"All hail Martine! Plumber's apprentice to Dracula!" --Artist formerly known as Ben
Main navigation: Advertise Discussion Forum About Twitter RSS Feed Search: Main content: « Which side were the Hatfields and McCoys on in the Battle of Vouillé? CPS can’t save you now, Billy » Dr. Drew’s dump-o-ramaMary Worth, 5/11/11
Oh, Dr. Drew, it looks like your lady-dumping technique still needs work! The bored florist may have convinced you that this sad, overpriced mishmosh he threw together quickly is a genuine “Let’s Just Be Friends® Bouquet,” but I think any lady who sees you show up at your door with flowers in your hands is going to find some mixed messages in your breakup speech.
But! Not to worry, folks: Liza is sure that she and Drew are going to do more than talk tonight! Assuming that she doesn’t have an extended game of charades planned, that means that she likes nonmarital nonprocreative sex, like Charley, which in the world of Mary Worth makes her one of history’s greatest monsters, whose feelings need not be taken into account.
Hi and Lois, 5/11/11
This would be just another lame Hi and Lois strip among so, so many if not for Trixie’s gobsmacked expression as she crawls away from her bickering siblings. She’s not commenting wryly on their contentious ways; she’s suffering visibly from the free-floating anger in the house that she encounters whenever she leaves her “safe space” in front of the living room window, where she is generally blessedly ignored.
Spider-Man, 5/11/11
“Their banter … is giving me reason … to live again … so witty … almost like … watching TV…”
This entry was posted on Wednesday, May 11, 2011 at 08:51 am and is filed under Hi and Lois, Mary Worth, Spider-Man. | 254 responses to “Dr. Drew’s dump-o-rama” RitaMay 11th, 2011 at 8:56 am [Reply]
aggggggg after 10000 years im free
150May 11th, 2011 at 8:57 am [Reply]
“If only–they’ll just…keep talking…” is not something I have ever thought while reading Spider-Man, ever.
yellojktMay 11th, 2011 at 8:57 am [Reply]
Pre-break-up sex is even more fantastic when only one partner realizes that that is what it is.
KarMannMay 11th, 2011 at 8:58 am [Reply]
@queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#Y279):
standard snarpologies, and count-down to thread death.
Well played!
Now, I’m just itching for a look to see what kind of art Liza has decorating the walls in her dwelling there.
AndieMay 11th, 2011 at 8:58 am [Reply]
Liza’s got her “gettin’ bizz-ay” purple tank top on.. Drew will be helpless to it’s.. undeniable.. magnetic.. aww screw it. Liza’s gettin’ her ass DUMPED.
PatrickMay 11th, 2011 at 9:00 am [Reply]
Dave Navarro is really slumming it by showing up in Panel 1 of Spider-Man.
Rocky StoneaxeMay 11th, 2011 at 9:05 am [Reply]
5-11 Weird Sound Effects:
Zits — BZZZT!
Phantom — WHACK!
Marvin — TAP TAP TAP TAP
Marmaduke — NOK! NOK! NOK!
Piranha Club — SQUIRT SQUIRT
Safe Havens — STOMP STOMP STOMP
Mother Goose & Grimm — THUD THUD THUD THUD
May 11th, 2011 at 9:07 am [Reply]
Crank – Just when you think Batiuk can’t get any ickier…
JP – That is the biggest, most table-clothed table ever in an alleged jazz club. Also, why is Constance alerting the media? Unless she has some scheme to get the judge to talk Emma down, thereby generating buzz for his book. Hmm, I think I’m calling that.
S-M – “If only — they’ll just … keep… talking…! The quiet drone reminds me of Maury… or Oprah… soon I’ll be snoozing.” (and I wrote that before Josh posted along similar lines – but I was catching up on what others had said before posting. It’s worse than being threadjumped! Waah waah waah.)
Spam (the funny kind) at Y268.
@SideshowJon (#Y271) re DT and the coke/flour switch: I agree! I keep holding out hope that we’ll still get to see some hilarity beyond Gertie saying the flour made her lips numb. If not, what a waste of a good setup! And @Écureuil Écumant (#Y274), I’m pretty sure Gertie’s eyes already looked like that even before she got the “special” flour.
JoshMay 11th, 2011 at 9:07 am [Reply]
@queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#y279): You know, for people who are concerned about getting post-jumped: virtually every day my post happens between 8:30 and 9:30. So, why not just wait for it? If it’s not up by 9:30 that generally means that all bets are off and who knows when it’ll be up, but most days that window is a safe bet.
Josh
Rocky StoneaxeMay 11th, 2011 at 9:12 am [Reply]
@Rita (#1):
Nano Nano!
http://i8.photobucket.com/albums/a13/laserblaze21/RitaAirplaneSurprisecopy.gif
un malpasoMay 11th, 2011 at 9:13 am [Reply]
Yeah… pro tip, Dr. Drew… next time you’re giving a girl the “let’s-not-even-just-be-friends, because-you’re-a-crazy-stalker” treatment, save your flower money. Use it to buy yourself a couple of stiff drinks afterward, while you’re waiting for the restraining order to kick in.
[Old Man] MuffarooMay 11th, 2011 at 9:13 am [Reply]
9 – “Uncle Roger. He says that all the phone calls, e-mails, tweets, and texts to his family and friends pretty much forced him into suicide or a life of gayness, and he chose life. Miserable, unhappy life. Honesty is so painful for other people.”
3G – Margo tries, but her Acking is weak.
SpundeMay 11th, 2011 at 9:14 am [Reply]
FW: No one capable of producing a real movie would prohibit themselves from a straight-to-cell-phone release in an option contract.
So either Ann is blowing smoke up Les’s butt, or Hollywood is blowing smoke up Ann’s butt, or whoever optioned Lisa’s Story isn’t capable of producing a real movie.
Whichever it is, we can be certain of this: Wesley Crusher Les Moore will demonstrate his existential superiority to everyone involved.
DoodMay 11th, 2011 at 9:14 am [Reply]
I like how Liza has her doorbell button wired to administer a shock to her visitor-victims. Yep, there’s definitely more than talk in store for tonight.
LoFoMoFoMay 11th, 2011 at 9:15 am [Reply]
MW: That doorbell is a good example of why you should always use IBEW electricians for all of your electrical work.
[Old Man] MuffarooMay 11th, 2011 at 9:15 am [Reply]
(Seriously, Margo! Higher finger, Mule!)
Curtis – “Seriously, kid, any time a President actually tries to adopt austerity measures himself, everyone senses weakness and Carters him.”
Smirky – “We’ve already got a title for your self-indulgent talkfest, Les: ATLAS SMIRKED.”
un malpasoMay 11th, 2011 at 9:15 am [Reply]
MW contd. Also, why not just break up with her using her favorite method of communication? Take it from a true 21st century man: Text dumps are the safest.
[Old Man] MuffarooMay 11th, 2011 at 9:15 am [Reply]
Marfield – “(The important thing is, I hung it all on the stupid dog in the next strip over!)”
Mutts – “Mister Owl, how many strips does it take to get to the end of a running gag?”
KarMannMay 11th, 2011 at 9:16 am [Reply]
@Josh (#9): But I don’t like waiting for Windows! That’s why I use Linux! *rimshot*
Elaine CMay 11th, 2011 at 9:17 am [Reply]
FW: The bizarre “straight to cell phone” “joke” represents a new low. Which is saying a lot, considering the smug expressions of everyone in this strip make me look forward to their inevitable deaths from cancer.
[Old Man] MuffarooMay 11th, 2011 at 9:17 am [Reply]
Popeye – “The saddest sound ever made: a Goon, reading from the later journals of Charles Crumb.”
Spider-Man – “(If only — they’ll just… keep talking…!)”
I think you’re going to get your wish, dude. Come to think, it was sort of like wishing for snow in Antarctica.
May 11th, 2011 at 9:17 am [Reply]
Apartment 3-G: With just a flick of her finger, Margo summons a candle. For some reason.
[Old Man] MuffarooMay 11th, 2011 at 9:18 am [Reply]
@KarMann (#y267): Ooh, good catch. It would have been too late for me to say that, but I still feel like I should have at least thought of it.
@Monster Energy Hats (#y268): Spam crap with links. The richest kind! KILL UGLY SPAM.
Plinko CommieMay 11th, 2011 at 9:19 am [Reply]
No no no, Les, you didn’t let her finish! She optioned your book to an independent filmmaker in West Hollywood. Lisa’s Whoring: Two Oncologists, One Cup. Coming (tee hee) next week to an adult bookstore near you.
queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii CommandoMay 11th, 2011 at 9:20 am [Reply]
non post-jumped squee!
meanwhile, in Japan.
Goat has a potty mouth.
I .gif you three romping corgi pups. sqweeeee!
especially for bb,u.
browser advice starring foxes. (implied naughty.)
Redneck bars, got to love them.
hoverwombat lacks hover.
romp of otters lacks romp.
yeah, Labs are like that.
beach corgsqui.
corgsplay.
PozzoMay 11th, 2011 at 9:23 am [Reply]
SM: Okay, I read that as: “Have you forgotten — you went BOWLING last night?” He’s not turning into a vampire — he’s turning into Spiderman. He’ll become less adventurous and more sedentary with each passing day, until he’s sitting on the couch in his underwear with a big bowl of Cheetos, staring at the TV and yelling “Buy a vowel!”
Old School Allie CatMay 11th, 2011 at 9:25 am [Reply]
@yellojkt (#3): Man, if I had a dollar for every time I learned that the hard way.
S. StoutMay 11th, 2011 at 9:27 am [Reply]
Hi & Lois: I can’t concentrate on Dippin’ Dots argument because I’m still haunted by the families oil black carpet.
Luann: That’s it! I’m going to embark on a week long project to count how many times we are reminded Quill is from Australia when he appears. You’re from Australia, Quill! We get it! WE GET IT. SHUT UP.
wossnameMay 11th, 2011 at 9:29 am [Reply]
@Josh (#9): Ah, but the difficulty with that strategy is — what if I have thought of something incredibly brilliant to post (not that it’s ever happened, but it could!), and I wait, and then you post more or less the same thing. It’s a consarned dilemma, I tells ya.
nescioMay 11th, 2011 at 9:34 am [Reply]
MW: “I hope we can remain friends! Or at least…cordial!”
I agree with Dr. Drew, if they can’t remain friends, he should get drunk on Jager shots. Did I say “if?” I meant “when.”
May 11th, 2011 at 9:36 am [Reply]
Oooh. I know that look on Dr. Drew’s face. It’s: “I’m going to let her down easy… in the morning.”
Maggie the CatMay 11th, 2011 at 9:36 am [Reply]
Poteet (y#257)- Haha, I know… I don’t think it’ll be tears she’s reduced to. More like a psychotic, catatonic state of denial as she holds Drew hostage forever since they’re meant to be LUVRs always. He’ll regret dumping in person rather than sending that break up text he drafted and redrafted for an hour: sry… cant c u ne mor, ur crzy. best- dru
tb4000May 11th, 2011 at 9:40 am [Reply]
SF: Ted, I feel your pain, bro. Six Flags, the Batman coaster, 2008. Never again.
Esther BlodgettMay 11th, 2011 at 9:41 am [Reply]
I genuinely laughed at the joke in Archie today. Then I looked at Archie’s phone, and it turned into a fit of hysterical screaming from which I still haven’t recovered.
queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii CommandoMay 11th, 2011 at 9:42 am [Reply]
but, but, but, this is the Internet!
we don’t change activities and patterns of behavior, we just whine about the results! :-P
point taken, O Pope.
McManxMay 11th, 2011 at 9:42 am [Reply]
Spiderman – I think Mrs. Morbius better rethink moving Dr. M to “his true destiny.” Judging from his profile and hair in panel two, Morbius is transforming into Michael Jackson. Now, that is horrifying indeed.
Pseudo3DMay 11th, 2011 at 9:44 am [Reply]
Curtis – Something tells me that this a generic catch-all comic that could be run anytime, unless the President is a woman.
9CL – See, if you ADMIT that you’re a jerk, all your sins are forgiven.
FW – Implausible as this is all turning out, I suspect that Les will discover Hollywood will change details that Les feels are “ruining the artistic part”, Les goes berserk, it’s cancelled, status quo is returned.
FC – Shouldn’t that be “Mommy”, there?
UncleJeffMay 11th, 2011 at 9:45 am [Reply]
Spider-fail: Michael Jackson has sure developed the ripped abs since becoming a quasi-vampire/zombie.
TheDivaMay 11th, 2011 at 9:46 am [Reply]
MW: Liza means business–she broke out her most seductive purple tank top and is wearing her air pump bra for that extra cup size boost. Dr. Drew will need all his willpower to resist such seductive wiles.
SM: The Fallacy of the Talking Killer[*] is of course a time-honored cliche, but this is probably the first time a hero was so damn useless the killers were forced to talk to each other to invoke it.
C’shaft: Dear God, what is he, ten? Brain Bleach, BRAIN BLEACH!!!
DT: Shoot, and I was looking forward to a buttermilk-and-cocaine freak-out…
FW: Meanwhile Summer forces her way into the background. “Hey, remember me? The gifted athlete whose ACL injury inspired her team to forfeiture and loss? I’m a Specialest Snowflake too, don’t forget it!”
Luann: Okay Quill, ‘fess up. You’re not really Australian, are you? You’re just pretending to be Australian based on information you’ve gleaned from the Monty Python “Bruces” sketch and reruns of Crocodile Hunter.
Pluggers don’t care if their children play in an abandoned junkyard.
Tom AllenMay 11th, 2011 at 9:48 am [Reply]
Enough with the mockery of Spider-Man. I find the comments on this Morbius strip entirely one-sided.
Esther BlodgettMay 11th, 2011 at 9:49 am [Reply]
MW: Drew, this is not how you dump a woman who has attachment issues. Liza isn’t worried about you breaking up with her, she’s mentally reviewing which local divorce lawyer will score her the biggest alimony payments after the marriage turns out to be a bitter disappointment.
pugfugglyMay 11th, 2011 at 9:50 am [Reply]
Does anyone feel like this Spiderman storyline might be taking a lead from The Hobbit, specifically the tale of the trolls who are tricked into arguing past dawn and are turned into stone by the sun? The major difference being that in Tolkien’s tale, the oafish villains are outsmarted by a clever hero, whereas with this story, the hero will once again come out on top in spite of his lack of wits.
Sorry, Peter, but you’re no Gandalf. Not even a Bilbo or a Thorin. Maybe an Bifur or a Bombur…
Esther BlodgettMay 11th, 2011 at 9:59 am [Reply]
FW: Interestingly, reality has actually provided the most likely scenario for Les’ Hollywood experience. The latest issue of Entertainment Weekly features a column by the author of Something Borrowed, detailing how she expected the adaptation of her book into a movie to be a miserable, soul-crushing experience, and how pleasantly surprised she was to work closely with thoughtful, caring individuals who really “got” her work and produced a wonderful movie. The same issue of EW gives the movie a scathing negative review, basically calling it a piece of junk and giving it a D grade.
I feel bad for the author, who seems like a nice person. But it couldn’t be a more deserved fate for Les.
Pseudo3DMay 11th, 2011 at 10:04 am [Reply]
@tb4000 (#33): Alas, good thing the strip didn’t actually go into memories of theme parks gone by. Native Chron readers are no strangers to that: Six Flags let the city’s only theme park go into decline, then decided to demolish it and sell the land. Currently, Astroworld is no more than an empty patch of land of I-610. Someone most recently carved out a path where it once went:
http://maps.google.com/maps?f=q&source=s_q&hl=en&geocode=&q=astrodome&aq=&sll=29.762515,-95.370512&sspn=0.009593,0.015106&ie=UTF8&hq=&hnear=Astrodome,+Houston,+Harris,+Texas&ll=29.674071,-95.407763&spn=0.009601,0.015106&t=k&z=16
pugfugglyMay 11th, 2011 at 10:09 am [Reply]
Just nonmarital, nonprocreative sex? I think that’s selling Liza’s crazy a little short, don’t you? She seems more like the type to, say, decorate her apartment like a church, fill it with mannequins dressed in tuxes and fancy dresses, drug and kidnap a priest and then invite poor Drew over for a ‘talk’.
Esther BlodgettMay 11th, 2011 at 10:09 am [Reply]
Pluggers…live in towns with no code enforcement.
Love Is…the way you wear your hat like a total douchebag from 2005.
Crankshaft…dares the other strips to top this.
Family Circus…has been force-feeding PJ with growth hormones.
But What Do I Know?May 11th, 2011 at 10:12 am [Reply]
SM — I hate to do it, but I’m going to disagree with Spidey here. For the love of God, please stop talking!!!!!!
The Ghost Who Techno-Babbles — Anyone have a remotely plausible explanation connecting Harry Potter’s statement with hacking on a PC?
MW — “I know we’ll do more than that tonight.” Yeah, this nice old lady’s coming by later–you might know her, Mary Worth? You know, the one the strip is named after, who occasionally appears in it?
JessyMay 11th, 2011 at 10:13 am [Reply]
@un malpaso (#17): Exactly. Despite the strip’s anti-technology bent, it’s clearly time for a succinct text message: “We r so ovr!”
BraniffMay 11th, 2011 at 10:16 am [Reply]
@Rocky Stoneaxe (#7):
FAMILY CIRCUS (in a few years): OINK, OINK, OINK!!
May 11th, 2011 at 10:17 am [Reply]
I’m happy that Drew chose the blue tie to better match his hair color. Although I secretly hope that he still possesses yesterday’s orange tie as a strangling apparatus.
Chip WhittleMay 11th, 2011 at 10:18 am [Reply]
Apartment 3-G: I’m interested in seeing if Margo explains to Lu Ann that just because a boy dates a girl that doesn’t mean they have to get married and have babies and doggies and a house, or if Margo just tells her to “go ask Lu Ann” about it so she spends the afternoon silently staring at the bathroom mirror again.
Crock: The giant lips and drooping jowls on the Big Kahuna, Desert Division here make me feel uneasy, like when I’m watching a 1930’s movie that starts focusing on a non-Anglo-Saxon character. I’m sure nothing is intended by it, but just because Crock isn’t really able to intend anything.
Crankshaft: “You’re handsome, young man, the way at your age you already have doughy, shapeless features that convey sighed resignation and defeat.”
Gasoline Alley: So cousin Scam Artist came back just to pass a bum check? Is it so much fun to scam Slim that people come back to crush his spirits multiple times in one day? Well, yes.
Gil Thorp: I wouldn’t have guessed that when the strip turned to slapping its characters silly they’d start with Al-Jo. I’d have bet on Marty Moon, and that they’d use their bats.
The Phantom: I’d be more impressed with how College Kid is messing with the gang’s minds if the gang weren’t, apparently, the “darker, more realistic” Three Stooges reboot we’ve been resigned to accepting.
Rex Morgan: Good heavens, Rex Morgan’s janitor is every Plugger ever.
survivorMay 11th, 2011 at 10:19 am [Reply]
*pink tie. Orange is the color of Drew’s breakup blazer.
MibbitmakerMay 11th, 2011 at 10:23 am [Reply]
Skimmed. oversnarpologies if needed….
9CL, panel 2: They admit it! They admit it!
BBlues: Useful “man’s” work is useless.
Crank: Or, “Mrs. Robinson” — EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW!……
DT: In illegal drug parlance, this is known as “irony”.
ECity: Elderly parents in mortal danger from mob and/or police state violence far, far away. HILARIOUS!
FW: I think I’m having a straight-to-the-tiolet-bowl-from-nausea moment right now!
AnansiMay 11th, 2011 at 10:28 am [Reply]
Apparently, Hagar and Lucky Eddie decided to travel east to learn about the art of firebending(a la Avatar). FortunatelyUnfortunately, the dragons will eat them instead of enlightening them.
Doctor HandsomeMay 11th, 2011 at 10:30 am [Reply]
I might be overthinking things, but in this day and age, with piracy and the internet and so forth, isn’t every movie essentially “straight-to-cell-phone?”
MibbitmakerMay 11th, 2011 at 10:32 am [Reply]
H&J: It’s nearly impossible to discriminate against a ginormous ego.
H&L: Sorry, Ditto, but she’s really just saying the name of her favorite ’90s singer.
JP: In that order? Constance is clearly slipping…
Luann: “Plus, they keep on calling each other ‘Bruce’ for some reason.”
MT: “….and that makes me REALLY ANGRY!”
Popeye: Well, by all means, just stand by and do nothing, watching it happen. I mean, how else to show that it makes you indignantly super-angry, one-eye?
R=R: It’s a psychiatric doctor, I firmly hope!
AnonymousMay 11th, 2011 at 10:35 am [Reply]
@Mibbitmaker (#53), 9 Dickweed Lane: Sorry, it’s only a major victory if someone else outside the Burbersphere (Thorax excluded) makes the observation, and they get away with it.
S-M: Petey, Petey, Petey. Remember that this strip is 90% filler. If necessary, they’ll say “purple monkey dishwater” in three different languages.
S4th: And here I thought the first instance was Hilary’s conception.
cheech wizardMay 11th, 2011 at 10:37 am [Reply]
Yow. I never thought I would actually see a competent rendering of a sexy woman in Mary Worth, let alone one with a look of smoldering lust on her face. Drew, if you don’t want to bone her, I do.
In fact, can we just trash the rest of the cast and change this strip to “Liza, Whore of Charterstone”? It’d be a vast improvement.
Jim NorthMay 11th, 2011 at 10:38 am [Reply]
A3G: Y’know, I bet they could replace Lu Ann with a lost little puppy and we’d never notice the difference.
. . . oh crap, I just made myself all paranoid. What if this has already happened?!
Crank: . . . wait.
GT: Ah, good ol’ systematic hazing. At least they picked the one girl who’s already used to it.
Luann: “‘Cause I’m Australian, you know.”
Marvin: Y’know, when I was but a young lad, I lived right near a sewage ditch. And funnily enough, the runoff there happened to be the exact same shade as the stuff clinging to Marvin’s filthy, nasty body. I mean exact. It’s uncanny.
Pluggers of the Future still have MLB, but they’ve had to make some minor cutbacks due to the worldwide economy collapse.
Ziggy: How can you tell he’s lost his will to go on? Because he’s in a Ziggy comic! HA!
I’m writing this at exactly 12:21am Central time. I won’t be posting it for about nine or ten hours yet. I wonder just how many other people will have made this exact same joke in the meantime. My bet? All of you!
Added later: No one?! Really?!
Doctor HandsomeMay 11th, 2011 at 10:38 am [Reply]
Trixie is understandably frustrated by her inability to properly enunciate her contention that her siblings are dumb dildos.
AnonymousMay 11th, 2011 at 10:40 am [Reply]
The Big Stripeybutt Theory: That’s what happens when you have {Hated.College.Rival} as your safety school.
MibbitmakerMay 11th, 2011 at 10:41 am [Reply]
@Dood (#22): Because she can!
Doctor HandsomeMay 11th, 2011 at 10:41 am [Reply]
Good luck remaining cordial with Ann Coulter there, Drew.
Doctor HandsomeMay 11th, 2011 at 10:43 am [Reply]
Morbius, the Living Vampire, transformed into… a vampire?! Impossible!!!
Little GuyMay 11th, 2011 at 10:44 am [Reply]
@Anonymous (#57), @Anonymous (#61): Those are mine. I guess my Burburlicious slam and casting of “Lisa’s Story” took a toll on my tags and cookie.
RandalllMay 11th, 2011 at 10:46 am [Reply]
Luann: Funny how the term ‘Blowflies’ just comes up in conversation with Luann.
Chyron HRMay 11th, 2011 at 10:49 am [Reply]
SM – Why is it you always see some ugly vampire schlub married to a hot vampire wife?
CalicoMay 11th, 2011 at 10:49 am [Reply]
@Mibbitmaker (#56):
The next word out of Trixie’s mouth will be “Gaga.”
May 11th, 2011 at 10:52 am [Reply]
DT: Let’s see now … cocaine flour … baking soda … sure enough, we have a new winner in the Pillsbury bakeoff: Baked Crack.
CalicoMay 11th, 2011 at 10:54 am [Reply]
@Écureuil Écumant (#69):
Is that anything similar to Hardtack? I’ll bet Baked Crack tastes much better.
May 11th, 2011 at 10:54 am [Reply]
I think I can complete Liza’s sentence from today’s “Mary Worth:” “I know we’ll do more than talk tonight! We’ll also engage in some sexy texting, or, as the kids are calling it, ‘Sexting.” Which will then lead to a three week long, thinly-veiled comics tirade about telecommunications that’s hilarious in how poorly-informed it is. Or, worse, they’ll have sex and she’ll insist on Tweeting it as it happens.
The two characters in “Hi and Lois” are arguing about whose name the baby learned first. That’s original. On the other hand, it is reassuring to see that those 19th century Vaudevillian plots aren’t being left to die graceful deaths.
I LOVE Morbius’s “clueless, sit-com valley girl” body language in the first panel of “Spider-Man.” It heralds big things for “Spider-Man” as it continues to pioneer the vile, ineffectual vampire genre. Did you think the vampires in “Twilight” were awful? Just wait; Spider-Man features vampires who can’t even successfully turn into vampires. They can only melodramatically shrug at their inability to become vampires and then argue about it. On the other hand, they do have horrifically over-sized eyebrows.
May 11th, 2011 at 10:58 am [Reply]
Dick- Evidently the secret to drawing the New Dick Tracy is to not include Dick Tracy in the strip. Well played.
Chip WhittleMay 11th, 2011 at 11:02 am [Reply]
Endtown: Hey, good news. Churchy La Femme survived the apocalypse.
Mutt and Jeff: They paste feathers on Mutt’s chest to irritate their doctor, and yet it’s not the least plausible strip of the day.
Mark BMay 11th, 2011 at 11:03 am [Reply]
Remember Drew, it’s never a good idea to tell her about the breakup during oral sex. If she’s the one doing it. But one last booty call before the breakup isn’t all that bad. You’ll catch more hell, but … booty call.
[Old Man] MuffarooMay 11th, 2011 at 11:05 am [Reply]
@Pseudo3D (#44): Ah, that brings it back. There’s the Intercontinental, George H.W. Bush’s legal Texas residence, where some Democrats held a fundraiser. There’s my old apartment on Westridge, where we experienced our first hurricane. There’s where KBTL, the pseudonymous all-Beatles station, had its office. There’s the industrial park next to Astro Village, where I used to ride my bike and look at the rides over the fence. Shoot, the rides were still there even the last time I was in Houston, in ‘04.
Mark BMay 11th, 2011 at 11:07 am [Reply]
I’m more than a little disappointed that Liza didn’t greet Drew at the door wearing nothing but a smile.
BardMay 11th, 2011 at 11:09 am [Reply]
Spider-Man: Does Stan Lee not realize they’re, like, in broad daylight right now and not suffering any ill effects?
Effluvius ErratusMay 11th, 2011 at 11:11 am [Reply]
Blondie: I’m quite pleased that Franz Kafka has taken over writing duties for this venerable strip. Tomorrow: Dagwood B. wakes up from anxious dreams and discovers that in his bed he had been changed into a gigantic delicious sandwich.
FC: I’m very disturbed by Dolly and PJs shapely, well-muscled legs.
GT: While some of you may object, rightly pointing out that rubbing a totemic hat for good luck is hardly qualifies as “coaching,” it’s probably the closest to thing the softball team is ever going to get to the real thing.
Marmaduke: Looks like the new DA is following through on his pledge end Marmaduke’s reign of terror, poor fool that he is.
SalFor: And with that final line in Panel 3, Ces lets slip what we already knew: Ted Forth is not Hillary’s father, and is, most likely, a eunuch.
boojumMay 11th, 2011 at 11:11 am [Reply]
A3G: So… Margo does realize that Trey is “not the wedding type,” huh? I presume this is the new circumlocution for “unmarried – and quite understandably so.”
boojumMay 11th, 2011 at 11:14 am [Reply]
Also: Even when I understand Gil Thorp, I don’t understand Gil Thorp.
Little A and his Crystal Ball That Might Finally Be Right Predicts:May 11th, 2011 at 11:16 am [Reply]
@Esther Blodgett (#34): Dear Ms. Blodget: Even if you are 75 years old, which I doubt, that joke is older than you. It was an old Catskill Mountains comedian joke before the war. The Second World War. Or maybe The French and Indian War.
Batman BeatlesMay 11th, 2011 at 11:19 am [Reply]
MW – Forget the boiled rabbit, Drew will find himself hobbled with a sledge hammer.
“God I love you.” *WHAM!*
Mark BMay 11th, 2011 at 11:21 am [Reply]
MT: The whole ‘Mark Trail is caught in a snare’ subplot was resolved with a whole let less drama that expected. Even Andy looks disappointed.
Baka GaijinMay 11th, 2011 at 11:21 am [Reply]
@KarMann (#Y266): “Loose Parts: Baka Gaijin might almost approve, until he noticed who/what the first-person is.” I’m of two minds. First, AAAAHHHH! Clown! Second, destruction of clowns by a clown. Internecine harlequin destruction. I approve!
@Rocky Stoneaxe (#Y230): “Baka Gaijin, prepare to be attracted and repelled at the same time (NSFW):” No, repelled and clawing my eyes out at the same time.
@SideshowJon (#Y271): “By cowering away from the Cocaine Muffin storyline, I think Dick Tracy may have deprived us of the greatest event this side of ArloMania.” I wouldn’t write this one off yet. Gertie could have filled her flour bin, BO could have done the old switcheroo on one of the bags because that “high potency” flour is the only thing that keeps the baby happpy, who knows with this new crew.
Effluvius ErratusMay 11th, 2011 at 11:35 am [Reply]
@Mark B (#83): I’m hoping the snare was just an hors’dourve and that Mark will encounter an improvised trap each day—pitfalls, punji sticks, tripwires, falling boulders, logs swinging from trees, etc.—with the last booby trap being a craftily camoulaged trebuchet that launches mark back to his cabin in Lost Forest.
terrapinMay 11th, 2011 at 11:35 am [Reply]
Crankshaft: Trouble brewing…
MT: He may also be useing that advanced woodsman’s trick of NOT saying out loud everything he THINKS so he doesn’t sound like a herd of buffalo stomping through the woods.
Luann: Ugh…just shut UP!
This GuyMay 11th, 2011 at 11:37 am [Reply]
@Frank Lee Meidere (#y253): It makes the ghost phone call story line make slightly more sense, perhaps, but it also makes Dead Saint Lisa out to be a pretty terrible person. She apparently knew the plane had a mechanical problem that would doom it to crash, so she called Les to warn him and only him, consigning everyone else to death. Only then did she call in a phony bomb threat that caused the problem to be spotted, saving all the passengers and crew–which she could have just as easily done in the first place.
ElkMeadowMay 11th, 2011 at 11:40 am [Reply]
@Lloyd S. (#y279):
Well, I enjoyed looking the whole thing up and finding out some stuff I didn’t know before. CC is nothing if not educational, and is the best for squee! links!
Jim NorthMay 11th, 2011 at 11:42 am [Reply]
@Tom Allen (#40): lol
@Little A and his Crystal Ball That Might Finally Be Right Predicts: (#81): I’m fairly certain the joke actually predates Hawaii itself by about five minutes.
ElkMeadowMay 11th, 2011 at 11:42 am [Reply]
I am surprised, though, that no one answered the question, “Which side were the Hatfields and McCoys on in the Battle of Vouillé?”
The answer: Opposite sides.
(My apologies if anyone did answer it before I posted.)
queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii CommandoMay 11th, 2011 at 11:48 am [Reply]
@ElkMeadow (#88): someone mentioned squee?
This GuyMay 11th, 2011 at 11:50 am [Reply]
H&J: Ah, a return to form. Clip art meets a complete lack of original thought.
H&L: Trixie was actually just remembering the name of Aeneas’s suicidal love interest in that Purcell opera. Babies can’t resist the Baroque.
Ziggy: Maybe the pet rock is despondent over being a fad from over 30 years ago. Then again, even inanimate objects can and do become suicidal after a while existing near Ziggy.
cheech wizardMay 11th, 2011 at 11:51 am [Reply]
MW – Drew, you said you just weren’t getting into her that much? I’m sure you’ll have your opportunity in about five minutes.
ApemanMay 11th, 2011 at 11:53 am [Reply]
Spider-Lame: “Each of my bites moves you closer to your true destiny”? I always thought it took just one to turn a victim into a vampire. It’s not vampirism that’s spreading in the Newspaper Spidey universe; it’s lethargy. It takes too much effort to turn a vampire with one bite. The pressure it takes to break the skin is tough on her jawbone. Instead, she’s chosen to just barely nip his neck once a night for the next 12 to 14 days (Thank goodness it’s not Apt. 3G; it would take years.)
Terry in MarylandMay 11th, 2011 at 11:55 am [Reply]
MT: Another storyline that should be accompanied by the sound track from Deliverance.
Krazy KatMay 11th, 2011 at 11:56 am [Reply]
“I hope we can remain friends! If I’m lucky, she’ll say ‘yes’ when I get down on one knee and offer her this diamond friendship ring. And I hope she’ll accept my offer to move into my place, since I’ve really been struggling with the rent since my last roommate moved out and it’d be great to have a new roomie that I’m already friends with. You know, I don’t see how this breakup could go wrong at all!”
commodorejohnMay 11th, 2011 at 11:58 am [Reply]
@Frank Lee Meidere (Y253): Yep, that was pretty clearly the implication. Lisa, speaking from beyond the grave in order to keep her dumbass husband from getting killed. (You’d think a man who literally sees her ghost hovering around him in day-to-day life would be a little more open to the possibility of getting a phone call from her.)
A3G – “But you seem so perfect together, Margo! I mean, he’s a schemer who tries to exploit others to further his own goals, and…”
A.D. – You know, if this had been xkcd, that equation would have been the source of the graph.
Crankshaft – EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.
Crock – “You got your Crock incoherence in my Facebook-joke incoherence!” “Well you got your Facebook-joke incoherence in my Crock incoherence!”
DT – Oh, well, problem solved! The new Tracy team are really demonstrating a commitment to cut down on the unnecessarily long storylines of the Locher era!
FW – So are direct-to-phone movies actually a thing, or is this another of Batiuk’s comical futurisms like “solo car date?”
GT – ???
JP – Oh great, is this going to turn into “Harold the Barrel” with the entire town trying to alternately talk her down or get her to jump?
Love Is… – has officially flipped its lid.
Luann – Attn: Commonwealth of Australia: You can have Greg Evans. We don’t care what you do to him. In fact, we’d be much obliged if you appropriated him and then used your collective imagination.
MT – You know, I read the phrase “HIS SURVIVAL TRAINING IS PROBABLY WHAT KEEPS HIM ALIVE UP HERE!” in the comments last night, and I still didn’t believe it was real until I saw it with my own eyes just now. In any case, I hope we get to watch Mark rationalize away a series of progressively more deadly traps. “THIS PIT TRAP WITH SPIKES AT THE BOTTOM IN FRONT OF THE ‘KEEP OUT’ SIGN IS PROBABLY TO PREVENT BEARS FROM STEALING HIS FOOD!” “THIS AUTOMATED SENTRY TURRET WAS PROBABLY PUT IN PLACE TO SCARE DEER AWAY FROM HIS CROPS!”
MW – So yeah, crazy crazy Liza, but…good God, was she that stacked before now? Those things are damn near the size of her head!
Momma – Just push her in the oven already! Jesus!
Monty – Monty depicts a man biting the head off a frog in the funny pages. And Zits can’t say “sucks.”
SF – Uh, who’s “we,” Sally?
[Old Man] MuffarooMay 11th, 2011 at 11:59 am [Reply]
Stan is moving the vampire mythos closer to the speed at which things happen in the Spideyverse. Just as it takes more than one bite to turn somebody (who’s already 99-44/100% vampire anyway) into a true vampire, so too does it take multiple solar exposures to kill a true vampire. Instead of one shot of sunlight causing them to crumble to dust, it now takes… well, first they have to develop a tan, then they over-tan, then they get suspicious moles that change shape or color, and then they get better, but then they get a bad prognosis, and a relapse, and next thing you know they’re dancing with Masky. [*]
Dennis JimenezMay 11th, 2011 at 12:02 pm [Reply]
@Mark B (#76): I’d say she’s more of the hood and bondage harness type….
Pseudo3DMay 11th, 2011 at 12:03 pm [Reply]
@[Old Man] Muffaroo (#75): Yup. It announced closing in fall 2005 and was closed permanently by the end of the season. I remember seeing the rides too, I passed by it shortly before it closed (the park was right on the Interstate).
The Commonwealth of AustraliaMay 11th, 2011 at 12:05 pm [Reply]
@commodorejohn (#97):
No thank you. G’day, mate!
Esther BlodgettMay 11th, 2011 at 12:05 pm [Reply]
@Little A and his Crystal Ball That Might Finally Be Right Predicts: (#81): Of course. It still tickled me. That phone, on the other hand, was a fresh helping of WTF on top of the trusty old punchline.
ElkMeadowMay 11th, 2011 at 12:08 pm [Reply]
@Chyron HR (#67):
No fair! You didn’t warn us about it being a tv trope! Although I did find the musical selection for One-Winged Angels article (three or four links) to be perfect for the piece.
FiercebadrabbitMay 11th, 2011 at 12:09 pm [Reply]
Hmm… Vampires, bickering and backstabbing constantly despite the fact that you’d think they’d be allies, a deeply incompetent vampire slayer, the tides of even a simple discussion wandering as though the results were being determined by some sort of random integer… I’m on to you, Spiderman villains. You’re LARPing!
HamsterpantsMay 11th, 2011 at 12:19 pm [Reply]
Ah, the 1800Flowers Very Special “Don’t Hurt Me Stalker Lady” tm. bouquet. But isn’t it supposed to be a floral tribute in the form of a restraining order?
TheTJMay 11th, 2011 at 12:33 pm [Reply]
Spiderman only wants them to keep talking in the hopes that he could sneak in a quick nap before someone else comes in to save the day.
AnonymousMay 11th, 2011 at 12:36 pm [Reply]
Only in Mary Worth can someone hear the phrase, “We need to talk” and think, “Aww yeah, gettin’ laid tonight”.
Baka GaijinMay 11th, 2011 at 12:39 pm [Reply]
Marvin: Damn! That must have been some kind of diaper blowout.
Cow and Boy: “Best Use of a Warm Bucket of Water in a Humor Strip” award!
Family Circus: Now I’m not so sure Dolly is Thel’s daughter. Those cankles? Hillary Clinton. Just sayin’.
Rocky StoneaxeMay 11th, 2011 at 12:40 pm [Reply]
@Batman Beatles (#82):
MW – Forget the boiled rabbit, Drew will find himself hobbled with a sledge hammer.
“God I love you.” *WHAM!*
As a Batman fan(?), you’ll probably appreciate the irony:
http://www.thefifthbranch.com/images/oldies/batman/batman127.jpg
Baka GaijinMay 11th, 2011 at 12:44 pm [Reply]
Slylock Fox: Nursegirl, just prescribe him some Doritos and Twinkees for the munchies that will hit him in a few minutes.
One Big Happy: Joe’s second panel hissing. Margo does that any time someone brings holy water nearby.
Blondie: The Oscar Meyer Weinermobile passed by the bank while Dagwood was writing the check. The clerk is seeing Dag’s…I can’t finish that thought.
Effluvius ErratusMay 11th, 2011 at 12:46 pm [Reply]
MW: Clearly, Dr. Drew’s hiding a gun in the giant bouquet, but who put him up to it: Baroness Mary or Fred VII Dr. Jeff?
AhClemMay 11th, 2011 at 12:48 pm [Reply]
@Tom Allen (#40):
I see what you did there.
May 11th, 2011 at 12:50 pm [Reply]
FW The single most frightening aspect of this story line is that there may actually be a real “Lisa’s Story” in the works somewhere in Hollywood. After all, the fact that the Marmaduke movie exists proves that they are capable of anything.
terrapinMay 11th, 2011 at 1:03 pm [Reply]
@AhClem (#112): Ha ha! I just got it! COTW!
Uncle LumpyMay 11th, 2011 at 1:07 pm [Reply]
@AhClem (#113):
… there may actually be a real “Lisa’s Story” in the works somewhere in Hollywood.
And why not? The book has already reached #996,591 on Amazon. Somebody’s sure to snap up all those top-million properties!
T. ChicanaMay 11th, 2011 at 1:15 pm [Reply]
commodorejohn: THAT’s the phrase I was looking for: “head-sized boobs.” This is a new…development! Ew. And Double-EWWWW on Crankshaft. I mean, really. REALLY?!! Sorry, I’m just to grossed out to come up w/ anything else!
LiamMay 11th, 2011 at 1:23 pm [Reply]
Spider-Man: “Prowling”? With the way it is bolded it looks like it could be a euphamism for something else. Isn’t all this vapirism stuff in here just an over all euphamism for homosexuality?
LiamMay 11th, 2011 at 1:25 pm [Reply]
MW-Oh Drew, you poor bastard. Liza has a harness in that apartment with your name on it.
MT-That is a pretty terrible snare if it is being used to catch food. Mark is easily lying on the ground and there are animals far heavier than him which would break the snare if they got caught in it.
greghousesgfMay 11th, 2011 at 1:26 pm [Reply]
I can’t help noticing a LOT of what Dr. Handsome says is either what I was going to say (today) or what I wish I’d said (ugliest sea lion in hell, etc.)
Bill ThompsonMay 11th, 2011 at 1:29 pm [Reply]
Funky Rerunnerbean: Girl dies from cancer, boy survives: Must be time for a remake of Love Story. It’s the same rule that drives Hollywood to remake longer, dumbed-down versions of classic films, except it takes Batiuk to make people think of Love Story as quick, smart and classic.
This GuyMay 11th, 2011 at 1:30 pm [Reply]
Crock: What is this I don’t even… A French legionnaire in North Africa is asking a Moai statue with the misspelled name of a Babylonian king about Facebook. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the mindfuck.
queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii CommandoMay 11th, 2011 at 1:31 pm [Reply]
Whelp, we’ve got our own squee for a couple of days. Dog sitting for a Westie. :-)
The Spectacular Spider-BrickMay 11th, 2011 at 1:39 pm [Reply]
9CL: I have a cat who doesn’t stick her ass up in the air with as little provocation as Edda here.
BB: “It’s Wednesday! Shouldn’t we be making a golf joke?”
C’haft: What do you call a woman older than a “cougar” going after younger-than-usual prey? A vulture, maybe?
DT: Aaaaand another plotline is wrapped up in record time! If these guys were in charge of Judge Parker, Neddy would be a grandma by now.
H&J: Zora Neale Hurston? What happened, Bentley? Run out of Langston Hughes quotes?
Luann: “OK, let’s troy this ‘un. Owah love is loik a fuzzy koala beah… ‘Av I mentioned lately oi’m from Australia?”
Monty vs. Wild: Good thing he wasn’t thirsty.
Ghost-Who-Does-Not-Appear-In-This-Adventure: “If you had, you’d realize that ‘gain-to-noise-temperature-ratio’ is meaningless made-up bullshit!”
S-M: Somehow, Spidey, I doubt you’re in any danger of that not happening.
WoI: Ha, ha! Bung’s back to his old boozing ways! I for one am sure glad Parker realized that crippling alcoholism is comedy GOLD!
Uncle LumpyMay 11th, 2011 at 1:43 pm [Reply]
@Bill Thompson (#120):
… to make people think of Love Story …
Can I think of Goodbye, Columbus instead? It’s Ohio-themed and everything! And there’s little about Les that “Growing a penis!” couldn’t cure.
cheech wizardMay 11th, 2011 at 1:51 pm [Reply]
FW – Why would anyone in Hollywood be interested in optioning Les’ book? The only people I know of who make movies like this are the Ohio State Police.
kanomiMay 11th, 2011 at 2:05 pm [Reply]
Shoe: No snark, just a pretty composition.
Rex Morgan, M.D.: Squint at the first panel, and you can pretend Rex Morgan has become his pony-tailed alter ego, “Sex Morgan, Bachelor M.D.”
Funky: “Hold on, you have another call – it’s Oprah Winfrey! It seems Lisa’s Story has won the Nobel Prize In Literature. She wants to fly you in an airplane made of solid gold to her studio, where throngs of adoring fans will prostrate themselves before your profound artistic genius!”
CalicoMay 11th, 2011 at 2:09 pm [Reply]
So, um, what is this trend with Mary Worth characters and stalkers anyway?
I know the strip is based in California, but jeez…
May 11th, 2011 at 2:10 pm [Reply]
Spider-Man is thinking, “I want to erect a monument to this conversation… where can I find a grade of marble boring enough?”
Bill ThompsonMay 11th, 2011 at 2:10 pm [Reply]
@Josh (#9): I’m stumped. What’s post-jumped? It sounds like something MuckEck’s characters would do to one another.
Phantom: “Gain-to-noise temperature ratio” is not the way to do technobabble. You don’t take several different technical terms and shake them together. “Gain” refers to increasing the signal strength of a transmission, as in “Hi-gain antenna” (like using a big rooftop Yagi antenna for your analog TV, instead of rabbit ears). “Signal-to-noise ratio” is a measure of how much interference there is. Signal is the message you want to receive; noise is static, crap that goes on inside the electronic circuits, and other signals that drown out what you want to hear. Temperature has something to do with blackbody radiation and the wavelength used by a transmitting antenna, and it’s only useful in radio astronomy.
GregMay 11th, 2011 at 2:13 pm [Reply]
FW: Poor John Waters. He thought he had taken human depravity to the limit in “Pink Flamingos.” But now there is… shudder… “Lisa’s Story.”
MarvinMay 11th, 2011 at 2:13 pm [Reply]
You call that a “dump-o-rama”? Get real.
Esther BlodgettMay 11th, 2011 at 2:14 pm [Reply]
@kanomi (#126): “…where throngs of adoring fans will prostrate themselves before your profound artistic genius!”
And then they’ll all get prostrate cancer. *rimshot*
True FableMay 11th, 2011 at 2:16 pm [Reply]
@queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#25): GOAT!! GOAT outrage!!!
I never can seem to come up with the funny anymore, but I am content to read what others write and laugh at that. It’s almost thievery; it’s like a Peeping Tom leering at clever phrases rather than writing it myself. It’s as if I am trapped in a perpetual Mary Worth storyline about sex.
Bill ThompsonMay 11th, 2011 at 2:20 pm [Reply]
@Uncle Lumpy (#124): Goodby, Columbus could do it, but what about ripping off The Shootist? You’ve got the dying-from-cancer angle and a lot of jerks who get gunned down. You could even use CGI to cast John Carradine as Masky McDeath. “This is your final scene, Les, so tell me what you want on your tombstone. Hurry up, I’m overdue at the deGroots!”
bourbon babe, unbuckledMay 11th, 2011 at 2:20 pm [Reply]
@queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#25): I’m feeling generally uninspired by the comics today, but I do love me some bourbon-pups.
kanomiMay 11th, 2011 at 2:27 pm [Reply]
@Esther Blodgett (#132): I didn’t want to go there. There being his prostate.
:)
Effluvius ErratusMay 11th, 2011 at 2:35 pm [Reply]
@The Spectacular Spider-Brick (#123): I’m 99.9% sure I’ve seen that Hurston quote in H&J before, so yeah, I think he’s running out of not just Langston Hughes quotes, but Harlem Renaissance quotes in general, which is fine by me.
Hopefully, Bentley will start busting out some H. Rap Brown and Bobby Seale quotes in the near future.
Mark BMay 11th, 2011 at 2:40 pm [Reply]
MT: Hey Drew, she’s about to get all cordial with your wing-wang, if you know what I mean.
PoteetMay 11th, 2011 at 2:41 pm [Reply]
@Maggie the Cat (#32): BWAHAHA!
PoteetMay 11th, 2011 at 2:45 pm [Reply]
S-M — Bizarre though this dialogue is, not to mention completely senseless from the classic-rules-for-vampires point of view, it’s still far better than anything we’ve seen onstage from MJ & Co. MJ’s “comedies” have the dialogue that makes me want to stab myself.
Walker of DogMay 11th, 2011 at 3:01 pm [Reply]
@kanomi (#126): Someone else saw Rex’s faux-neetail – good, maybe I’m not insane. But no matter the haircut, he’s still a tool. Wasn’t it nice of him to give the custodian almost no information about the impending criminal assault? Rex: “Eh, she’ll be fine – she has that broom.”
@Bill Thompson (#129): Wow. Sit down, Phantom – you just got schooled!
Jim NorthMay 11th, 2011 at 3:05 pm [Reply]
@kanomi (#126): RE Shoe: Hmm, yeah, it does have a rather interesting surreal appeal, what with the way it depicts a gradual collapse of concrete spatial relations between objects.
Effluvius ErratusMay 11th, 2011 at 3:20 pm [Reply]
@research papers (#143): Is it just me, or are the nascent AIs getting more and more polite these days?
Rocky StoneaxeMay 11th, 2011 at 3:20 pm [Reply]
@Bill Thompson (#129):
@Josh (#9): I’m stumped. What’s post-jumped? It sounds like something MuckEck’s characters would do to one another.
Post-jumping is like the African-American tradition of jumping the broom*:
http://colorado.indiebliss.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/14-dsc_6864.jpg
*Except it involves a drunk white guy, a pogo stick and a goal post!
Ned RyersonMay 11th, 2011 at 3:23 pm [Reply]
@Marvin (#131): A big, coarse “HA!” to you, sir! But seriously, Drew did just shit his pants.
MaryAnnTheRestMay 11th, 2011 at 3:29 pm [Reply]
@Alan’s Addiction (#71): That vampire comment is floatariffic, for sure. Thanks, Spiderman, I feel reassured that there ARE lamer vampires than Robert Pattison in glitter.
WeaselboyMay 11th, 2011 at 3:32 pm [Reply]
Crankshaft: Damn, this makes the newsboy scene in A Streetcar Named Desire look like an episode of Full House.
AhClemMay 11th, 2011 at 3:36 pm [Reply]
FW Batuik’s “writing” is so astonishingly awesome that, on the 100th anniversary of his death, the committee is going to dig up and re-animate Joseph Pulitzer so that he can deliver the prize for “Lisa’s Story” in person.
SpundeMay 11th, 2011 at 3:38 pm [Reply]
@Bill Thompson (#129):
Alas, gain-to-noise temperature ratio is a real thing (“noise temperature” is a measure of the noise the physical system adds to the signal).
I’m not sure what that has to do with getting your cable modem to work, but then, I didn’t go to Hogwarts.
Bill ThompsonMay 11th, 2011 at 3:38 pm [Reply]
The Amusing Spiderman: Okay, it’s normal for cartoon characters to ignore what is happening outside the frame. But Spiderman is waking up inside the frame and in full view of Martine. Martine, dear, I know it’s almost unprecedented for Spiderman to get up once he’s lying down, but you should pay a little more attention. By the way, how are you at noticing sunrise? Are you trying to make an ash of yourself?
Walker of DogMay 11th, 2011 at 3:38 pm [Reply]
FC: PJ, before you continue that stride, if you agree to change into some shorts that leave something to the imagination, we agree not to imagine anything.
GT: Final score: Central 3, Milford 0, Al-Jo stoned to death in the parking lot.
Phan: Kidnapper-burn!
Plug: So first base is kissing the trash can lid, second base is feeling up the rock, and third base is… something unpleasant with the old tire. Careful, kids – it’s a radial!
Calvin's Cardboard BoxMay 11th, 2011 at 3:41 pm [Reply]
@Esther Blodgett (#132):
I had a bout of prostrate cancer recently. Don’t take it lightly! It really laid me out.
Bill ThompsonMay 11th, 2011 at 3:41 pm [Reply]
@Spunde (#150): Thanks for the correction. What I know about the topic is, obviously, outdated.
MaryAnnTheRestMay 11th, 2011 at 3:47 pm [Reply]
Having Mark Trail and Monty next to each other on my Chron comics page is awesome this week. Compare and contrast “I’ve seen almost 2 seasons of Man vs. Wild so we’ll be OK” with Mark in a snare. The Survivalthon has begun. Hint: carry a pocketknife and a granola bar.
As for FW, has anyone suggested that Les might go all Hollywood scriptwriter on us? They could move the cast to L.A. like Laverne and Shirley! Wally could be gunning people down on the expressway, Montoni’s pizza could add pineapple/ham to the menu, and Summer and Keisha could find a nice commune in the hills and raise goats.
Walker of DogMay 11th, 2011 at 4:06 pm [Reply]
@Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#153): Wait just a minute – do you think cancer is funny?
Because it’s not. Cancer is beautiful and poignant and oh-my-god-so-lucrative.
Let me tell about an upcoming film you should see…
May 11th, 2011 at 4:07 pm [Reply]
@Bill Thompson (#129): “post-jumped” is when Josh has put a new post up while or just after you were preparing a post in the existing (and now yesterthread). Leaves you being the funniest poster in a dead thread, talking to your self and the dust bunnies, while all the kewl people are posting in the new thread. ;-)
cheech wizardMay 11th, 2011 at 4:18 pm [Reply]
FW – “What’s that? They want to make ‘Lisa’s Story’ into a movie? And hire me as a consultant? Thanks, but I just got laid for the first time since she died and…I guess I’m just not that obsessed by it any more. Ok? Thanks – bye.”
KarMannMay 11th, 2011 at 4:29 pm [Reply]
Crock: Actually, I was pretty impressed by today’s Crock, relatively speaking. Mainly because it’s a joke using Facebook, but where the punchline isn’t just “ha! Facebook!”, but undertakers wanting to be your friend, and Facebook just happens to be the medium. It seems like a pretty big step forward from the usual Crock quality.
CalicoMay 11th, 2011 at 4:32 pm [Reply]
@Weaselboy (#147):
It’s kinda like “Desperate Housewives”, but with a “Harold and Maude” touch.
Nice work, B & A…gross
Oh, and let’s not forget the “Lock of hair” scene from “Mad Men”-equally gross.
May 11th, 2011 at 4:44 pm [Reply]
Pluggers: Shouldn’t those kids be chasing cars, urinating on rugs or chewing shoes?
This GuyMay 11th, 2011 at 4:45 pm [Reply]
@Uncle Lumpy (#124): An anagram of “Growing a penis” would be “Spiro Agnew-ing.” The More You Know…
Here Come ole FlattopMay 11th, 2011 at 4:51 pm [Reply]
Just checking in to see if Katy from yesterday has any growth status to report. She did threaten BatShit and all.
Frank Lee MeidereMay 11th, 2011 at 4:51 pm [Reply]
@Baka Gaijin (#108): I second that award for Cow & Boy. I haven’t really noticed this comic before, but — that one is truly brilliant. So I went back over the past week. Where has this comic been hiding from me all this time?
Écureuil ÉcumantMay 11th, 2011 at 4:55 pm [Reply]
Zits: 120v at the instrument input is something that would cause me to unplug the amp. But Jeremy has an ulterior motive: Spiro Agnew-ing.
Baka GaijinMay 11th, 2011 at 5:09 pm [Reply]
@Frank Lee Meidere (#163): Cow & Boy can get really strange but in a good way, not a Wilbur and Dawn creepfest way. Have you seen any with his human friend Martin? He’s always good for a laugh.
LiamMay 11th, 2011 at 5:46 pm [Reply]
JP-I don’t understand this. There is a woman on the top of a building threatening to jump and these two guys are inside calmly talking about the whole thing. I hope they are sitting by a window so they don’t miss the splatter when she jumps.
KatyMay 11th, 2011 at 5:57 pm [Reply]
@Here Come ole Flattop (#162): I … I think I’m flattered that someone remembered how I said I would grow a dick. Am I flattered? I think I’m flattered. Someone help me out here. Am I flattered?
Maggie the CatMay 11th, 2011 at 5:58 pm [Reply]
@Marvin (#131):
LOLs all around at this one!
Here Come ole FlattopMay 11th, 2011 at 6:07 pm [Reply]
@Katy (#167): It was just too damned funny NOT to remember. It’s a good thing I wasn’t drinking at the time. Flat screens can be devilishly hard to clean. You should be flattered for the very smart (while prurient) turn of phrase.
UnclGhostMay 11th, 2011 at 6:18 pm [Reply]
Our worst fears have been realized: Trixie is an inbred descendant of Jesus.
Ed DraveckyMay 11th, 2011 at 6:18 pm [Reply]
Harry Potter is trying to get a satellite uplink running by the lost river so, yeah, his technobabble is possibly even appropriate, even if only accidentally.
kwtMay 11th, 2011 at 6:26 pm [Reply]
MW: Why do I get the feeling that Dr. Drew and Liza are indeed going to do more than talk, and that he’s about to discover that she’s not just a disinterested nurse that wants to control his every move, but an evil man-eating succubus that is about to feast on his immortal soul? Dr. Drew, if you see an demonic altars in her apartment or any ceremonial-looking knives, you’d better run like hell and forget the amicable break-up.
zerowolfMay 11th, 2011 at 6:28 pm [Reply]
Crankshaft: There is a fine line between “cougar” and child molester and Rose just pole vaulted over it.
queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii CommandoMay 11th, 2011 at 6:42 pm [Reply]
@Katy (#167): I remembered. Even served as a teachable moment.
*gigglez*
VioletMay 11th, 2011 at 6:45 pm [Reply]
I think it is decidedly a mercy that between the demographic that has never been informed that such a thing as a pet rock ever existed and that which reads Ziggy there is very little overlap. We need to keep our leaders of tomorrow at least marginally sane.
KarmynMay 11th, 2011 at 6:46 pm [Reply]
I never thought I would say this, but I kind of miss TJ in Luann. As in the strip, not the actual person.
That’s just gross.
May 11th, 2011 at 7:06 pm [Reply]
@Here Come ole Flattop (#169): Not to mention her intent to put it to immediate charitable use. Batiuk’s the one who should be flattered at her generosity.
pugfugglyMay 11th, 2011 at 7:08 pm [Reply]
@UnclGhost (#170):
Now THAT would be a real twist in a Dan Brown novel…
…but really, I’m missing something in the connection there…?
wossnameMay 11th, 2011 at 7:12 pm [Reply]
@Katy (#167): Everybody remembers! Because it was funny and unexpected and great snark.
HibbletonMay 11th, 2011 at 7:24 pm [Reply]
A3G: You have to hand it the artist of this strip. He knows his symbolism. In panel one, Margo’s erect finger symbolically interdicts Lu Ann’s presumption of Margo’s relationship with Trey.
In panel two, the erect candle, as Margo explains that Trey is barely friend-with-benefits worthy, graphically illustrates what Lu Ann is thinking as it dawns on her that Trey has a needle dick.
May 11th, 2011 at 7:44 pm [Reply]
@Bill Thompson (#120):
Lisa didn’t play the harpsichord, did she? Or any musical instruments? She just whine and harped about her life, as I remember. And smirked, lots of smirking. Sort of in competition with Sally Forth.
I so liked FW when they were in high school….
Artist formerly known as BenMay 11th, 2011 at 7:52 pm [Reply]
MW: Liza has herself all Wonderbra-ed out, hoping to sex Drew into staying with her. Realistically getting Drew Corey to think with the little head should be about as challenging as making the sun rise in the East, but I have a sinking feeling that he’ll escape with virtue intact.
S-M: Peter Parker is becoming all too self-aware. He’s close to admitting that his only hope for saving MJ is for the the vampires to keep yapping at each other, preferably until an hour past sunrise.
A3G: “But that sex tape you forwarded to me! You and Trey were made for each other!”
Phantom: With Chatu safely locked away, a new enemy rises to menace Bangalla: the African Three Stooges.
DT: Yup, Gravel Gertie still looks coked to the gills. But I’m having my doubts about the Romero/Hot Rize dealership running out of the Flaky Biscuit Co. If the last panel is any indication, your next line could be cut with common road dust.
SSmith: Relax, you two. None of those kids are making it ten minutes past the town line.
SFx: Okay, that kid’s louche expression is a little too close to “Like what you see, honey?” for my taste.
FW: “This German fellow named Uwe Boll says it’s his key to paying zero taxes this year.”
FC: PJ is alarmingly good at holding the cone aloft while he walks alongside Dolly. In fact he’s plainly the buffest member of the Keane household. If Bil wants to know which of his kids was actually sired by the tennis pro…
GT: Hey lady, if it’s runs you want, try the cafeteria chili. Thankyouverymuch, I’ll be here all week.
queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii CommandoMay 11th, 2011 at 7:53 pm [Reply]
@ElkMeadow (#181): I’m not sure how reliable my memory is on this, but I want to say that she played the coronet/trumpet in marching band?
Fashion PoliceMay 11th, 2011 at 7:54 pm [Reply]
We have been away. However, duty compels us to at least acknowledge the travails of Miss Magee and Mrs. Powers. When first we saw them in matching ruffly pink we thought it odd they would be wearing the same nightgown. It further occurred to us that one couldn’t get Miss Magee in ruffly pink for money. Beyond that, there is nothing we could possibly add to Mr. Fruhlinger’s brilliant summation a couple of yesterthreads ago. For once, we are grateful that the head-and-shoulders shot is all Mr. Bolle will allow us to see.
Joe BlevinsMay 11th, 2011 at 7:55 pm [Reply]
A Pet Rock joke in 2011? Ziggy says: Why not?
ElkMeadowMay 11th, 2011 at 7:56 pm [Reply]
@Effluvius Erratus (#143): #
Effluvius Erratus
May 11th, 2011 at 3:20 pm [Reply]
@research papers (#143): Is it just me, or are the nascent AIs getting more and more polite these days?
I’m guessing there was spam at #143, and Effluvius Erratus was #144.
ElkMeadowMay 11th, 2011 at 8:00 pm [Reply]
Remember Rex Morgan putting the lottery ticket in the safe, sometime last month for us, a few hours ago for him? My newspaper, The Bend Bulletin, has a front page article about safes. I kinda doubt that Rex’s is a TXTL-60×6 safe “that can withstand an hourlong attack with manual and power tools, blowtorches and eight ounces of nitroglycerin.” I rather suspect Riley found Rex’s birthday and will have dialed that little box in the corner open before the cleaning lady makes it to the next room.
Artist formerly known as BenMay 11th, 2011 at 8:00 pm [Reply]
@Bill Thompson (#129): It’s possible that young Hacker Potter here is bluffing his kidnappers, and that ehe writer threw in an intentionally nonsensical technobabble term. Possible. Whether you want to give the writer that much credit is another question.
Bill ThompsonMay 11th, 2011 at 8:11 pm [Reply]
@Artist formerly known as Ben (#188): Good point. Either way, the next time I comment on a technical point I’ll factcheck it first, rather than rely on my memory.
Jamus The BartenderMay 11th, 2011 at 8:43 pm [Reply]
JP: Don’t Angel and Sam appear a little…I dunno…nonchalant for just finding out that there’s a jumper on the roof? What, are you guys waiting for the piano player to finish “Stardust”? Dessert not here yet?
Pseudo3DMay 11th, 2011 at 9:05 pm [Reply]
MW: Well, at least Liza didn’t answer the door in a dominatrix outfit, or Drew would’ve been in real trouble.
trey le parcMay 11th, 2011 at 9:06 pm [Reply]
S-M: How interesting that the least interesting person in this strip is the title character. Maybe a better title for the strip would be “The Incidental Spider Man” or “The Occasional Spider Man”.
H&L: Oh, if only a sunbeam would fall upon young Trixie, preferably a large kitchen appliance.
MW: Liza is wearing a Lakers jersey. Watch it, Drew, or you’ll get an elbow to the chest if you “go hard to the hole”, so to speak.
Jamus The BartenderMay 11th, 2011 at 9:13 pm [Reply]
@Pseudo3D (#191): Drew IS in real trouble. Trouble which begins with T , which is also in the word “stalker” which Liza is. Go back to Vietnam, Drew. While you still have a chance!!
commodorejohnMay 11th, 2011 at 9:24 pm [Reply]
@trey le parc (#192): I vote COTW for your Spider-Man comment!
toyodaMay 11th, 2011 at 9:26 pm [Reply]
@yellojkt (#3): Voice of experience speaking…? :-)
toyodaMay 11th, 2011 at 9:33 pm [Reply]
Not w/o the reqauiste number of “Hail, Marys”. :-)
UnclGhostMay 11th, 2011 at 9:35 pm [Reply]
@pugfuggly (#178): It’s a reference to the Preacher comic series. Jesus’ descendant is fond of saying “Humperdido! Humperdoo!” and that’s all I could think of when I saw “Dido!” Kind of a stretch, I know.
queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii CommandoMay 11th, 2011 at 9:46 pm [Reply]
@Pseudo3D (#191): outfit from S-M, head from MW.
bats :[, perhaps? ;-)
Ukulele IkeMay 11th, 2011 at 9:58 pm [Reply]
JP: Hey, fellow Mudges….the jumper is not on THEIR roof. She’s down on Broadway somewhere around 42nd Street, theater district. Angel and Sam are up at Columbus Circle, at 59th. They’d have to run pretty fast to catch her.
– Uke, NYC resident.
Pseudo3DMay 11th, 2011 at 10:09 pm [Reply]
@queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#198): Good idea. A skin recolor would be in order, but scaling might be difficult.
Jamus The BartenderMay 11th, 2011 at 10:38 pm [Reply]
@Ukulele Ike (#199): Okay, but…..still, pretty blase about the whole thing.
TheDivaMay 11th, 2011 at 10:58 pm [Reply]
@Pseudo3D (#191): I don’t think I want to see the Santa Royale take on a dominatrix outfit. I suspect it would look something like Martine’s “Jazzercise bride of darkness” outfit, only dowdier and in that nauseating shade of purple all theoretically attractive Mary Worth females feel compelled to wear.
….Come to think of it, are we sure Liza’s not wearing her dominatrix outfit already?
Rocky StoneaxeMay 11th, 2011 at 11:00 pm [Reply]
@Batman Beatles (#82):
MW – Forget the boiled rabbit, Drew will find himself hobbled with a sledge hammer.
“God I love you.” *WHAM!*
The previous link stopped working, so try this one on for size:
https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEig1rpKwoVzuAoER6XSLu3rMD7Zo0rH28vKzylaUpiODiGqQrqXsJDDd51uKMBmcqf91l2v6QlClUfgFTqNI6YSNtAzKoOPuq8wklviwKTmYLAUe4z7HSDW1d6sxh5ayIaVyrll8iTmBL5m/s320/Holy+plagiarism+Batman!.jpg
OregonianMay 11th, 2011 at 11:11 pm [Reply]
I was in a library in Florida today and I saw someone dressed up in an alligator costume holding a sign that said “READ” and my first thought was “I wonder if there’s some buck-naked guy inside there.” So, apropos of that, did anyone ever figure out why Gunther had to take off his undies to become Billy the Bookworm?
AnonymousMay 11th, 2011 at 11:34 pm [Reply]
It has been suggested in some oral traditions Cain killed Abel, not because God found his sacrifice more pleasing, but simply because God looked first upon Abel’s sacrifice.
With that, Cain committed the first murder.
We find these similar themes replete within today’s HI AND LOIS! Is it too much to hope for the same grisly conclusion? Please?
May 11th, 2011 at 11:36 pm [Reply]
@Anansi (#54): Which one is Zuko and which one is Aang? Actually, it doesn’t matter which one is the Avatar…we’re screwed either way.
FW: ….They’re on to us.
Zits: Foxtrot did it first. I can’t complain too much, though, since this strip is reminiscent of the olden days of Zits.
I can’t even write down the little symbols without getting the third degree.
May 11th, 2011 at 11:48 pm [Reply]
@Oregonian (#204):
Gunther had wet his pants. By walking past lawn sprinklers that unexpectedly turned on. Why he changed just inside the library, and why he could not change his clothes in the men’s room, is All Evan’s Idea of a Joke, so that Luann would see him naked.
ElkMeadowMay 11th, 2011 at 11:50 pm [Reply]
@Ukulele Ike (#199):
Wasn’t Columbus Circle a location in the movie, “Enchanted”?
Rocky StoneaxeMay 12th, 2011 at 12:00 am [Reply]
@Oregonian (#204):
The person in the alligator costume was Les Moore’s wife Lisa, who faked her own death and moved to Florida to become a successful novelist*:
http://www.openbooktoronto.com/sites/default/files/obt/files/images/alligator-moore.jpg
*Les is too dumb to make the connection between “his” Lisa and this Lisa!
KarMannMay 12th, 2011 at 12:10 am [Reply]
It’s just occurred to me: How could I have been reading Baby Blues this week without thinking “drill, baby, drill!”?
ElkMeadowMay 12th, 2011 at 12:19 am [Reply]
And tomorrow’s comics are up. Thread jump dead ahead.
“Security guard” has been in the building, but no sign of the police. Man, that Riley is one fast mover. He must have a combo of an oscillation overthruster and a flux capacitor, to get through solid matter and change time. The police are dealing with real crimes, not possible ones.
AnansiMay 12th, 2011 at 12:20 am [Reply]
@Austria (#206)
Which one is Zuko and which one is Aang?
I don’t care as long as Helga is NEITHER Mai or Katara!!!!!!
Bill ThompsonMay 12th, 2011 at 12:22 am [Reply]
S-M: And in the end, J. Jonah Jameson will blow his stack because Peter Parker took no pictures of the vampire.
FW: Oh, crap, just FedEx him an Oscar so we can get past this already. Because I don’t want to see a story where Les is the target of lust by some easily-aroused Hollywood type while Summer turns down a studio internship so she can stay close to Daddy Dorkest.
MT: Or not. Meanwhile, how far has Trail wandered from his last camp? Will he find Myson Mike there as the Kleancut Kids Gang prepares to steal the Magic Pack of Tricks? Will Andy play fetch with the Jackelrodball?
ElkMeadowMay 12th, 2011 at 12:23 am [Reply]
And in Liza’s apartment, the banana peel has hit the fan.
Maggie the CatMay 12th, 2011 at 12:42 am [Reply]
WTF is up with Liza having framed portraits of herself on her end table? Who does that? Now, framed photos of Drew showering, getting his mail, carrying in groceries, making his rounds at work, as well of every photo she could scrounge up using Google images and entering “Dr Drew Corey+Vietnam+LUVR+seems gay but isn’t” in the search box…. those those are the sort of photos I expected to see throughout her living space.
Maggie the CatMay 12th, 2011 at 12:48 am [Reply]
Sheesh… there goes Mark again, shouting at the nothingness in the forest and stating the obvious.
“John. John Fucking Thrasher!!! Can you hear me?!?! You could be in that underbrush over there!!! Or maybe you’re miles from here! Either way, I’m right!!
HammerOfTheCarpMay 12th, 2011 at 1:04 am [Reply]
Spiderman – Zow, that crafty strategist Spiderman outdoes himself again, masterfully manuevering Martine and Morbius into squabling like grandparents over a grocery bil. BTW Where in tarnation do Martine and Morbius buy their clothes??I’m pretty sure Sears discontinued it’s Undead line some years ago.
LisaMay 12th, 2011 at 1:16 am [Reply]
Lucy Liu, what are you doing in my Judge Parker comic?
HammerOfTheCarpMay 12th, 2011 at 1:18 am [Reply]
“BTW Where in tarnation do Martine and Morbius buy their clothes?”
Oh whoops never mind: http://www.kmart.com/shc/s/dap_10151_10104_DAP_Jaclyn+Smith+Brands?storeId=10151&vName=Jaclyn+Smith+Brands&catalogInd=DAP&catalogId=10104&i_cntr=1305177423907
CanuckDownSouthMay 12th, 2011 at 1:43 am [Reply]
Oh, fer … could *somebody* get Brooke a picture dictionary turned to “prostration”?
(Has he *no* knowledge of the family of gestures from the court bow to yoga postures?)
KarMannMay 12th, 2011 at 1:58 am [Reply]
5/12 NAoQV: Can someone tell me who in particular that is in the second panel audition? The others were easy enough, but I don’t know that one.
KarMannMay 12th, 2011 at 2:03 am [Reply]
@CanuckDownSouth (#220): People who bite off more vocabulary than they can chew are prone to that kind of mistake.
KarMannMay 12th, 2011 at 2:41 am [Reply]
5/12:
DT: Well, been nice knowing you, Earl!
P.S. to Giella: That’s how you do ominous facial shadowing!
H&L: So, the Tea Party is like the Dark Side. Color me surprised.
S4th: Yep, that’s our Ted!
This GuyMay 12th, 2011 at 2:50 am [Reply]
Edge City: Okay, seriously. I know that the Jewish people have a long tradition of self-deprecating humor and that a great deal of said humor plays off the long-standing stereotypes, but SHIT. This is the only newspaper comic (I think) about a Jewish family, and they’re all goddamned caricatures. They’re all whiney, neurotic, self-absorbed, and routinely paralyzed by indecision. Oh, and they’re all drawn with enormous noses. That last, though, might just be garden-variety shitty art. Still, it’s a bizarre and disconcerting display of (what I’m guessing is) self-loathing splashed across the comics page.
And now, more of The Astonishingly Self-Absorbed Adventures of Captain Underbite and Lamprey Woman. Yeah, your vacation is of paramount concern.
May 12th, 2011 at 2:52 am [Reply]
@KarMann (#221): That’s Katie Couric, unless I’m much mistaken.
LisaMay 12th, 2011 at 3:08 am [Reply]
Just between us, Seth, you should look a little less passed-out-drunk.
KarMannMay 12th, 2011 at 3:10 am [Reply]
5/12 Luann: Greg Evans just might be even more of a tease than his Luann is!
Marion DelgadoMay 12th, 2011 at 4:52 am [Reply]
A rush of the shooting script for “Lisa’s Story”
This is embargoed, so no re-posting outside the Comics Curmudgeon, okay?
“Gee, golly, gosh, gloriosky,” thought Lisa Crawford as she stepped in to her new editor’s office for the Harvard Law Review. “Here I am, the youngest editor in the history of Harvard Law – only fifteen and a half years old.” Student Council President Moore came up to her.
“Oh, Ms. Crawford, I love you madly. Will you come to bed with me?”
“Mr. Moore! I am not that kind of girl!”
“You’re right, and I respect you for it. Here, take over the student council meeting for a minute while I go get some coffee for us.”
Vice-President and former head cheerleader Mary Sue Sweetwater came onto the student council meeting room. “What are you doing in the president’s seat, Ms. Crawford?”
“Les told me to.”
“Your cooperativeness is as flawless as your figure. I admire your school spirit.”
Les Moore, Mary Sue, youngest tycoon in Boston history Funky Winkerbean and Brad Pitt rode down with Lisa to the incoming frosh bash. They were attacked by jealous sorority girls and thrown into mock prison. In a moment of weakness Lisa revealed to Funky and Brad Pitt that she hadn’t really needed her full-boat scholarship, since her own businesses had done so well. Recovering quickly, she sprung the lock with her hairpin and they all got away back to the bash.
But back at the student union, Funky, George Clooney and Lisa found out that everyone at the frosh bash was seriously stricken by the jumping cold robbies , though Lisa less so. While the other BMOCs languished at the health center, Lisa finished presiding over the student council, and ran it so well she received the Nobel Peace Prize, the Pulitzer Prize and an appointment as the youngest judge in US history.
But with her intuition, Lisa realized from Les’s face that he had bad news. “With my medical training, I can tell you were MORE affected by the Legionnaire Virus at the Frosh Bash, Lisa, not less,” he said. “If you didn’t have the constitution of a horse, you wouldn’t still be on your feet, helping others. The good news is I whipped up a cure at the chem lab,” Les added modestly.
Lisa couldn’t believe it. “Not less, Les?”
“No, more, Lisa.”
NEXT: 2 weddings and a funeral.
Marion DelgadoMay 12th, 2011 at 4:59 am [Reply]
However the disease finally got to her and she fell fatally ill. In the special hospice for overachievers as she breathed her last, she was surrounded by the president of the United States, the UN Secretary-General, all her friends from high school and college, and Les, who had married her under his authority as student council president before she had had to take to her bed, all weeping unashamedly at the loss of her beautiful youth and youthful beauty, intelligence, capability and all around niceness. Even to this day her birthday is a national holiday at Westview and Harvard.
KarMannMay 12th, 2011 at 5:36 am [Reply]
@Marion Delgado (#229): Wasn’t the Pope there, too? I would swear I remember seeing him there.
Ned RyersonMay 12th, 2011 at 5:40 am [Reply]
Phantom: Oh no, not a sandwich!
EarthgirlMay 12th, 2011 at 6:16 am [Reply]
@Bill Thompson (#129):
Phantom: I’m hoping that The Kid knows his technobabble is bull, and is just playing the criminals. That “gain-to-noise temperature ratio” graph he showed them in yesterday’s comic was probably just a stock picture of a sine wave he found on Google Images.
Mordock999May 12th, 2011 at 6:21 am [Reply]
Today’s Luann 05/12/11
Don’t LAUGH Luann.
Quill wasn’t Kiddin’……,
_____________
DEATH to TJ!!!
May 12th, 2011 at 6:30 am [Reply]
@KarMann (#222): Brooky might occasionally bite off more than he can chew — but never more than he can spew.
John C FremontMay 12th, 2011 at 6:32 am [Reply]
MW – So is Liza going for Home Alone, or is she reaching back to Belushi’s original in Neighbors?
gleebMay 12th, 2011 at 6:39 am [Reply]
Gil: It’ll escalate, though, until they need to see Al-Jo’s blood every time the team’s down.
Rocky StoneaxeMay 12th, 2011 at 6:55 am [Reply]
@This Guy (#224):
Compare the Jewish couple in Edge City with the Jewish couple in this strip:
http://www.jsonline.com/comics/32402404.html?feature_id=Pajama
CommonMay 12th, 2011 at 7:09 am [Reply]
If only Spiderman would move his damn arm we might could catch a glimpse of that female vampires camel toe!
EllieMay 12th, 2011 at 7:56 am [Reply]
MT-When Mark says “WE are your friends” does he mean he and Andy???
MW- this is Drew’s version of letting Liza down easy, wow! “Hi, you look very nice tonight, I brought you some flowers….oh, and I never want to see you again.”
May 12th, 2011 at 8:05 am [Reply]
Crank – No, Jeff. A cougar is a 50-year-old woman who goes after 25-year-old guys. An 85-year-old woman who goes after 14-year-old boys is called a pedophile.
DT – Yay! Gertie still has a kilo of coke!
A3G – Don’t look now, girls, but I fear you’ve been transported to Charterstone. What else could make all the objects in the background totally transform themselves between sentences? Meanwhile, in the actual MW, the vase of flowers unexpectedly stays in the right place when we change point of view. Are those wacky cartoonists switching strips again?
Popeye – this is actually rather heartbreaking.
@Maggie the Cat (#215): Good question re the photo on Liza’s end table. Maybe it’s actually a photo of her evil twin, whom I expect we are about to meet.
TheMagicMelMay 12th, 2011 at 8:19 am [Reply]
My loathing of FW is starting to approach Foob levels. Wasn’t a POS book made into a movie in that strip, too? Will there be a solid hour of our erstwhile hero stuck up a rope in gym class? Why I have continued to read baffles me…
KarMannMay 12th, 2011 at 8:20 am [Reply]
@wossname (#240): Photo of her good twin, maybe.
wossnameMay 12th, 2011 at 8:27 am [Reply]
@KarMann (#242): Oh, I think we’ve been seeing the good twin (at least by Liza’s definition). The evil twin will emerge when Liza doesn’t get her way – because as she pointed out, “It’s my way or the highway.” (Which, as several mudges pointed out at the time, makes no sense whatsoever.)
Mark BMay 12th, 2011 at 8:45 am [Reply]
@John C Fremont (#235): I think she’s going for Edvard Munch’s ‘The Scream’.
Mark BMay 12th, 2011 at 8:47 am [Reply]
Drew’s next line: ‘Any chance of breakup sex?’
queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii CommandoMay 12th, 2011 at 9:04 am [Reply]
Frazz: heh. Nice set-up.
A&J: I remember that headline.
CdS: soccer hooliganism, starting younger and younger.
Lio: WIN!
NAoQV: heeee!
rMC: Bridget is adorable.
PMP: *chuckle*
Zits: obligatory “Physics does not work that way!”
TheDivaMay 12th, 2011 at 9:08 am [Reply]
9CL: “Prostrate” normally means to kneel or lie face down on the ground, which would be a typical (if somewhat melodramatic) pose for humility and supplication. You look like you’re inviting her for a second spin on Lil’ Seth. (Then again, I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that the characters in this strip don’t know what humility looks like.)
C’shaft: Cougar’s not the term you’re looking for, Jeff. Try “sex criminal.” (On the plus side, I look forward to the torment and humiliation the family will receive when Rose’s antics puts them on Megan’s List.)
FW: Good idea, Summer. Let your dad take the first offer that comes along to him without even hearing what it is first. Negotiation is for non-Specialest Snowflakes, after all.
JP: They’re taking a cab instead of the limo? This is serious!
Luann: “I said ’sheila’ because I’m Australian, you know.”
MW: Not even Liza’s Maccauley Culkin impersonation can convince Drew to give her a second chance.
Pluggers are so out of shape that even the things that are supposed to make getting around easier for them make getting around difficult.
SM: *squints at the shadow* Bigfoot?
Maggie the CatMay 12th, 2011 at 9:12 am [Reply]
@Mark B (#245):
And of course she’ll give him a piece, hoping he’ll change his mind with her awesome sex skills.
JenMay 12th, 2011 at 7:34 pm [Reply]
Oh man, not a mention of the Crankshaft grandma’s sudden conversion to pedophilia?
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MyUsernamesMudMay 13th, 2011 at 3:45 am [Reply]
Wow who would have thought that just a few years later another sex-crazed Charlie would be making headlines. If Mary Worth has predictive merit I hate to think what that means for poor Aldo Nova
Eric JMay 13th, 2011 at 5:37 am [Reply]
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AnonymousMay 15th, 2011 at 8:25 am [Reply]
In the second panel w/ Martine and Morbious(sp?) are you sure that isn’t Michael Jackson risen from the grave?
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Randomly Selected Post O’ Mystery Romancing the Margo, romancing the tree Posting and discussion policies Privacy policy Email Josh Mobile / Lo-Fi Version All post content © 2004–2011 Joshua Fruhlinger. Comics reproduced here for purposes of review only, and all rights remain with their creators; please don't sue me. All comments remain the property and responsibility of those who posted them. Blog powered by WordPress, which is way cool. Hosting provided by ServInt Internet Services, who are lovely people. Site designed by the charming and talented Adam Norwood; logo designed by the talented and charming Francesco Marciuliano. This blog was once known as I Read The Comics So You Don't Have To. It is in no way affiliated with Funny Paper, which used to read the comics so you don't have to, and may do so again. Are you still reading this? Why are you still reading this? A.L.
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