune on black market for chia pets and sun screen?
CanuckDownSouthJune 9th, 2011 at 11:48 pm [Reply]
#263-Austria
we finished that one with “… and now we’re on yonder star”
oh – ohhh
star of wonder, star of light
star of royal beauty bright
it’s our home instead of Ro-o-ome
o-on this cold, clear night
June 9th, 2011 at 11:49 pm [Reply]
We also sometimes sang “dynamite bar” instead of “rubber cigar”
[Old Man] MuffarooJune 9th, 2011 at 11:52 pm [Reply]
@This Guy (#257): Inasmuch as it is sung by a man, yes.
Beetle BumsteadJune 10th, 2011 at 12:00 am [Reply]
@Uncle Lumpy (#71):
I can just hear Crankshaft muttering to himself in the unseen fourth and fifth panels: “When I was a boy, schoolbus chants scanned.
Now we are dealing with these overwrought chants brought on by these drug-addled teachers who can’t step away from the computer.
Bill ThompsonJune 10th, 2011 at 12:22 am [Reply]
The Amusing Spiderman: So the assclown knew all along that he didn’t have a picture of Martine. I want to see him explain this to MJ. Tonight you sleep on the couch for a reason, schmuck!
Phantom: A few days ago they showed us the Phantom’s face. Now we know why. The creators don’t like their audience.
Mark Trail: It will work until Mark Trail suggests dusting the container and cabinet for fingerprints. Of course he’ll have to explain the concept to Sheriff Dad.
Funky Wankerbean: Funky is going to hack into Montoni’s security camera, upload the scene to YouTube, then tweet the entire civilized world about it. That’s what friends are for in the Funkyverse.
Bill ThompsonJune 10th, 2011 at 12:25 am [Reply]
Phantom, redux: So Poindexter suddenly buys into the superstitions about the Phantom? Figures. But does the Phantom believe his own hype? Because the obvious reason to keep his face hidden is so no one can identify him. Doesn’t he unmask at home?
Maggie the CatJune 10th, 2011 at 12:29 am [Reply]
RMMD- Panel 3- June looks like she just took a hot poker to the bunghole. tssssttt!!!
Maggie the CatJune 10th, 2011 at 12:31 am [Reply]
A3G- LuAnn never fails to be amazed at the obvious.
Maggie the CatJune 10th, 2011 at 12:32 am [Reply]
And… I am hoping that mark on LuAnn’s cheek in panel 2 is the remnants of Tommie slapping some since into her thick, pretty head.
bats :[June 10th, 2011 at 12:39 am [Reply]
@Écureuil Écumant (#243): wow. Truly unique! (I wonder if mollificent, who lived in Hawaii for a few years as a child (I think) knows it.)
ElkMeadowJune 10th, 2011 at 12:46 am [Reply]
@Maggie the Cat (#277):
Serve her right if she did. She’s more concerned about how Berna’s sudden retirement is going to affect her more than she is about how Dexter is the one who gave up the boat to keep the peace with his selfish, greedy sister.
(I met some friends of a guy who was one of the first winners in the Oregon lottery some 20 plus years ago. He won seven million dollars–and died a million dollars in debt.
ElkMeadowJune 10th, 2011 at 12:51 am [Reply]
Oh, and the boat? Dexter picked it out, paid for it out of what will be his share of the winnings, was humiliated in front of the Morgans for having bought it, and gave it up to Rex. And yet it’s Berna’s gift to the Morgans. How….argh! There are no words that describe my contempt for her.
Read em and lafJune 10th, 2011 at 12:55 am [Reply]
JP World’s s l o w e s t suicide attempt ever…
Falling off by accident would turn the drama into incompetence — what a waste.
MT Where can the mountain man plug in high tech goodies?
Nobody checked out neighborhood pawn shops or abnormally high electric bills?
June 10th, 2011 at 1:11 am [Reply]
MT–Good plan, Mike! Your father is sure to mistake your size 6 Minnetonka prints for John Thrasher’s size 11 home-sewn deerskin moccasin prints!
ElkMeadowJune 10th, 2011 at 1:12 am [Reply]
@Mad Pedant, The (#213):
I Googled “If the Bone Man comes” and found out at a few places that in England that the Bone Man collected bones (I guess from cooking) for glue, and that the Rag man collected old clothes to make into rags, and somewhere the two occupations combined, and the name is now rag-and-bone man. They also collected other stuffs, and basically were early recyclers/thrift stores as if there was something already on the cart that you wanted, you could buy it. The old cart driver/junkman in Gasoline Alley seems to fit the description. The ones in England gave balloons or goldfish to children.
I had this in my Mother Goose book:
If I had as much money as I could spy,
I’d never cry, “Old clothes to buy
Old clothes to buy, old clothes to buy.”
I’d never cry, “Old clothes to buy.”
June 10th, 2011 at 1:15 am [Reply]
and no one mentioned this one??
I’m Popeye the sailor man
I live in a frying pan
Turn up the gas and I burn off my ass
I’m Popeye the sailor man
June 10th, 2011 at 1:16 am [Reply]
ohpleaseohpleaseohplease
Bill ThompsonJune 10th, 2011 at 1:31 am [Reply]
@bats :[ (#287): Second the emotion on that one! And while looking at it, I spotted the flaw in Batiuk’s logic: since when does Les have friends? He wants sycophants.
bats :[June 10th, 2011 at 1:33 am [Reply]
@CanuckDownSouth (#272): ah, the parodied Christmas carols!
We three Kings of Orient are,
Tried to smoke a rubber cigar,
It was loaded, It ex-plo-oh-ded,
That’s how we got so far.
June 10th, 2011 at 1:36 am [Reply]
@Esther Blodgett (#168): The last line was: “Why can’t we? Why can’t we?”
PoteetJune 10th, 2011 at 1:48 am [Reply]
When riding the Girl Scout camp bus in the summer, we children did an endless rendition of the little number below, which had as many potential verses as words that could sort of rhyme with “mighty fine.” I regret to say that I was quite proud of my ability to keep coming up with new verses of dubious merit to which my fellow campers could yell out the chorus, so I am probably responsible for whatever substance-abuse problem the bus driver finally developed.
The doughnuts that they give us
They say are mighty fine,
But one rolled off a table
And killed a friend of mine!
(Chorus) Oh, I don’t want no more of camping life
Gee Ma, I wanna go
Oh Ma, I wanna go,
Yes, Ma, I wanna go home!
June 10th, 2011 at 1:51 am [Reply]
Funky Winkerbean:
Hollywood? Movie options? Two babes that love me?
I’ve got to do what real friends do:
Talk to Charlie Sheen!
June 10th, 2011 at 1:51 am [Reply]
How about…
Fill the school with nitroglycerin
Fa la la la la la la la la
Light the fuse and run and listen
Fa la la la la la la la la
Students flying, teachers crying
Fa la la la la la la la la
Fill the school with nitroglycerin
Fa la la la la la la la la…
June 10th, 2011 at 1:55 am [Reply]
6/10 MT — If this actually does turn into a low-comedy dramatization of “The Literary Offenses of Fenimore Cooper,” I may forgive the Eldrodball for just about everything.
PoteetJune 10th, 2011 at 1:56 am [Reply]
@Poteet (#294): Elrodball. Yeesh.
AnachrosaurusJune 10th, 2011 at 1:57 am [Reply]
Then there’s this one that I heard in the early 1970’s:
There’s a place on Mars where the women smoke cigars
Every puff they take is enough to kill a snake
When the snake is dead they stuff diamonds in its head
When the diamonds break it is 1998!
June 10th, 2011 at 2:00 am [Reply]
@SF_Reader (#189): …hit me with a ruler,
I socked her on the bean
With a rotten tangerine,
And the tears go marching on!
June 10th, 2011 at 2:06 am [Reply]
@Poteet (#294): Oh my God, who do I send all my money to to make that happen?
AnonymousJune 10th, 2011 at 2:42 am [Reply]
what s/he said
@Speck (#1):
June 10th, 2011 at 2:52 am [Reply]
@ElkMeadow (#285): And I always thought the Bone man was Jeff Smith *. Though I suppose he’d be the RASL man now.
Comcis FanJune 10th, 2011 at 2:59 am [Reply]
MW: Mary interrupts her audio tour of the Santa Royale Hospital gardens to recoil in horror at Drew’s trouble with Liza.
daleJune 10th, 2011 at 3:14 am [Reply]
MT
Are moccasins practical if one lives in mountainous “rough country”?
Of course, it’s fairly close to town but not close enough to send out search parties when the BURGLAR ALARMS go off.
June 10th, 2011 at 5:17 am [Reply]
6/10 Dustin: And what, laps are never part of a race? Oh yeah, I can see why this one got a Rubin.
KarMannJune 10th, 2011 at 5:34 am [Reply]
Luann: Boy, it’s a good think Tiffany didn’t win her pageant! It would’ve totally gone to her head, and she’d never shut up about it, and we’d never hear the end of it, because she’s a stuck-up bitch! Not like Luann and her First Princess [*] title at all!
gleebJune 10th, 2011 at 6:22 am [Reply]
Beetle: Plato is reading Weird Stuff, which sets up the gag, but what’s Beetle got there? A stained glass manual? A floor tile catalog? De Stijl for Dummies?
‘bean: Yeah, if you don’t get Creepy Les back, you’ll have to work extra shifts until you replace him.
John C FremontJune 10th, 2011 at 6:32 am [Reply]
@greghousesgf (#286): There was also “I turned on the heater,
and burnt off my peter,
I’m Popeye the etc.”
Speaking of The Bone Man, Richard Thompson (no, the other Richard Thompson) wrote a song called Sam Jones which I used to listen to a lot. His music is not everyone’s cup of tea, but it’s worth a listen. Or not, depending.
Terry in MarylandJune 10th, 2011 at 6:44 am [Reply]
He who sees the Phantom’s face unmasked shall suffer a terrible death? That explains the whole Diana in prison plot.
Mole Man FanJune 10th, 2011 at 7:34 am [Reply]
@Bill Thompson (#276) re: “Doesn’t he unmask at home?”: Actually…
http://content.comicskingdom.net/Phantom/Phantom.20090506_small.gif
http://content.comicskingdom.net/Phantom/Phantom.20090513_small.gif
….no.
(Note: To view the links, copy-and-paste into a new browser window. Clicking directly is restricted.)
JessyJune 10th, 2011 at 7:39 am [Reply]
@ElkMeadow (#281): I never understand how people win millions and end up penniless. I wish the universe would give me a chance to prove that I could handle it. But I guess I’d have to buy one of those ticket-thingies first.
And Berna! Don’t get me started! Dex is a slobbering monster for buying a boat (on clearance, haha) but Berna can go to the dealership, not even bother to test drive the car, and say, “Wrap it up, my good man.” Pfft!
Mole Man FanJune 10th, 2011 at 7:40 am [Reply]
@me (#308): I was actually looking for another example, a dinnertime scene, but the search killed half the morning and I gotta get to work. The dinner scene sticks with me because it inspired a memorable snark from a ‘mudge (don’t remember who) about how the Phantom is so dedicated to his mission he wears his costume at all times. Punchline: “God, how he must reek.”
An internet dollar to whoever tracks down the strip and the snark. Thanks.
D-NiceJune 10th, 2011 at 7:43 am [Reply]
Beetle Bailey (6-9-11): More disturbing to Sarge than the noise that isn’t letting hmi fall asleep should be the soldier having phone sex in his tent.
Little GuyJune 10th, 2011 at 7:59 am [Reply]
MT: Bob Weber Jr? Ghostplotting in my Mark Trail? When do we get to see the Cassandra Cat/Kelly Welly encounter?
Spiderman: JJJ is so fixated on getting a picture of a vampire that he missed a golden chance to publish a “Spiderman has jock itch over his entire body” photo.
Bill ThompsonJune 10th, 2011 at 8:02 am [Reply]
@Mole Man Fan (#308): That noise you heard was the sound of my mind boggling. Quite common, really.
Some GuyJune 10th, 2011 at 8:09 am [Reply]
A3G: “Omigosh, you’re right! That’s spooky!! It’s like, there was a thing that happened more than a day ago and it’s still inside your head! How do you do that, Tommie?”
Love Is… crossing over with Funky, apparently.
Spidey: No wonder JJ is always yelling, since Peter apparently never bothers to look at the photos he takes with an automatic timer before bringing them in. Most of them probably don’t have Spider-Man’s head in them.
RustyJune 10th, 2011 at 8:11 am [Reply]
FW: Funky’s got back.
pugfugglyJune 10th, 2011 at 8:26 am [Reply]
@Poteet (#291): Our version of that was a touch more canadian, and military themed, though we were just scouts…
They say that in the army,
the drinks are mighty fine
I asked for Coca-Cola
and they gave me turpentine,
Oh, I don’t want no more of army life!
Gee mom, I wanna go
back to Ontario
Gee mom I wanna go
hooo-ooo-ooome!
etc. etc. etc.
mvgJune 10th, 2011 at 8:34 am [Reply]
JP: Low-cut strapless red eff-me dress, huge tracts o’ land, chilly night… uhm, what the hell was I gonna say?
flodnakJune 10th, 2011 at 8:44 am [Reply]
Phantom: “Don’t look at my face! Look at my grotesquely overmuscled torso instead!….
“Say, Nameless College Kid, do you like movies about gladiators?”
AnonymousJune 10th, 2011 at 11:22 am [Reply]
@Poteet (#291): @Poteet (#294): MT: I have always suspected that you were a Professor of English and this reference proves it.
Mysterious shirtless lawyerJune 10th, 2011 at 2:11 pm [Reply]
I’m proud to be the 320th to say “It scans when you’re drunk, smart ass!”
AnonymousJune 11th, 2011 at 3:12 pm [Reply]
Joke all you like, but Beetle’s perusal of Rothko Illustrated is the closest thing he’s had to character growth in 70 years.
Sam LJune 11th, 2011 at 3:13 pm [Reply]
Joke all you like, but Beetle’s perusal of Rothko Illustrated is the closest thing he’s had to character growth in 70 years.
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