"All hail Martine! Plumber's apprentice to Dracula!" --Artist formerly known as Ben
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I suppose the joke here is supposed to be kind of the flipside of the Mother’s Day installment; both have at their core the sad fact that the Keane Kids are semi-feral slobs who would, if not for Mommy’s constant attention, live in their own filth. But I’d like to believe that we’re seeing a progression here from Sunday’s episode: after the unseen fiasco of her very special dinner, during the course of which every single meticulously arranged outfit was in short order coated with a viscous layer of ketchup and boogers, she just decided to give up entirely. What we’re seeing here is the nicest outfit that Billy has left only a few days after his mother stopped grooming him. Soon the kids will be lurching around the house in gunny sacks (lurching because nobody will bother cutting out arm or leg holes for them).
Herb and Jamaal, 5/12/11
Ha ha, Herb, your daughter has no time for your weak and ancient Semitic sky deity! She will only offer prayers to her awesome and majestic insect god!
This entry was posted on Thursday, May 12, 2011 at 09:10 am and is filed under Family Circus, Herb and Jamaal. | 232 responses to “CPS can’t save you now, Billy” Sue D. NymmeMay 12th, 2011 at 9:15 am [Reply]
Snorting butterfly: just say no, kids.
Maggie the CatMay 12th, 2011 at 9:16 am [Reply]
Never mind Billy’s ragamuffin wardrobe… I’m more disconcerted by his birth defect of a singular nostril. Poor kid. Only has one side to pick from.
PozzoMay 12th, 2011 at 9:17 am [Reply]
Billy’s bed has fallen into ruin, as well. That open drawer is where he’s sleeping these days.
nescioMay 12th, 2011 at 9:22 am [Reply]
FC: Black and blue goes best with that outfit.
B.C.: Sorry, but mooning requires buttocks and clothing.
S. StoutMay 12th, 2011 at 9:22 am [Reply]
Blue socks don’t go well with any outfit, Billy. For that outfit, however, I would choose no socks.
Mark BMay 12th, 2011 at 9:24 am [Reply]
Mark Trail is making progress. He’s still talking to himself, but at least he’s pretending that he’s talking to someone else now. And even acknowledging that the other person may or may not hear him.
Rocky StoneaxeMay 12th, 2011 at 9:25 am [Reply]
Hi & Lois — Ditto is about to join the tea party “movement”… since the cookies are laced with ipecac:
http://www.gocomics.com/gasolinealley/2010/07/01/
Beetle Bailey — Never mind that Killer’s 1953 Ridge Tool calendar won’t be good again until the year 2015:
http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5252/5396851930_e7ef05781a.jpg
Mark BMay 12th, 2011 at 9:25 am [Reply]
Billy is a bindle short of being a hobo.
BringTheNoiseMay 12th, 2011 at 9:27 am [Reply]
Was that really the best attempt at a joke Herb & Jamaal could manage?
… Stupid question, of course it was.
nerowolfgalMay 12th, 2011 at 9:29 am [Reply]
MW – Okay…….Drew “just wants to be friends” with Liza; could someone explain why? Most sane people do not want to be friends with crazy-controlling-stalker-type ladies. Perhaps in the Mary Worth world there is a different meaning to the word “friend”, as in “the person I have the restraining order on, who makes me carry a can of Mace in my pocket”.
[Old Man] MuffarooMay 12th, 2011 at 9:36 am [Reply]
Crankshaft – “My mom… a cougar?”
More like a Model A! Thank you. Thank you.
Dennis – “An’ don’t get me started about airline food. Good night, an’ be sure to tip your wife.”
queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii CommandoMay 12th, 2011 at 9:37 am [Reply]
ikkle bebbeh martin sqweee!
pour some sugar on me! \m/
corgi with flower.
lol-snark and squee were rather scarce on the ground today.
[Old Man] MuffarooMay 12th, 2011 at 9:38 am [Reply]
Gil – If that’s not a montage in the first panel, they might think about trading her to the Giants. I mean… to the giants.
Hi – “Lots -o- Chips”?? Don’t eat the cookies! Lots -o- Chips is Flagstons!
[Old Man] MuffarooMay 12th, 2011 at 9:38 am [Reply]
Mark – Oh, Mark! If you want John Thrasher to appear, you have to sit and wait in the most sincere pumpkin patch in the forest.
Spider-Man – If Morbius is light enough to float on the wind, MJ can probably get rid of him by blowing hard every time he gets close.
[Old Man] MuffarooMay 12th, 2011 at 9:39 am [Reply]
@Rocky Stoneaxe (#y203): When a link gets all sniffy like the previous one, I
(1) copy the URL, and
(2) paste it in a navigation window.
That usually does it. I think I learned that here.
@Maggie the Cat (#y215): Now, framed photos of Drew showering, getting his mail, carrying in groceries, making his rounds at work…
Even likelier, photos of Dr. Drew’s face awkwardly cut out and pasted over Peter Lupus’s Playgirl pictorial.
May 12th, 2011 at 9:45 am [Reply]
MT: If I were a recluse living in the woods, and I heard someone shouting my name and “WE ARE YOUR FRIENDS,” my first thought would be “I have no idea who you are or why you want me to come out.” My second thought would be “Wait, isn’t there just one of you?”
Red GreenbackMay 12th, 2011 at 9:47 am [Reply]
“Mommy, where are the old stogies I have found?”
ChipMay 12th, 2011 at 9:48 am [Reply]
I can’t speak for Herb, but if I walked into a room and saw my kid on their knees praying, I’d be wondering what they did or what happened that needed intense prayer at that moment.
DoodMay 12th, 2011 at 9:49 am [Reply]
Rally caps, people.
Esther BlodgettMay 12th, 2011 at 9:50 am [Reply]
S-M: You can tell Morbius hasn’t turned all the way into a vampire yet. He still casts a shadow, but it’s several feet away and pointing in the wrong direction.
DoodMay 12th, 2011 at 9:56 am [Reply]
Apartment 3-G: What’s with Margo’s admission that “Trey and I are too much alike”? I mean, other than a possible shared fascination with buns and a desire to live in blue igloos, I don’t see much in common there.
DoodMay 12th, 2011 at 10:00 am [Reply]
Mark Trail: Thrasher? He barely even knew ‘er.
Dennis JimenezMay 12th, 2011 at 10:05 am [Reply]
FC – Why those Keens can make a bell ringin’ ‘toon out’a anything!
H&J – Aw, ain’t that sweet – she’s torturing an insect – drats!!! I guess she’s just prayin’….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
pugfugglyMay 12th, 2011 at 10:07 am [Reply]
Praying to the insect god? Herb’s daughter *is* the insect God!Water-to-wine might have been impressive way back when, but boogers-to-butterflies is just the first step in the creation of a ragin arthropod army a-la Starship Troopers, all pulled out of a little girl’s nostrils….
Mark BMay 12th, 2011 at 10:10 am [Reply]
@Esther Blodgett (#16): The ‘We are your friends’ line reminded me of ‘Mars Attacks’, actually.
Gloom RaiderMay 12th, 2011 at 10:10 am [Reply]
She’s a Mothra-worshipper! Excellent!
As for Dr. Drew and Liza, after pulling out “Let’s be friends,” even Mothra isn’t going to be able to save Drew’s butt. I find myself hoping Jill bursts through the door with a bottle of wine, swearing at him.
Pseudo3DMay 12th, 2011 at 10:20 am [Reply]
Yay! New comics to snark and MST3K!
DT – ANOTHER person will die, and it none of it will be at Tracy’s hand.
9CL – Yes, after ruining a married man’s life by convincing them they are gay, you, a “gay man”, seek forgiveness by your ex-girlfriend. Sound logic, there.
MW – “But, but…the whip and handcuffs were really expensive! Now I’ll never get to use them!”
MT – Something about Andy there, looking back at Mark, makes it seem as if he’s thinking “Are you that stupid, reallly?”
Comcis FanMay 12th, 2011 at 10:30 am [Reply]
Blondie: From the placement of his hands in panels 1 and 2, I suspect Dagwood was doing more in the tub than just taking a bath and may not want to share that detail at the office. Furthermore, in what country is “knock” spelled “noc?” Is this some kind of Scandinavian plumbing company?
Zits: First panel is stand-alone funny.
MW: At which point the circuitry behind her face started to smolder. Now, where is that Jill Black-Drew Corey hookup we thought was in the pipeline?
MustangMay 12th, 2011 at 10:31 am [Reply]
H&J -It’s time someone told whoever is responsible for this strip that you can’t just take stuff that seemed hilarious when you were high and turn it into a comic strip. Or you can, I suppose, but only your high readers will “grok” it.
Doctor HandsomeMay 12th, 2011 at 10:35 am [Reply]
Based on the generally accepted conventions of comic-strip visual shorthand, I assume that the butterfly is ripping a massive fart. Which would explain Uhuru’s expression in panel 3.
Comcis FanMay 12th, 2011 at 10:35 am [Reply]
#235 John Fremont, OT: While Liza does look exactly like Macaulay Culkin in “Home Alone” here — delicate 8-year-old features and blonde hair and all — I think she’s about to treat Drew to a response more akin to Edvard Munch’s “The Scream.”
Alan's AddictionMay 12th, 2011 at 10:38 am [Reply]
I realize that I’ve been using the “Keane Kult” joke a lot recently, but only because if the Keanes were followers of a bizarre, ultra-Puritanical, neo-fundamentalist Abrahamic sect, it would explain so very, very much. For instance, in their religion, vanity is so frowned upon that new clothes are only bought once a decade. God despises the arrogance of pretty clothes, or good hygienic practices.
I think we’ll all remember the day that “Herb and Jamaal” stopped being a comic strip and became a weird offshoot of those creepy “Precious Moments” dolls. Either that or the strip has become so non-specific that they can’t even show praying to a specific deity, hence the last-minute insertion of the butterfly joke.
May 12th, 2011 at 10:38 am [Reply]
I must say that the pacing in Mary Worth is (mercifully, in this case) inconsistent. These two met, apparently were off-strip intimate, developed a stalker attachment and broke up in less time than it took Mary to figure out that Johnson woman was a shopaholic hoarder.
Rocky StoneaxeMay 12th, 2011 at 10:40 am [Reply]
5-12 Weird Sound Effects:
9CL — SLAM!
Peanuts — KLUNK!
Blondie — NOC NOC
Snuffy Smith –RINGY-DING-RING!!
Piranha Club —
http://www.jsonline.com/comics/32402404.html?feature_id=Piranha
Uncle LumpyMay 12th, 2011 at 10:40 am [Reply]
Well, I had to look up CPS and yeah, I don’t think they’re gonna do Billy much good.
Tom the Sailor ManMay 12th, 2011 at 10:41 am [Reply]
MW – Clever of Drew to wear a suit that camouflages him on Liza’s couch, but he blew it by wearing the electric blue tie. She’ll aim right for the chest.
Chyron HRMay 12th, 2011 at 10:42 am [Reply]
“Aww, isn’t that precious? Uhuru thinks that there’s some guiding force in this cold uncaring universe that might be moved by her supplications. Little idiot.”
MibbitmakerMay 12th, 2011 at 10:43 am [Reply]
Skimmed… Oversnarpologies (if available in your area)…
9CL: I’m not pleased, if that’s any consolation.
Crank: Not a “cougar”… more like a “perv”… or a “pedophile”…
ECity: “In the Anderson Cooper Egyptian Suite…”
FW: Well I DON’T AGREE!
TaggedMay 12th, 2011 at 10:43 am [Reply]
NS: Sorry, Danae, but being a celebrity requires actually having a talent for something other than annoying the heck out of everyone. And, no, Paris Hilton does not count.
spikeMay 12th, 2011 at 10:46 am [Reply]
@Comcis Fan (#33): You seem to have diagnosed the issues quite succintly. In order to get away from Nurse Liza, Drew will be forced to return to Vietnam by the Dark Queen. Win-win all around.
CdS: Win! [And would someone please get those girls some more mulch?]
@Mibbitmaker (#38): You must agree–It’s called writing!
VoshkodMay 12th, 2011 at 10:46 am [Reply]
Did Herb’s daughter just restore life to a dead butterfly? Stay tuned for the most frightening week of Herb and Jamaal, when the young girl gains more and more powers, and begins to wish people into “the area of land in which certain agricultural goods are grown.”
Doctor HandsomeMay 12th, 2011 at 10:47 am [Reply]
I hope Sunday’s Family Circus shows the dashed-line route by which Billy walked home, including the seven miles where he was dragged under a bus. I really hope that.
PozzoMay 12th, 2011 at 10:47 am [Reply]
#35 Uncle Lumpy – Yeah, the CPS references confused me, too. In my neck of the woods, it stands for “Cincinnati Public Schools,” and we know the Keanes aren’t going anywhere near that.
Tom the Sailor ManMay 12th, 2011 at 10:50 am [Reply]
JP – Forget the judge and the jumper – I want to see more of the possibly topless girl in the foreground of panel one. Just what kind of “jazz club” is this anyway? Where’s the fanservice, I asks ya?
Rocky StoneaxeMay 12th, 2011 at 10:55 am [Reply]
@Uncle Lumpy (#35):
Well, I had to look up CPS and yeah, I don’t think they’re gonna do Billy much good.
Bil and Thel’s neighbors have the number for CPS on speed dial:
http://www.texaslegalproblems.com/assets/images/photo_child_protection.jpg
markytomMay 12th, 2011 at 10:57 am [Reply]
FC: Maybe Billy went through some alien machine which tore up his clothes as it shrunk him to about one foot tall.
DanMay 12th, 2011 at 10:59 am [Reply]
I’m kind of impressed that Uhuru managed to change from pants to shorts between panels, while holding a butterfly in her hands. If she can do it while standing on the tip of a pole, she should be able to land a position with one of the better assassin’s guilds.
queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii CommandoMay 12th, 2011 at 11:00 am [Reply]
@Tagged (#39): nor anyone named Kardashian.
Ned RyersonMay 12th, 2011 at 11:02 am [Reply]
Phantom: I need a C-band uplink, gentleman. I shall also require some Grey Poupon.
MibbitmakerMay 12th, 2011 at 11:03 am [Reply]
H&J: …And the butterfly thing is NOT precious? Really?!
MW: That “let’s just be friends” break-up line would make any of its victims really angry — and she’s a pycho! Yeah, good luck with that one, doc…
Popeye: …and you three are doing WHAT about it exactly…?
Zits: Strip, you’re trying to force me to long for the annoying “Teens/parents today…” stereotyped tape loop, aren’t you?
MibbitmakerMay 12th, 2011 at 11:04 am [Reply]
FC: Well, the CPS are too busy investigating Crankshaft right now, in any case.
Little GuyMay 12th, 2011 at 11:05 am [Reply]
MW: “Unfortunately, your breasts are only this size, and I’m a man of sophisticated taste in mammarial matters.”
MT: I keep waiting to hear a speaker in the background: “John Thrasher, you are fined one Fist of Justice for violation of the Facial Follicle-Free Act.”
S. StoutMay 12th, 2011 at 11:06 am [Reply]
@Doctor Handsome (#42):
Don’t we all…don’t we all.
Maggie the CatMay 12th, 2011 at 11:07 am [Reply]
@Doctor Handsome (#42): Yeah, with erratic dashed lines throughout the route. Some long, some short, some only a dot when he’s bounced over speed bumps.
Jim NorthMay 12th, 2011 at 11:10 am [Reply]
For those wondering, CPS = Child Protective Services. The More You Knowing Is Half The Battle!
DT: Oh, Hot Rize, you little minx. You’re stealin’ my heart, baby.
FC: Well, crap. The End Times are finally here, and even the survivalists in the Keane Kompound have been hit by its harsh realities. Still, considering they actually have socks over which to deliberate . . . well, it sure makes us poor, naked, irradiated mutants outside the kompound walls look a bit naive for not believing their apocalyptic dogma and preparing ourselves while we still had a chance.
FW: “SHE DOESN’T SPEAK FOR ME! THAT IS NOT LEGALLY BINDING!”
Y’know, I just had a thought . . . what are the odds that when the filming gets underway, Les will visit the set and the woman playing Lisa will fall madly in love with him, or at least pretend to do so in order to ‘get into character’? Or if not her, then the girl playing Summer after the time jump at the end of the movie?
GT: Of course, by “hitting” they mean “shoving their heads up the opposition’s asses” and WHOA, HEY, check out that sexual harassment action going on in the third panel. Next thing you know our interim coach lady is going to be getting her girls to “lick the salty slit” for luck.
Hmm. I put those quotations marks there, and then I immediately thought, “Actually, that’s a little too straightforward to be a euphemism, now isn’t it?”
JP: “Connie says they went up for the view!” “What, he couldn’t look at her rack on ground level?”
MT: As sung to the tune of Davy Crockett: King of the Wild Frontier.
MW: Sweet mother, Drew. Your break-up delivery is so damn bad that I feel absolutely no sympathy at all for the absolute beatdown you’re about to get when you try to leave Liza’s apartment amidst all the Home Alone-style booby traps she’s planted.
Phantom: Crafty kid. He’s building an interociter.
RMMD: AUGH! LOCHER’S BACK AND HE’S WRITING REX MORGAN! SEND HELP!
S-M: Y’know, if it weren’t for the horrible writing, this might have actually been a pretty good story.
Calvin's Cardboard BoxMay 12th, 2011 at 11:11 am [Reply]
@Dan (#47):
And if she can do it while spinning around a pole, she should be able to land a coveted position on the afternoon shift at DayDreams.
Comrade DennyMay 12th, 2011 at 11:14 am [Reply]
Miss Beazley demonstrates a worker’s proper response to management’s denigration of proletarian culture.
Jeff Murdoch’s bourgeois morality prevents him from feeling happy that his mother fully human.
Garfield lays bare the the vapidity of late-stage Capitalism’s idea of “progress.”
Ted Forth remains the poster manchild for how the increasingly insecure middle class copes with the grim realities of boom-bust roller-coaster capitalism.
Finally, something for queek.
Not just any DipstickMay 12th, 2011 at 11:16 am [Reply]
Herb &.. Well that butterfly isn’t going far inside the house. Doomed to die without mating and reproducing. Pathetic.
OKStanMay 12th, 2011 at 11:17 am [Reply]
H & J: Correct me if I’m wrong, but would Herb’s kid REALLY be that specific?
“Buh-bye, winged insect!”
May 12th, 2011 at 11:19 am [Reply]
@Comrade Denny (#57): Comrade, ‘grim’ capitalism? Perhaps you haven’t visited Moscow lately (or any other Socialist dump). 100% failure rate. Perhaps you prefer Cuba. Nice place to, well, fail.
ArchieNemesisMay 12th, 2011 at 11:20 am [Reply]
FW: Geez, Les, relax! Don’t look like you just inhaled a cough drop. This movie thing will be easy. The script is already written. Just search-and-replace “The Andromeda Strain” with “Lisa’s Cancer.”
UncleJeffMay 12th, 2011 at 11:22 am [Reply]
Phantom: This is beginning to look like an updated version of “The Ransom of Red Chief” — the original “missing person who nobody missed at all.”
PozzoMay 12th, 2011 at 11:22 am [Reply]
@Comrade Denny (#57): In the second panel, Ted appears to be reliving the Han Solo fantasies of his youth.
greghousesgfMay 12th, 2011 at 11:23 am [Reply]
as a nature-loving atheist, I find a kid with a butterfly WAY cuter than a kid praying.
Pebbles36May 12th, 2011 at 11:25 am [Reply]
I’d have to say that flesh tone is going to be his greatest sock asset in the coming “final days”. Is Family Circus dude trying to convince us of the coming of The Rapture in the next week or so?
Jim NorthMay 12th, 2011 at 11:25 am [Reply]
We have to keep butterflies out of our schools!
ArchieNemesisMay 12th, 2011 at 11:27 am [Reply]
This must be Bad Artwork Week in the comics:
In today’s Spiderman, shadows don’t work that way! Also, vampires don’t work that way. And please no more of the Michael Jackson nose … sorry, it’s okay, didn’t mean to be so critical. Back to your nap.
In yesterday’s Family Circus, Dolly’s miniskirt is too short, and her leg appears to have been severed mid-thigh and crookedly reattached. Also, in today’s FC, Jeffy appears to have been dragged behind a moving vehicle, but bears no visible abrasions.
In Love Is, I can’t put my finger on it, but the naked mole rat people are somehow more infantile and creepy than ever. Let me rephrase that: I WON’T put my finger on it … because I just washed my hands.
In Crankshaft, the artist has mistakenly drawn all facial expressions on all characters as if they are suffering from major intestinal blockage. Or is that intentional?
Comrade DennyMay 12th, 2011 at 11:34 am [Reply]
@Pozzo (#63): I don’t think his Han Solo fantasies ended in youth. (Of course, given Sally’s penchant for dressing like Han Solo, Ted’s fantasies may be of an altogether different variety.)
CalicoMay 12th, 2011 at 11:40 am [Reply]
@Pozzo (#3):
Too many rats in the mattress, I guess.
May 12th, 2011 at 11:40 am [Reply]
@queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#48):
@Tagged (#39): nor anyone named Kardashian.
My PSA for today:
http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/small/0905/difference-life-time-day-safe-tv-show-cardassian-kardashian-demotivational-poster-1243694950.jpg
Mark BMay 12th, 2011 at 11:42 am [Reply]
DT: Earl just spit out his chaw! No snark, just a nice detail.
DoodMay 12th, 2011 at 11:51 am [Reply]
@Doctor Handsome (#30): COTW!
Beetle BumsteadMay 12th, 2011 at 12:07 pm [Reply]
That isn’t ketchup and boogers on Billy’s soiled and tattered clothing, Josh. That’s blood and pus.
bbofunMay 12th, 2011 at 12:09 pm [Reply]
9CL- To “prostrate” oneself is to be in a submissive position in front of another, with one’s face on the ground.
Laying down on one’s back in front of another person is more an invitation than an apology.
DoodMay 12th, 2011 at 12:10 pm [Reply]
Family Circus: Billy’s just wandered home from a visit with the kind folks over at Barney Google and Snuffy Smith. “Jedge not, mom.”
KatyMay 12th, 2011 at 12:15 pm [Reply]
I don’t follow Spider-Man all that often, because it’s full of feckless men and bullying women and I get enough of that in Beetle Bailey. But … Martine is urging Morbius to bite MJ and fulfill his vampiric destiny. Since when does biting someone make YOU a vampire? I thought biting someone made THEM a vampire.
KatyMay 12th, 2011 at 12:19 pm [Reply]
Also: Why does MJ look like she’s having an orgasm? Vampires are supposed to be sexy, but he hasn’t even walked over to her yet.
Also Also: Why is Spider-Man telegraphing his intention to save MJ? Attacks are more effective if nobody knows you’re going to do them.
Also Also Also: For someone who doesn’t follow Spider-Man, I sure came up with everyone’s names quickly, didn’t I?
ElkMeadowMay 12th, 2011 at 12:21 pm [Reply]
@ArchieNemesis (#67):
I thought it was awesome art week: The “keep a secret/dead” strip in Dick Tracy is fantastic! And I like the “Ted Forth in the sky” panel in Sally Forth. I haven’t had this much snark-free fun looking at the comics since the owl in Blondie.
ElkMeadowMay 12th, 2011 at 12:22 pm [Reply]
@UncleJeff (#62):
Doonesbury just did that story with Jeff “Red Rascal”.
cheech wizardMay 12th, 2011 at 12:23 pm [Reply]
GT – How did she make them all laugh, by giving them mescaline? Because that’s the only way I can explain the first panel.
sullyMay 12th, 2011 at 12:23 pm [Reply]
Where did Lt. Uhura capture the Donnie Darko butterfly? In the house? Or did she grab the poor thing outside, and torment it by lugging it inside, only to let it free to starve? And why does she have to be on her knees to do so? So many questions, so little sense.
pugfugglyMay 12th, 2011 at 12:25 pm [Reply]
@Voshkod (#41):
Did Herb’s daughter just restore life to a dead butterfly?
The truth of it really isn’t as impressive as that: two weeks ago she shoved a caterpillar up her nose and promptly forgot about it until today. Buh-bye little friend! Nice to have you along for the ride…
ArchieNemesisMay 12th, 2011 at 12:37 pm [Reply]
@cheech wizard (#80): I meant to include Gil Thorp in my bad art list. Why is that one chick’s head so gigantically bulbous in the first panel? What base is the chick in the second panel sliding into headfirst? (Can’t be home plate – there’s no catcher’s gear on the defender.) Why is the coach grabbing a little sumthin’ in the last panel? I give up – the task of pointing out all the half-baked artwork is giving me Les-Moore-face and I don’t want it to become permanent.
ShiaiMay 12th, 2011 at 12:42 pm [Reply]
FW: So, just as mopey Les is able to take his first tentative steps out of the all-consuming shadow of his deceased wife, his book gets optioned and now it will be LISA! LISA! LISA! all the time around the Moore house again. So it is written, so it shall be done.
P.S. Who would you cast as Les in the inevitable Lifetime Network weeper? I’d go with John Waters because…well, just because.
CalicoMay 12th, 2011 at 12:44 pm [Reply]
@Dood (#75):
So now we know who the real parents are!
“But Ma, I brought one a them’ live chickens Snuffy stole last night! Get the hatchet!”
May 12th, 2011 at 12:50 pm [Reply]
OtF: Is anyone else out there just sick to death of this strip’s stupid depicition of “virtual reality”? I managed to tolerate the whole turning-Dethany’s-avatar-into-a-cow storyline, but this virtual vacation? Feh. If the beach is the digital divide, and the ocean is bloggers, then aren’t they on the internet-less side of the divide? How are they existing? Why do I even bother to ask?
queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii CommandoMay 12th, 2011 at 12:56 pm [Reply]
@The Ridger (#86): well, there’s always the floating planks from BC as a means of communication.
ElkMeadowMay 12th, 2011 at 12:57 pm [Reply]
@Shiai (#84):
Lifetime Network? Whoa, Lisa’s Story is going Big Screen! with Waber’s Brother’s! The same studio that did Casacobana! “Here’s watching you, kiddo!” The home of the Harry Claymaker movie magic series! International marketing! Global releases that will require Les to take more personal time from teaching school to attend red carpet event even in Red Square! (Russian and Chinese. And if the Chinese don’t have one, they will get one for Les.)
And of course, modest Les wouldn’t dream of quitting his teaching job, unlike that wuss in Scotland who quit hers once she was published. He’ll be like that noble lottery winner Berna, because just as the Morgans can’t do without her, the school couldn’t survive without him–it would lose every one of its bond measures and the asbestosis would drift out of the ceiling and give everyone cancer.
Um, how could someone tell me how to do the [ * ] comment thing?
ElkMeadowMay 12th, 2011 at 12:57 pm [Reply]
Please?
Lazlo H.May 12th, 2011 at 12:58 pm [Reply]
I’m a religious man, but I’d be pretty freaked out if I walked past a room and saw my daughter kneeling in prayer for no apparent reason. I might, you know, ask her what’s up.
Little GuyMay 12th, 2011 at 12:59 pm [Reply]
FW: I’m actualy excited to see the cinematic release of “Lisa’s Story”.
For the Rifftrax commentary.
ZenoMay 12th, 2011 at 1:01 pm [Reply]
Socks? Socks don’t go with that outfit. Neither do shoes. He’s trailer-park ready without them.
Just MeMay 12th, 2011 at 1:03 pm [Reply]
FC: It’s rare that I give a Keane komplement, but I just noticed that Billy has five fingers on his hand and toes on his foot. In the four digited comic world, being able to do that, and do it well enough that it doesn’t look weird is an accomplishment. Shame about the freakishly large head, though.
Old School Allie CatMay 12th, 2011 at 1:08 pm [Reply]
@Shiai (#84): I would totally watch a movie where John Waters (or even his Doppelganger Mr. Buscemi) played Les.
My fantasy casting for present day Summer would have to be Justin Bieber, but he’d need to go a little more butch.
ElkMeadowMay 12th, 2011 at 1:08 pm [Reply]
@bbofun (#74):
Brooke did the same thing in Pibgorn a few days ago. The gag (as a joke) is non-existent. The gag (as a reflux) is very much alive.
HibbletonMay 12th, 2011 at 1:17 pm [Reply]
JP:
Angel: “Connie says they went up for the view, Bitch! . . . I’m gonna bust a cap in her cheatin’ ass!” as he reaches for his gun.
Sam: “We better get over there. . .now! or I’m gonna bust a cap in your ass!” as he reaches for his gun.
Angel (smiling): “Okay, put the gun away, but we better take a cab ’cause I just crapped my pants.”
queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii CommandoMay 12th, 2011 at 1:19 pm [Reply]
@ElkMeadow (#89): [a title="witty saying of choice"], but use the angled brackets instead of the [ ] ones. [*]
Jim NorthMay 12th, 2011 at 1:23 pm [Reply]
Over the past week or however long it’s been since Morbius and Martine got up on the roof to maybe snack on MJ, a lot of people have been wondering just how this whole “making Morbius a fo’ reals vampire” thing is supposed to work. Well lemme tell ya . . . Newspaper Spidey’s Vampires Are Different.
In fact, lots of vampires are different depending on what fictional world you’re into. Some of them sparkle, don’tcha know. And one of the ways a lot of vampires are different is in the way they transmit their vampirism to other folks. Now, for a good long time, most vamps would turn other people into vamps simply by biting them. If you got bitten once, that was it, you’re a vampire, enjoy your new unlife, bloodsucker. This put them in the same general category as movie zombies (actually ghouls, but we’ll table that particular discussion for the moment) and werewolves, who also spread their particular affliction this way.
Older versions of vampires, however – and indeed, this is something that’s been making a comeback over the years – had to go through a much more elaborate process. Usually this involved the vampire sucking the victim’s blood, then the victim sucking the vampire’s blood in return, turning victim to vampire. Like they said in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “it’s a whole big ’sucking’ thing.” In some versions, the vampire has to return to their victim and feed on them for three consecutive nights. If they aren’t stopped by the third night, then bam, you’ve got a new vampire on your hands. In this variant, the person being snacked upon also falls under the vampire’s hypnotic spell, which explains why they never run to the police and go “I’VE BEEN BIT!” after the first night. In these and all the other versions similar to them, just being fed upon by a vampire doesn’t make you a vampire . . . it just makes you lunch. And if they don’t drain you all the way, well that means you might also be reheated leftovers some other night.
Anyway, it seems that Newspaper Spidey’s vampires take this second route, meaning that Martine has been taking the long road to turning Morbius into a true vampire rather than just the living vampire he was before. A supernatural freak instead of a genetic freak, if you will. The specific route they’re taking, it would seem, is that a vampire bites their victim, putting them under the vampire’s command. The victim is sent out to drink another person’s blood, then returns with no memory of the event. This process continues until the victim turns from a fledgling vampire into the full deal, joins the vampire community, and starts shopping for clothes at S&Mart.
Now, one might say, “Pfft, what’s the point of having such a long process just to make more vampires? It should just be everyone who gets bitten by a vampire becomes a vampire, period!” Well, honestly, that’s just a little ridiculous, which is the main reason why the long-process vampires have been coming back into style. If vampires could just make other people vampires in one bite, then it would be hideously difficult for them to control the vampire population, which would lead to one of two extremely likely outcomes. Because vampires would no longer be able to keep their presence hidden because there are so damn many of them running around, they would either get driven to extinction when humans finally discovered their presence and murdered them all during the day, or they would eventually drive themselves out of extinction by eventually turning all of their available foodstock into vampires. There are many vampire tales, in fact, that deal with just those sorts of problems with the “one bite = one vampire” idea, and they generally don’t end well for the vampires. It’s fine for Zombie Apocalypses, of course, but only because zombies are mindless and don’t really know what they’re doing. Vampires, as intelligent creatures, really have to think of the future.
So yes, I know, Spidey-Mans doesn’t seem to be followed what a lot of us generally think of as “the real vampire rules”, but then neither do most vampires in general. There’s generally little point in this day and age to try and say “Vampires don’t work that way!” I’m afraid.
terrapinMay 12th, 2011 at 1:26 pm [Reply]
@Shiai (#84): Is Andy Dick still alive? I’d cast him.
ElkMeadowMay 12th, 2011 at 1:28 pm [Reply]
A “cougar” in Crankshaft? Heck, we’ve got cougars….Two of them, in my neighborhood.
“The first (sighting) was just before dark, by a resident on Choctaw Road. Later, a mile or less away, a resident near Pumice Butte and Shoshone roads said a cougar had dragged a dead deer onto their lawn.” from local news story
testing
Mr FooframMay 12th, 2011 at 1:31 pm [Reply]
@bbofun (#74): McEldowney misspelled prostate.
queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii CommandoMay 12th, 2011 at 1:32 pm [Reply]
@ElkMeadow (#100): bingo! just be sure to include the [*] so that folks know it’s there. :-D
commodorejohnMay 12th, 2011 at 1:34 pm [Reply]
It’s 5/12 today! Next power of 2 is October 24th!
6Chix – This would be funny if it weren’t so horrifyingly true. PROTIP: INFANT IMMUNE SYSTEMS DO NOT DEVELOP IN A VACUUM.
A3G – …did Margo just admit to handing out thank-you sex?
A&J – Amen!
Crankshaft – Not content with mere denigration of and condescension towards the elderly, Batiuk has decided to take the next step: portray them as dirty pedophiles! The real trick, of course, will be meshing this with the fact that Batiuk hates the young just as much as he hates the old.
Curtis – Cable providers are fucking cons, film at 11.
DT – Oh no! Howdy Doody trained at Mary Worth’s school of Martial-Arts Aphorism! RUN!!!
FW – Summer, legally binding agreement does not work that way. (Also, Summer’s crutch is quickly becoming as omnipresent as Becky’s Missing Arm.)
HTH – Hey, remember when Honi’s scale-armour dress was because she was a no-nonsense warrior type like her father, as contrasted with her brother Hamlet who humorously was not? No? Well, it really was so! Way back in the ’70s, when the strip first started and there was no Walker-Browne Amalgamated Inc., Ltd.!
Luann – So yeah, Luann is openly taunting us with the fact that none of its potential relationships will ever progress anywhere. Fuck you, Luann.
MT – Calling occupants of tiny mountaineering shacks/
Calling occupants of tiny mountaineering, social-people fearing shacks/
We are your friends…we are your friends!
MW – And that right there in panel two is the depiction of every synapse in Liza’s brain fusing into one single mass of KILL.
Monty – How did this one get started, anyway? If you really need a constant direction indicator in the wilderness, couldn’t you, y’know, use the sun? The thing that regularily traverses the sky in a westerly direction, every day? You can even work out the other directions relative to it!
Phantom – “More PB&J, mules!”
SF – OH MY GOD IS TED GOING ON A VISION QUEST
CanuckDownSouthMay 12th, 2011 at 1:36 pm [Reply]
I once went to a guy’s place for a very casual hang-out third date and was met at the door with “You know, I think we should just be friends! Do you wanna come in and watch that anime video anyhow?” – STILL better than Drew.
Chyron HRMay 12th, 2011 at 1:45 pm [Reply]
@CanuckDownSouth (#104): And then you punched him and he flew up through the roof?
ShrugMay 12th, 2011 at 1:50 pm [Reply]
@Jim North (#55):
“S-M: Y’know, if it weren’t for the horrible writing, this might have actually been a pretty good story.”
And if we had some ham we could have some ham and eggs, if we had some eggs.
ElkMeadowMay 12th, 2011 at 1:51 pm [Reply]
@queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#97):
I’m doing something wrong. I’ll try again: [*]
Maybe I got it this time? Thanks, queek!
EndOfTheWorldMay 12th, 2011 at 1:51 pm [Reply]
Before any of you entertain the notion that Les’s screenplay being optioned is an unequivocal Good Thing happening in the Funkyverse, it’s instructive to look back at Hollywood’s venerable tradition of screwing screenwriters and basically reworking scripts to make them more marketable.
So, congrats Les, on selling the script to The Fast and The Furious 6: Faster Than Cancer. You get to be played by Vin Diesel! And instead of a quiet bedside vigil, you race a Bugatti Veyron through the streets of Bangkok looking for the best oncologist in the world before time runs out! HOLD ON, BABY! THIS SUMMER, LES IS MORE! *KA-BOOOM!*
terrapinMay 12th, 2011 at 1:55 pm [Reply]
BB: Wait ’til Killer realizes there are 11 more pictures under that one.
DT: Hot Rize just put the HOT in Hot Rize.
MW: Oh Drew. You dumb ass.
RMMD: Oh Rex. You dumb ass.
KatyMay 12th, 2011 at 1:55 pm [Reply]
@Jim North (#98): You know, I read Wilkie Collins’s CARMILLA, but I didn’t even get the lesbian subtext, which was pretty much a supertext, now that I think about it. Much less any of this information that you’ve distilled.
This is good stuff. Thanks.
Calvin's Cardboard BoxMay 12th, 2011 at 1:56 pm [Reply]
@commodorejohn (#103):
Re: FW
Actually, if Becky’s Missing Arm started appearing in the strip every day, it could really liven things up. One day, it could be sticking out of a potted plant, the next it would be upright on an end table (lampshaded, of course). For a meta-gag, it could find work as a seamstress – coincidentally at the very same establishment that Becky FINALLY brings her shirts to in order to have them tailored so that she doesn’t need to roll the one sleeve up and hold it with a safety pin.
KatyMay 12th, 2011 at 1:57 pm [Reply]
@Katy (#110): Shit! I meant to say — when I read CARMILLA, I was like nine years old, so I wouldn’t have gotten *any* sexual subtext, unless it had been followed by “huh huh, huh huh huh huh,” which was two decades from being invented.
ElkMeadowMay 12th, 2011 at 1:57 pm [Reply]
Having just had my umpteenth job application have the “please sign on this page, indicating that you understand that we can fire you at anything or any or no reason at all, any time we want to,” I don’t get how Woman in Blue Smock can tell her boss what a jerk he is.
The other dumb thing is that on the last application, there was a series of personality questions, including one about when leaving, giving the employer notice of intent to quit, and then not leaving until a suitable replacement is found.
KatyMay 12th, 2011 at 1:58 pm [Reply]
@Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#111): Kind of like the pie-slice in Bizarro. But not edible. Unless you’re stuck on a rooftop with it while you’re both escaping from a flood of cancer.
DoodMay 12th, 2011 at 2:08 pm [Reply]
I’m not up on funny pages chaos theory, but are we to understand that a butterfly flapping its wings in Herb and Jamaal causes a massive explosion in the Family Circus compound?
CrankenstankMay 12th, 2011 at 2:08 pm [Reply]
Herb has happened upon the latest parental-panic-inducing teen trend, which like Rap and Crack, Disco and Coke, Heavy Metal and Heroin, Pscyhedelia and LSD, etc. before them, will cause our generation to freak out about how are kids are going to be drugged out losers: “Glee” and Butterfly Huffing.
Walker of DogMay 12th, 2011 at 2:15 pm [Reply]
GT: For fielding practice, Substitute Coach Gloria prefers to catch farts. Bare-handed.
FW: Missing panel 1.5: Lots of phone sex, with Les shouting out “Yes! Yes! Lisa! Yes! Cancer!”
JP: The smugification of Angel is proceeding on schedule.
Phan: “Also, just a reminder – you need to decide who’s going to wipe by butt.”
S-M: Mary Jane is so high. “Vampiric immortality. Heh-heh. You’re so funny. And your outfit is awesome!”
– And is that Peter’s shadow on the wall? Is he making his “grrr” face? Granted it doesn’t look a thing like him, but at least the position isn’t totally impossible.
MW: Wow! I guess Drew has a bus to catch or something. But he’s not totally inconsiderate; he will leave a card on Liza’s coffee table that says “It’s not you. It’s me.”
9CL: Seth, that’s a look of concentration, not pleasure. Fernanda is measuring the distance from her foot to your crotch.
LiamMay 12th, 2011 at 2:17 pm [Reply]
FC-Billy, if you want your parents taken away then I recommend no socks or shoes.
Vince MMay 12th, 2011 at 2:18 pm [Reply]
ZtP: I’m afraid to ask, but is there a hypothermic Luke Skywalker inside that thing?
Uncle LumpyMay 12th, 2011 at 2:23 pm [Reply]
@ElkMeadow (#107):
Try it this way: [*].
Should look and work like this: [*].
LiamMay 12th, 2011 at 2:26 pm [Reply]
MW-Watch the hijinks ensue as a now depressed Liza lets patients in the hospital die.
Little GuyMay 12th, 2011 at 2:26 pm [Reply]
@Uncle Lumpy (#120): Thank you, Uncle Lumpy [*].
!
May 12th, 2011 at 2:30 pm [Reply]
FC – I’d say Billy needs to worry less about his socks and more about whether Barfy had all his shots this year.
Uncle LumpyMay 12th, 2011 at 2:30 pm [Reply]
Lisa’s Story seems a natural for Claymation®. Avoids the whole “end of career” thing for the cast.
TheDivaMay 12th, 2011 at 2:30 pm [Reply]
@Jim North (#98): Indeed if memory serves, both the “feeding over a period of time” and “mutual blood-sucking” concepts show up in Dracula, so if nothing else Martine’s long-term technique has a pretty high precedent.
Still doesn’t explain why vampires (be they supernatural or mutated) feel compelled to dress like backup dancers for a hair metal band, though….
Frank Lee MeidereMay 12th, 2011 at 2:30 pm [Reply]
@Little Guy (#122): [*]
pugfugglyMay 12th, 2011 at 2:38 pm [Reply]
@TheDiva (#125):
Still doesn’t explain why vampires (be they supernatural or mutated) feel compelled to dress like backup dancers for a hair metal band, though….
Most of them don’t, except for Vampire Pride day…er, night.
kanomiMay 12th, 2011 at 2:55 pm [Reply]
Shoe: Avian Escort service customer notes – client is known as “The Perfesser”, steps on toes, eschews pants publicly.
Mary Worth: FINAL SCORE – Drew’s trusty Pumpkin orange-with-electric blue tie break-up ensemble, 1; gobsmacked Nurse Liza, 0.
Funky: “Great, M. Night Shyamalyn is helming. We’ve got Keanu Reeves as the middle-aged, Midwestern pizza cook with delusions of grandeur, and Denise Richards as Lisa, the living-dead succubus only he can see.
“Shaquille O’Neal will reprise his role as Kazaam, the basketball-playing genie. Together, they will save Montoni’s pizza joint in a breakdancing competition.”
Pseudo3DMay 12th, 2011 at 2:57 pm [Reply]
@Jim North (#98): Yes, but you are fitting the even older vampire/Dracula stereotype: lots of makeup, combed hair, cape, vest, and tap-dancing shoes. These vampires are flamboyant, to say the least.
queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii CommandoMay 12th, 2011 at 2:59 pm [Reply]
@ElkMeadow (#107): glad to help. HTML savvy ‘mudges taught me the trick, so happy to pass it along. :-)
RandalllMay 12th, 2011 at 3:03 pm [Reply]
Luann: Everyone in Luann wears black. Are they all emo or goth or something?
ShrugMay 12th, 2011 at 3:08 pm [Reply]
@commodorejohn (#103):
“So yeah, Luann is openly taunting us with the fact that none of its potential relationships will ever progress anywhere.”
You bet — Aaron Hill was so desperate to get away from her that he lied about moving to Hawaii, whereas he’s actually living in Toronto and playing second base for the Blue Jays.
ShrugMay 12th, 2011 at 3:14 pm [Reply]
@Katy (#110):
“You know, I read Wilkie Collins’s CARMILLA, but I didn’t even get the lesbian subtext. . .”
Or the author’s name… as it’s by J. Sheridan LeFanu. (Insert “vampire smiley face” icon here.)
mollificentMay 12th, 2011 at 3:15 pm [Reply]
@Little Guy (#91): oh HELL yes.
EvanMay 12th, 2011 at 3:15 pm [Reply]
I read Herb and Jamaal and thought “is this some kind of a joke?!?
Coz if it is I don’t get it.
ElkMeadowMay 12th, 2011 at 3:16 pm [Reply]
@Randalll (#131):
Luann’s dad and Gunther both wear plaid. Bernice does too, once in a while. Most of the women wear white pants, for the nifty camel toe effect.
Comrade DennyMay 12th, 2011 at 3:16 pm [Reply]
@Pozzo (#63): Woops! Forgot to add my disclaimer: “*Communism for entertainment purposes only. Do not attempt in your nation-state.”
cheech wizardMay 12th, 2011 at 3:18 pm [Reply]
MW – Liza was right! They are going to be doing a lot more than just talking tonight. She’s going to be hurling vases and dishware, and he’s going to be doing a lot of ducking. Possibly bleeding as well.
KatyMay 12th, 2011 at 3:21 pm [Reply]
@Shrug (#133): I’m just going to curl up in the corner now and die. ‘Scuse me for a second.
queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii CommandoMay 12th, 2011 at 3:27 pm [Reply]
@Shrug (#132): “he’s actually living in Toronto and playing second base for the Blue Jays”
poorly, at that. ;-)
Bill ThompsonMay 12th, 2011 at 3:34 pm [Reply]
@Jim North (#98): You’ve nailed Spiderman’s real problem with the Vampire Rules: intelligence. Martine knocked Spiderman into the middle of next week (okay, just until yesterday) and she didn’t have enough sense to make sure he’d stay out. Yesterday he was in-panel with her, and in front of her, yet she ignored him as he woke up. Martine also took it for granted that nobody would come looking for M-J, and she can’t sell Morbius on the advantages of being a vampire.
Okay, this is consistent with Spiderman Rule #1: All the characters are idiots.
Comrade DennyMay 12th, 2011 at 3:35 pm [Reply]
@Comrade Denny (#137): Derp! Should have been in response to @Not just any Dipstick (#60), not Pozzo. Not that it matters.
Uncle LumpyMay 12th, 2011 at 3:38 pm [Reply]
@Shrug (#132):
… actually living in Toronto and playing second base for the Blue Jays.
Aaron Hill never got to second base. The idea that Luann has “bases” is itself baseless.
Randrew CoxMay 12th, 2011 at 3:40 pm [Reply]
Bullet holes from when that shirt and jeans belonged to his murdered older brother they don’t talk about.
[Old Man] MuffarooMay 12th, 2011 at 3:42 pm [Reply]
@Doctor Handsome (#42): I hope Sunday’s Family Circus shows the dashed-line route by which Billy walked home, including the seven miles where he was dragged under a bus. I really hope that.
Ah, that’s the Sunday strip I used to want to draw. The first panel shows the dotted line where Billy was lured into an alley, into a van, molested a while, beaten, kicked out into the street, he crawls a bit, here’s where Barfy thought he wanted to play. Panel two is just Jeffy walking into the house, saying, “Billy’s not movin’!”
@Tom the Sailor Man (#44): I want to see more of the possibly topless girl in the foreground of panel one. Just what kind of “jazz club” is this anyway?
Obviously one that knows the original meaning of “to jazz.”
@bbofun (#74): To “prostrate” oneself is to be in a submissive position in front of another, with one’s face on the ground.
Laying down on one’s back in front of another person is more an invitation than an apology.
He’s not prone to apologize. [*]
@Katy (#76): Since when does biting someone make YOU a vampire? I thought biting someone made THEM a vampire.
Stan’s minting new mythology as he goes along. If Morbius sees his shadow, we’ll have six more weeks of bickering on the roof.
@Uncle Lumpy (#120): I like my way better, with “a title” and all before the comment, so that the whole comment is hovertext. Originally, the whole comment was visibly hovertext, and the bracketed asterisk was just a way of indicating it after the platform stopped showing hovertext differently. I don’t like having to aim square at the center of the asterisk!
Écureuil ÉcumantMay 12th, 2011 at 3:43 pm [Reply]
H&J:
She wants to hear
The scream
of the butterfly.
May 12th, 2011 at 3:49 pm [Reply]
@Comcis Fan (#28): In previous strips, Dagwood sat in the tub with his back to the door. Since he is facing the door this time, his back is presumably to the tub’s faucets. Which suggests his activity is even kinkier than you may have thought.
ShrugMay 12th, 2011 at 3:55 pm [Reply]
@Phred22 (#147):
“In previous strips, Dagwood sat in the tub with his back to the door. Since he is facing the door this time, his back is presumably to the tub’s faucets. Which suggests his activity is even kinkier than you may have thought.”
I assumed the plumber just walked into the wrong door into the CORALINE Other World, and this is The Other Dagwood. (Instead of button eyes, he probably has pepperoni eyes.)
AustriaMay 12th, 2011 at 4:05 pm [Reply]
@ArchieNemesis (#61): Breast cancer spreads through the air and turns everyone’s breasts into powder.
FW: Enter Specialest Snowflake #2, here to keep the story running along! You know, cause she can’t run physically.
Luann: Oh, so Quill is my roommate’s ex, then. You two are both infuriating. Please just stop.
MW: Liza’s shocked expression is the best thing on the comics page today, by far.
Rocky StoneaxeMay 12th, 2011 at 4:05 pm [Reply]
@Katy (#76):
Since when does biting someone make YOU a vampire? I thought biting someone made THEM a vampire.
Does this count as biting? (First photo!)
http://scottbarsotti.wordpress.com/2011/01/16/carmilla-opens/
CalicoMay 12th, 2011 at 4:14 pm [Reply]
@Shiai (#84):
Hmmmm…John Lithgow would be a choice of mine, given that he starred in a cancer-based movie and all that.
May 12th, 2011 at 4:15 pm [Reply]
@Rocky Stoneaxe (#150): I have never seen one of Scott Barsotti’s plays, but he clearly kicks all the booty available for miles around.
Uncle LumpyMay 12th, 2011 at 4:38 pm [Reply]
@[Old Man] Muffaroo (#145):
He’s not prone to apologize.
He’s supining for the fjords.
CloudbusterMay 12th, 2011 at 4:40 pm [Reply]
@nerowolfgal (#10): I thought everyone knew that “Lets be friends.” is dump code for “Never want to see you again.”
Jim NorthMay 12th, 2011 at 4:47 pm [Reply]
@Shrug (#148): I just imagined that. Almost wish I hadn’t. And yet as creepy as the mental image was, if they actually introduced a crossover like that, I’d probably start enjoying Blondie a hell of a lot more.
Artist formerly known as BenMay 12th, 2011 at 4:53 pm [Reply]
H&J: Herb and Sarah won’t really suspect anything is up until the head of the giant swallowtail statue Uhuru builds protrudes into their bedroom.
DtM: Henry and Alice dutufully pitched in with “How fat is he?” and they listened to Dennis’ stupid punchline. Now they’re hoping he’ll go play in traffic with Joey before the ED treatment ad is over.
Popeye: Here’s a switch. Popeye turned into a Goon snuff film so abruptly that we couldn’t help but notice.
Luann: I look forward to Quill’s last day in town, when he finally reveals that he’s from Indiana and he just faked the accent after a few viewings of his mom’s Crocodile Dundee DVD.
HtH: “Jeez, ma, you mean you’ve been letting me make a fool of myself for the past 50 years?”
H&L: From the look on Dot’s face, Ditto should worry less about what kind of tea they’re having and more about whether the chocolate chips are really diced bits of Ex-Lax.
MW: Cover your ears, Doc. Liza’s doing her impression of Munch’s The Scream.
Crock: “How are you going to spend your winnings?” “Well, I intend to blow all the money by making an obvious point about gas prices. Were you expecting something else?”
6C: So which scarlet letter will be sewn onto Sara’s coat? M for “mildly bad hygiene”?
Blondie: It’s fitting that this one is published while we still have nescio’s quote about bad taste in gay porn up top.
CloudbusterMay 12th, 2011 at 5:00 pm [Reply]
@Old School Allie Cat (#94): Waters and Buscemi are too cool to play Les. They might actually impart some coolness by association. Who is the most annoying sad-sack, nutless actor ever? Someone like an older Michael Cera…. whoa, I know! Robin Williams or Tom Hanks! Either one could nail that role.
cheech wizardMay 12th, 2011 at 5:07 pm [Reply]
@Uncle Lumpy (#143): I always thought Aaron Hill was a switch-hitter? That’s why Luann never got anywhere with him. Or maybe he just had good sense.
Old School Allie CatMay 12th, 2011 at 5:20 pm [Reply]
@Cloudbuster (#157): I’ll see your Robin Williams and raise you a Scott Baio. He would need to get pasty, but that could be fixed with makeup.
DaggerMay 12th, 2011 at 5:29 pm [Reply]
I wonder how long Billy’s had that limp, and why he isn’t asking, “Mommy, what should I do about this boo boo from the rusty nail that smells like sadness and death?”
Effluvius ErratusMay 12th, 2011 at 5:31 pm [Reply]
@Cloudbuster (#157): If you want to capture the “what the fuck does she see in this jerk>” vibe, I say you can’t been Tom Cruise at his most self-consciously douchey.
Peanut GalleryMay 12th, 2011 at 6:16 pm [Reply]
@commodorejohn (#103):
It’s 5/12 today! Next power of 2 is October 24th!
Considering your moniker, shouldn’t you be more excited about June 4th?
commodorejohnMay 12th, 2011 at 6:26 pm [Reply]
@Peanut Gallery (#162): Oh, right you are! I was thinking of strict numerical sequence, but that stopped when I realized that 10/24 is the largest power of two in the year…
VioletMay 12th, 2011 at 6:29 pm [Reply]
Drew has a pretty original approach, I’ll give him that. None of this cop-out “it’s not you, it’s me” or “right now I’m just not ready for…” bullshit for Dr. Corey. Instead he’s all “I think you and I are looking for the same thing, Liza, to meet our soul mate and fall deeply in love and spend the rest of our lives in matrimonial bliss. It’s uncanny, really, how much we want the same thing! I just don’t want it with you, cause I don’t like you. I’m glad we had this talk. By the way, do you have any hot single friends? I’m so tired of being alone.”
nescioMay 12th, 2011 at 6:39 pm [Reply]
@Artist formerly known as Ben (#156): Ha! I didn’t recognize that in today’s Blondie, but you’re right!
Uncle LumpyMay 12th, 2011 at 6:56 pm [Reply]
Mary Worth — Hey, maybe Liza’s the nurse who got stuck managing the Hospital Volunteer program? And she starts making Mary’s life hell after she sees her talking to Doc Drew? And Mary just takes her abuse ’cause she’s afraid to shut down a crazy stalker out of guilt over what happened last time? And somebody remind me again what universe am I living in?
Uncle LumpyMay 12th, 2011 at 6:57 pm [Reply]
Oh, this one! Crap.
queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii CommandoMay 12th, 2011 at 7:14 pm [Reply]
@Uncle Lumpy (#167): I keep trying to drink myself to the one where Gore won, but have not been successful as of yet.
wossnameMay 12th, 2011 at 7:39 pm [Reply]
@queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#168): Where’s that damn “like” button? Gotta be here someplace…
Black DrazonMay 12th, 2011 at 8:42 pm [Reply]
Aww! Herb thinks his daughter is pious, while in actuality she’s going to hell! #apparentlythatsthejoke
queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii CommandoMay 12th, 2011 at 9:02 pm [Reply]
@wossname (#169): d’awwwww.
*iz liked*
Fashion PoliceMay 12th, 2011 at 9:03 pm [Reply]
@Shrug (#132):
Were we sentenced to life in the Luanniverse we would wear black too.
May 12th, 2011 at 9:03 pm [Reply]
@oakley sunglasses (#171): I spam my sunglasses at night. . . .
KILL IT!
The RidgerMay 12th, 2011 at 9:04 pm [Reply]
Wow, Josh! The quality of your posting is forcing Oakley Sunglasses out of their usual behavior time and time again. You should feel proud.
Red GreenbackMay 12th, 2011 at 9:19 pm [Reply]
Dear spam at #171. Yeah, right!
[Old Man] MuffarooMay 12th, 2011 at 9:27 pm [Reply]
I’m just tickled that the powers that be have never realized that all my comments here are merely clever hints at the reader to buy only [Old Man] MUFFAROO BRAND™ Butt Itch Lotion! Now in the extra-large tube with the extra-small nozzle! “In my house, it’s Muffaroo™… or Nothing!”
Rocky StoneaxeMay 12th, 2011 at 9:33 pm [Reply]
@oakley sunglasses (#171):
You know who else wore Oakley Sunglasses?
http://cdn2.iofferphoto.com/img/item/720/350/61/B3d7cgsvAP3kP8v.jpg
chisteryMay 12th, 2011 at 9:37 pm [Reply]
@Cloudbuster (#157): @Old School Allie Cat (#159): Good choices. My vote goes to Kevin Klein, the douchiest, smuggest, most hittable-in-the-face-with-a-brick actor going. Alan Alda, back in the day, would be even better; he invented the Winkerverse smirk.
Pseudo3DMay 12th, 2011 at 9:51 pm [Reply]
Did anybody else notice in Blondie Dagwood reaching down to cover his crotch when the plumber walks in?
Rocky StoneaxeMay 12th, 2011 at 9:55 pm [Reply]
@[Old Man] Muffaroo (#177):
I’m just tickled that the powers that be have never realized that all my comments here are merely clever hints at the reader to buy only [Old Man] MUFFAROO BRAND™ Butt Itch Lotion!
Delivered by the Verbeek Trucking Company no doubt!
http://www3.picturepush.com/photo/a/3940691/480/Assen/2006-Scania-R620-S.Verbeek-%28NL%29.jpg?v0
Old School Allie CatMay 12th, 2011 at 9:56 pm [Reply]
@chistery (#179): So, I have to laugh at Alan Alda. I’m doing Weight Watchers right now, and for about a month, we had a guy at the meetings who was a dead ringer for him. And he was always making really douchey obvious comments like “Really, it’s just eating less and exercising more – that’s what works!”
And all I could think was, “Shut your damn mouth, Hawkeye and let the leader do her job.”
What a douche!
Scott BotMay 12th, 2011 at 10:15 pm [Reply]
Luann – ‘We free our emotions, fall madly in love and never want to part.’ Luann, you’re fucking fifteen years old. What, you think you’re gonna marry this dude (although I do like the fact that he is already planning an exit strategy)?
MT – CAN YOU HEAR ME?
***rifle shot***
OK, I’LL TAKE THAT AS A ‘YES’.
May 12th, 2011 at 10:34 pm [Reply]
I saw the Dark Shadows movie last night, and it was high caliber compared to Newspaper Spidey. Now how’s that for damning with faint praise!
commodorejohnMay 12th, 2011 at 10:36 pm [Reply]
@Scott Bot (#183): If you lived in moderate proximity to Luann, you’d have an exit strategy too. Or possibly a dozen of them.
Rocky StoneaxeMay 12th, 2011 at 10:40 pm [Reply]
@Old School Allie Cat (#182):
And all I could think was, “Shut your damn mouth, Hawkeye and let the leader do her job.”
What a douche!
Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental:
http://www.latimes.com/media/photo/2010-01/51457075.jpg
CyrithMay 12th, 2011 at 10:48 pm [Reply]
Herb named his daughter after a Star Trek character. She’s known for a while there is no just and loving god.
Artist formerly known as BenMay 12th, 2011 at 11:03 pm [Reply]
@Jim North (#55):
Y’know, I just had a thought . . . what are the odds that when the filming gets underway, Les will visit the set and the woman playing Lisa will fall madly in love with him, or at least pretend to do so in order to ‘get into character’? Or if not her, then the girl playing Summer after the time jump at the end of the movie?
Aaargh! Instant migraine! My eyes are gonna pop out!
Sgt. StonedMay 12th, 2011 at 11:07 pm [Reply]
MT: Um, Mark. That’s a dog you’re with. And, granting that he is most likely more intelligent than you are, he still doesn’t count as a person, as in part of “we”.
MW: I do hope that Drew had the good sense to get in one last shag before lowering the boom on Liza.
PoteetMay 12th, 2011 at 11:22 pm [Reply]
H & J — The delicate scales on butterfly wings do not benefit from being pressed between a child’s sweaty little hands. Buh-bye indeed.
PoteetMay 12th, 2011 at 11:28 pm [Reply]
MT — “…Or he could be miles from here! But who cares, really? We’ll just keep wandering around in the mountains together and yelling until we find him, right? Even if it takes a few months, right? Right, Andy? Hey, where are you going?”
Baka GaijinMay 13th, 2011 at 12:00 am [Reply]
@Dagger (#160): “Mommy, what should I do about this boo boo from the rusty nail that smells like sadness and death?” You win. Totally.
Taking that idea further, the inevitable cologne from Les Moore, Westview, smells like sadness and death. Or toaster tooties. I get them mixed up sometimes.
Bill ThompsonMay 13th, 2011 at 12:22 am [Reply]
Phantom: Whoever called it about the kid bamboozling the Three Stooges: Wow.
Now, how much of an adventure can you have when the bad guys are idiots?
MT: Trail is walking back to his camp when Andy falls into the latest trap. How did they miss that trap on the way out?
FW: What happened to Cayla? Shouldn’t Louse include the GF in a big decision? Or has he figured out that any woman who’ll have sex with him has questionable judgement?
SM: Morbius says he doesn’t want to destroy Spiderman. It’s not like he poses much threat in that department. Meanwhile, LOOK OUT, SPIDEY! Martine is out of frame and your spider-sense isn’t tingling!
ElkMeadowMay 13th, 2011 at 12:30 am [Reply]
Well, haven’t seen Dingo for a bit, hope all is okay. And did you get the job, Rocky?
Meanwhile, back in the Alternate Reality That Is Not Ted Forth’s or Verne The Turtle:
Whoa! Riley looks like the late actor, Don Knotts? Don Knotts? Rex to the rescue! Put down that safe, Riley. Just don’t drop it on your toes.
And for a realllllyyyy Alternate Reality, Liza really, really doesn’t get it.
ElkMeadowMay 13th, 2011 at 12:34 am [Reply]
For anyone who would like to see some sort of spider action (as we aren’t seeing it at SM), may I present Mascarita, who was in Portland, OR for the local Lucha Libre?
http://www.oregonlive.com/interact/index.ssf/2011/05/lucha_libre_in_portland_and_a.html
ElkMeadowMay 13th, 2011 at 12:58 am [Reply]
Did Morbius go to the same nose doctor that Voldemort went to? Maybe someone ought to look into his license.
ElkMeadowMay 13th, 2011 at 1:03 am [Reply]
@Cyrith (#187):
Herb let the grandmother–a Bible-thumping Trekkie–pick out the names of his kids–the brother is name Elijah, as in the prophet who went to heaven in a chariot of fire!
ElkMeadowMay 13th, 2011 at 1:04 am [Reply]
Yep, that’s the fun of being on the west coast, among the last to post, monopolizing the board, pre-jump!
KarMannMay 13th, 2011 at 1:07 am [Reply]
I think Liza’s flying through the clouds now with Ted Forth.
Walker of DogMay 13th, 2011 at 1:13 am [Reply]
GT: With Milford leading Central 3-1, Molly Kinsella works her lights-out magic and finishes off the hated Centrallians. Final score: Milford 3, Central 0. Now that’s a closer!
An additional feather in her cap: unlike Derek, Molly isn’t trying to date her coach.
Maggie the CatMay 13th, 2011 at 1:19 am [Reply]
Whew! Thank goodness the safecracker is weak and feeble looking. June should have no problem avenging Rex’s major ass kicking.
Maggie the CatMay 13th, 2011 at 1:21 am [Reply]
MW- That loony bitch just can’t take a hint!
Maggie the CatMay 13th, 2011 at 1:29 am [Reply]
Since no one else will say it, I will: Summer Moore, shut the fuck up.
Maggie the CatMay 13th, 2011 at 1:37 am [Reply]
In tomorrow’s strip Mark will find loyal ol’ Andy lifeless in a pit trap, impaled by multiple sharpened twigs… doubtless the handiwork of John Fucking Thrasher, unstable veteran at large. Nevertheless, Mark will continue with shouting his inner dialogue with dead-Andy and anyone else who may be within earshot.
daleMay 13th, 2011 at 1:45 am [Reply]
Mark Trail
Unless John has deserted, he doesn’t have any reason to set man-traps.
The burglary boys live in town.
There must be a third set of players: pot-growing, poaching smugglers.
For rough country, the place has convenient well-kept hiking paths.
PoteetMay 13th, 2011 at 1:51 am [Reply]
@dale (#205): Yeah, amazingly well-kept hiking paths and numerous booby traps. And boobies.
PoteetMay 13th, 2011 at 1:53 am [Reply]
5/13
ZITS — Eeww!
CRANKSHAFT — Eeww!
A3G — Eeww!
May 13th, 2011 at 2:35 am [Reply]
MW: IRL, Dr. Drew would have wussed out / succumbed to temptation, tabled the break-up, and shagged her. Then he would have had an even sterner tie-tying-mirror-talking-pep-talk the next night and tried again. But this is Mary Worth, so of course he delivers the lamest breakup speech ever, cementing his position in this storyline as “the good guy.” All I gotta say is Liza’s impending meltdown better be damn good. I will not be satisfied with 200 more text messages and a couple of neglected patients.
This GuyMay 13th, 2011 at 2:45 am [Reply]
@ElkMeadow (#196): Pshaw. If the grandma were a real Trekkie, she would’ve picked “Uhura,” not “Uhuru.” And would’ve known that Uhura was Lt. Nyota Uhura’s surname in any case. TREKKIE’D!
Not long ago, Mike Judge had a very short-lived animated series on Fox after King of the Hill went off the air. The ultra-liberal, hippie-dippy white family had an adopted African–more specifically, Afrikaaner–son whom they named “Ubuntu.”
May 13th, 2011 at 3:52 am [Reply]
@This Guy (#208): Well, it’s better than being named “Red Hat”!
Mr. O'MalleyMay 13th, 2011 at 3:58 am [Reply]
@commodorejohn (#163): Oh you lucky Americans, the rest of the world has to get by with just 12 August, 25 June and 5 December.
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Carl Barks FanMay 13th, 2011 at 6:01 am [Reply]
@Poteet (#205): MT: As I mentioned last week, the idiot and his dog are in the middle of hundreds of miles of “wilderness.” So what’s the odds that he is going to walk into a trip wire? How likely is it that Andy will fall into a pit?
As we used to say in The Bronx, what shit.
Carl Barks FanMay 13th, 2011 at 6:02 am [Reply]
211: Looks like spam to me.
John C FremontMay 13th, 2011 at 6:13 am [Reply]
@Effluvius Erratus (#y85): Oh, you called it! Punji sticks! Punji sticks! (Sorry, Andy old boy.)
@Maggie the Cat (#202): From all of us, thank you!!
MW – You know, I’m beginning to think Liza just has a bad toothache.
RMMD – “You’ve got to nip it in the bud, Andy!”
I object to Berna calling Don Knotts “the late actor.” He had a reputation for being punctual. Plus, he killed him a bar when he was only three.
Pluggers – “O Tennenhouse, O Tennenhouse…”
Bill ThompsonMay 13th, 2011 at 6:20 am [Reply]
@Poteet (#205): Maybe Myson John deliberately left a trail of moccasin prints for some idiot to follow. MT got a bad case of target fixation and didn’t notice the trip line.
Fashion PoliceMay 13th, 2011 at 6:22 am [Reply]
You’re going to cry, Mrs. Powers? You’re supposed to be the one who likes ruffly pink.
On the other hand, seeing a clever 13-year-old college student keep his school uniform jacket buttoned up and his necktie in place at all times makes us feel proud. Civilization lingers, even amidst thieves and hoodlums. Perhaps the lad will be president of Bangalla someday.
teenchyMay 13th, 2011 at 6:32 am [Reply]
FW: Coming to a theater near you: Doctor Tongue’s 3-D House of Cancer.
Chyron HRMay 13th, 2011 at 6:41 am [Reply]
@cheap shoes (#211): “FUCK YOU, Baltimore! Buy CHEAP SHOES! Nike, Addidas, Converse… you can SHOVE THEM UP YOUR UGLY ASS!”
Jocelyn KnockersburyMay 13th, 2011 at 6:42 am [Reply]
Forty years ago, Batiuk turned this short story in for 7th grade English: “Lisa was this high school chick who was having sex and stuff and got like an abortion and it was rough, then when she grew up she got cancer and was like cured, right? But then the doctors made this totally bad mistake and she died anyway, so then her husband Les wrote a book about it and was seriously sad for years and years and she kind of haunted him a little, but not much. Finally after a while he had like a million chicks hanging off him, especially this one chick but also another one. Sex scene! Then his book is made into a movie and he makes like tons of money, and maybe the lady who plays his dead wife is super hot like Raquel Welch and she totally falls for him (another sex scene!) but then dies in a plane crash and he is sad again, but this time Raquel Welch doesn’t haunt him, so he’s not as sad and eventually it’s okay. The end.”
gleebMay 13th, 2011 at 6:59 am [Reply]
Dick: The shame! The shame of…liking biscuits? Or is it just that Tracy and Liz have no one in their lives who would care if they were snuffed, and Sam feels the burden of his great blessing?
FC: Even the highest wall cannot keep Death out of the Keane Kompound.
Gil: Well, that last panel shows signs of hasty editing. The speech is abiguous, but makes it seem as if Coach is being invited to hear the band, yet Slim is still staring right at Gil’s firm, manly keister.
Mark: Oh, no! Andy’s going to be forced to marry the King of the Mole men!
gleebMay 13th, 2011 at 7:01 am [Reply]
@Chyron HR (#218): I live in Baltimore, sir, and I shove only the finest-looking shoes up my ass, I’ll have you know.
Écureuil ÉcumantMay 13th, 2011 at 7:29 am [Reply]
@gleeb (#221): Yeah, you and Imelda Marcos.
Rocky StoneaxeMay 13th, 2011 at 7:40 am [Reply]
@cheap shoes (#211):
Thumbs up
Cheap Shoes to wear with Cheap Suits:
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One-Eyed WolfdogMay 13th, 2011 at 7:51 am [Reply]
Today’s Beetle Bailey is brought to you by the Booze Council, because booze really satisfies.
JD RhoadesMay 13th, 2011 at 7:57 am [Reply]
FW: So Les gets a call saying his book might be optioned for the movies and he’ll “have to think about it”?
As someone who’s actually had books published on Planet Earth, all I can say is: AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGH!
MooncattieMay 13th, 2011 at 7:57 am [Reply]
A3G – MEMO TO ARTIST: There will be NO tears, do you hear me? NONE. That’s an extra ink that we cannot budget for during these difficult times. And we expect their expressions to remain identical for the Saturday edition, if you know what’s good for you.
MW – Dr. Drew is right to react with such confusion. Why aren’t women in America more like the ones at Vietnam’s Peace Village, especially that Dutch surgeon with the teeth, who wave off his break-up speeches with a cheery “Suit yourself, Asshole”?
RMMD – It all makes sense now. Rex didn’t want any nosy police officers messing with his secret “Stella On Don Knotts Action” fetish.
queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii CommandoMay 13th, 2011 at 8:03 am [Reply]
Pluggers: you know what would really have made this one good? (bear with me, it is theoretically possible, even for Pluggers.) If the couple in the boat were Claude Manx and an owl plugger lady. Owl and Pussycat.
A&J: true DAT!
Bizarro: heh. nice take on a classic.
Jumble: “aslowha”?
PBS: “me got lot of kumquats” is going to be difficult to work into my daily conversation, but it was a ROFL moment. I love the crocs.
RwO: heh. guest-puns.
6Cx: guest-starring bourbon babe. (you look taller in art. . . )
Zits: ew.
Rocky StoneaxeMay 13th, 2011 at 8:15 am [Reply]
@ElkMeadow (#193):
Thank you for thinking of me, but it’s Jim North who mentioned his job interview. The company said it would probably/definitely hire him… eventually. (Thread before last)
Vince MMay 13th, 2011 at 8:18 am [Reply]
@Old School Allie Cat (#181): Alan Alda has gotten a lot of good will with me playing intentionally nasty characters in his Woody Allen movies and ‘The Aviator’ – I’d hate to see him cancel that all out playing Les. Think Hawkeye at his most smug and narmy times 10? Brrr…
TheMagicMelMay 13th, 2011 at 8:26 am [Reply]
…And so daughter of dead mother jokes about seeing the story of her mother’s death made. In 3D. A movie about BREAST CANCER in 3D.
queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii CommandoMay 13th, 2011 at 8:39 am [Reply]
doggie needs tophat.
Xenia explains sex-dependent armor-class. (PG-13)
bebeh raccoons.
white sugar.
distinguished otter is distinguished.
tree corgi cuter than tree crocs, but just as derpy.
Effluvius ErratusMay 13th, 2011 at 8:39 am [Reply]
@John C Fremont (#214): Not Andy!
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